My October....

Pages from my diary :)

 

 

..

 

 

My October…

 

 

7^th October, 2006

 

I opened my eyes with the smell of fresh ammonia in the waiting lounge of ICU ward of the Apollo hospital. It was around 1’o clock in the afternoon and I already lost all of my senses at that point of time. I was totally unaware about the time when I last slept or the last time when I went to my home. Since, my entire mind was concentrating on one person who was fighting with death in that ICU ward. My heart was constantly praying for her and my eyes were continuously staring at her beautiful face across the glass wall of the ward.

 

I never actually thought of loving someone like this. But I changed all of my plans with my life after I met her. When her eyes met mine, I realized that I was inevitably in love with her. But now, my love was lying down in front of my eyes, fighting with the immortal bereavement.

 

The worst thing in this world is not at all when the person whom you love doesn’t love you back. But, it’s to see the love of your existence dying in front of your eyes and that too so helplessly…

 

I went back to my home after sometime and then decided to have a shower. As I was standing barely unprotected under the shower, I could feel the intensity of every drop hitting my bruised and wounded soul. I looked at the mirror and I was unable to recognize my own reflection. My smile was totally vanished and my eyes were bursting red saturated by tears.

 

I was lost…lost without my love…my existence...

 

 __________________________________________

 

 

7^th October, 2009

 

Three years before this day, I realized that “the love of my existence” won’t be able to live anymore with me on this mortal world.

I was right…

On 24^th December, 2006- she breathed her last breath.

 

It has been entirely three years now and life really changed me a lot. It taught me that, it doesn’t matter that with how much passion you love someone but at one day…they can leave out of your life forever. This life also taught me that sometimes our love can meet the finality of death and into a new beginning of life.

 

Today, I was standing at a different city, with totally different people surrounding me from everywhere. It was the inauguration of a new sport complex of my institution and obviously I was the one who was least interested in attending that ceremony. The reason is not that I don’t like places or any celebrations like that. But I genuinely do not like myself being surrounded by people from everywhere or … maybe; I’m still not able to stand on my own in a crowd. Because, this somehow reminds me of her…I imagine her running towards me crossing everyone from the crowd. But, as soon as I realize the reality…I was not able to stand on my own legs.

 

So, I informed a very supportive senior that I would be leaving that place. He didn’t ask me any reason and that was really very kind of him. I left that place immediately and came back to the college and started talking with some friends (obviously, to distract my mind). The day passed by somehow and I thanked god to prevent the out-bursting of my emotions.

 

When I came back to my home, I went to have a shower. Each and every drop was hitting me with a greater intensity than the previous one. I sat down and folded my hands through my body, trying to hold on each and every piece of mine to not to shatter again. But then, I looked back again at the mirror. It’s been completely three years now…and I was still not able to recognize myself. I tried to hold on my pieces but that became impossible for me.

 

Thus…today, I did something which I didn’t do in this past entire year.

 

With my red and conflicted eyes buried with sadness, I cried…

 

I cried my eyes out for you…The love of my existence, my immortal…. …

 

Author's Note

This is a part of my diary from both days...
And I do not know why have I written this or why have I posted it here...
It doesn't make any sense I guess...or does it??
I don't know anything right now...because I'm not even making any sense of myself...

Reviews

[TamiViolet]

The cleansing took place in both instances.....quite symbolic. Oh, yes, it does make perfect sense. You held back the tears for as long as you could.... But tears as powerful as yours eventually manifest themselves.
Similarly, not recognizing your own reflection makes sense. After trauma, we change.....

My dear friend, you write of this beautiful girl that has touched your world as no one else. Although it didn't last, consider yourself lucky to have experienced that deep, deep love. And she loved you back. She always be a part of you as I'm sure you already know.

Thank you for sharing this very intimate part of your life. You're truly a special young man, and I am honored to know you, Bhavya...

[Vandana Chaudhury]

Hi...it makes perfect sense to ppl who are torn apart at the juncture between the real world and the perceived world.

We see mirages amongst real images. We try to link them with reality. Result- u are called a philosopher, a loon, a thinker and when u retrospect on the lines of the world - nothing makes sense to you anymore.

i am not sure i am making any sense myself. Just that i like your writings coz u write it as it is shaped ...in your mind..:-)

[Bhavya Kaushik]

Thank you :)

[Ryan Dulac]

It makes a lot of sense actually. I enjoyed it, but I found the font difficult to read.

[Shelina Shariff-Zia]

I love this, it's so moving. My mother died a year ago and today is her birthday so maybe I was also in the mood to read this but I was just blown away. I would have liked more details though like what she died of and who she was to you. Wife, girlfriend, lover? It reminded me a little of a Bollywood movie but I love Bollywood...just that it was so emotional. Great work.

[Goku Rd]

Really beautiful..........I cannot truly fathom your pain, but I cried while reading this.....

[priyanka pant]

a heart touching tale....is it a true story?....

[shweta]

strangely enough, the pain in your heart and your attempts to keep it under wraps make this writing beautiful..

[Sahar moonlight]

This is so emotional, and being a real story it hits deep in the heart.
Its really so hard when the heart is sick and in pain.
Thanks for sharing such experience.

Best wishes,
Natty

[katyj]

WOW, so very awesome! you are so poetic. I enjoyed this write so much. It's powerful.

So sad but beautiful. The tragedy unfolds and you take us there with you to the icu and tell us the sad story. beautifully written

[JennyNicole]

I can feel the pain in your words. Its written beautifully, but what a terribly sad story. I know that so many of us can relate to loosing our loved ones to illness and death and how paralyzing that feeling can be. You capture it so well. My deepest sympathies to you.