Heavenly Neverland

The tradition/rules that christians follow and use to escape our lives is a Heavenly Neverland we need to grow out of. This is about how I felt trying to seperate God from dependant religion.

Light of a star already dead

A death I brought to hope and life

With a wish for nothing

 

Nothing, nothing

Empty peace

Excuses... Excuses for nothing

 

Come closer, closer. Closer!

STOP. Back away

Come here and be gone

Be gone from my hand

Be gone, be gone....

 

Be gone, my very hand

My tool, my flesh

Take yourself from me

For you I have no use

 

Of which I loved

I treasured

I cared

I turn

I stab

I betray

 

I flail and scramble against you

For you I can bear no more

So split hair from hair

Dust from dirt

Heart from body

 

Throw half into the storm

One to the river

Smoothed like stone

Yet half, half

Still half

Alone

 

I cling

I clutch

I claw

For half I cannot lose

Yet from I must flee

My wall on which I lean

On where I rest my guilt

Fall

Smash

Tear the veil

For you I stand upon no more

 

So separate grass from green

Letter from word

Arm from hand

Girl from God

Author's Note

Poetry is new to me... So anything you think would be awesome to know. Good things, Bad things, flow problems anything really. Thanks so much!
(P.S I'm only like 16 so i know i have a somewhat inexperenced veiw of the world... Sorry :P)

Reviews

[Bear]

Interesting soliloquy, I am not sure I understand the premise of you work but from your note you say you are young. I can understand ranting against the traditional way of thinking and doing because I was young once and felt the need to be heard, so keep speaking out till your heard. I look forward to reading your future work and see where your words can take you, good luck my poetry friend

[Bianca]

I found it hard to convey within the word limit. I guess i meant that a lot of Christians use the traditions and rules of the bible to excuse their actions. They are allowed to be mean to other if they are gay or divorced or a murderer. And they are 'allowed' to do horrid stuff and get away with it because they are forgiven... And they rely so heavily on such things.
And its so easy to put all your faith into religion and make it come alive, make it true. But the truth of Christianity does not lie within the rules it lies withing God... Or so we are told.
I don't know if that makes sense :
Thank you so much for your feedback though!!!

[Bear]

OK I see where you are going now and you are right it is not always easy to transform an idea or feeling into words. The only advise I could offer would be to tell you to try being more direct with your poem. Encrypting your message into the format of your storyline can muddy your real meaning, I myself have had to rewrite an article many times to get a point across in a way that it fit the rest of the story. I will cross my fingers for you but you seem like an intelligent person so I am confident you will not only solve the puzzle but master it :~)

[Bianca]

Cheers!!!!

[Kelsey Schadt]

I flail and scramble against you
For you I can bear no more
So split hair from hair
Dust from dirt
Heart from body

I really enjoyed the intensity of this stanza. The imagery is so shattering. I think the beginning of your poem is weak compared to your strong second half. This could be because of the repeating going on in the beginning. Perhaps strengthen the word choice, rather that use repetition. For instance,
instead of saying,
"Be gone from my hand
Be gone, be gone...."
maybe something like

"Be gone from hand,
fade, vanish,"
could be more engaging

[labellevoyageuse]

I really like the premise of this poem, being a fellow Christian who understands the struggle with trying to separate what being a Christian in today's society means with what being a Christian in relation to God means. I agree with your statement that the truth of Christianity lies within God himself. I do agree with Bear though that those ideas don't translate as clearly as I think you had hoped. However, I love that you used punctuation and capital letters versus lowercase letters for emphasis. I think it really helps the voice of the poem. Also, I'm new to writing as well, so if you ever need a review or if you ever feel like reviewing something, I'm totally up for it!

[S.R.M.]

I really enjoy your viewpoint in this piece. I think your age and how rash and angry you are at these hypocritical christian values adds to the poem's power. You convey your feelings very well, and they probably resonate with many, including myself, who feel anger toward a childhood religion they no longer feel any attachment to. Well done!

[nicole_smith]

Hey there I am looking for someone to review my work..would u be willing??

[Bianca]

Ummm aha i would. But I would have no idea how and also... Your content is rated over 18 which i am not?

[nicole_smith]

Heya, no i just ticked 18+ but there is no 'adult' content in my work, but if u maybe feel u wouldnt be able to critique it do u know who would?