I think I made you all up in my mind

Did you ever have a dream  where everything was perfect and you felt complete, full of happiness with not a hint of sorrow or grief ? (Okay who am I kidding, it's not completely  filled  with unicorns and rainbows, there may or may not be some bumps varying from you to me, but  hey  then again how would you be able to differentiate  happiness if not for sorrow.) Did you ever feel like crap for not remembering  it  after waking up? Well I had one too and I've never been the same since then. It is not that I don’t remember the dream , but I can't  recollect  any of the pivotal details no matter how hard I try . It's more like someone up there decided to censor  the sense out of it. And god is it frustrating , especially  when a goal or a more romantic term for it , "a dream"  is all I want right now to move forward in life.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………                                           Coming to me, I was an orphan , adopted by a single mother of another child. By the way kids , did I tell you the story of how I met my mother? Sorry , couldn't resist that word-play. Don't worry it won't last 9 seasons though , a few sentences at the most. Once upon a time there lived a kid ,who was prophesized to be the successor of the dark lord, in an orphanage. The wardens hated him for that and the other kids feared  him. After learning  the reason for all the hatred coming towards him , the kid decided to set out on a journey to overwrite his destiny  and in order to do that he ran away from the orphanage. But being the boy that he was , he packed  nothing but some change of clothes and some toiletries. He was cold ,hungry and had nowhere to sleep for the night. He prayed to the one who had forsaken him in the hopes that he would listen this time at least . And Voila! there she was his own personal fairy godmother. She took him in for the night which he successfully managed to extend into a week-long stay. And then was later dropped in the orphanage once again. He agreed to enter the orphanage only if she'd come get him out of there later.( Hey  you there! I can see the judgmental look in your eyes." How could he extort himself into someone else's family!" Is that what you're thinking?  Well excuse me for being a kid , craving a family and the need to be pampered. Look me in the eye and tell me you did not ever want to be spoiled by someone or the other be it family , girlfriend, husband etc. ) And get him out of there she did, as promised. Why she (my mother)  would adopt another child when she was already struggling to raise one all on her own is a mystery we know not till date. But thanks to her I  had a family, a caring one unlike the orphanage where you had to fight in some way or the other  to get noticed.

 

                                   My sister took some time to warm up to me. It was only natural that she hated me initially as I was now sharing  the undivided attention from her mother (our mother) that was solely  directed towards her earlier. She was the same age as me and we went to the same school  so people noticed that I was adopted, as all of a sudden a boy with the same surname(last name) apparated/integrated into their classroom. So even 4th grade students were wily enough to deduce that and there was some teasing and bullying directed towards the both of us which I silently took in , even though I was confident that I could take all of them at once ,I didn't want to stand out and be a bad apple as I was afraid that I'd be sent to the orphanage again. I counted the number of tears my sister shed when she cried and promised myself to give it back to them ten-folds. And give it back to them, I did one way or the other without me ever being suspected. So let's keep it short and say that I liked playing the silent devil and got to play it quite often when I was a kid. In due course I made up with my sister but we still had the love-hate kind of relationship that's quite typical with sibling relationships. I still vividly remember that time when we were walking to our house and we overheard our neighbors conversation which was about how frail my mother looked because of overexerting herself for my sake and then my polite-to-a-fault mother walks up to them holding our hands and says he is as much my son as she is my daughter pointing towards my sister. You know how everyone has their own particular set of happy memories that they resort to in their darkest moments when life couldn't possibly be harsher. This one definitely belonged to my back-to-happy-go-lucky set. Yeah that's what I call it.

 

 

                                    Time passed on and we eventually grew very close to each other. My sister was now my best friend and I was the same to her (At least I hope so). But our mother was our most favorite person in the world, if such a title existed. Strictly speaking I was now living the dream life of an orphan. When happy becomes the new normal , you start searching  for something new. I was then attending college and working part-time to earn some  pocket money. I was always an avid reader of books . Now that is a line straight out of the hobbies portion of my resume. Like almost every other kid  from my generation , reading was an interest that was electrocuted (Sparked doesn't  sound that superlative!) into me by a copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone which I found in the orphanage which I still have with me . From then on I read everything I could get my hands on without differentiating whether it was good or bad. I remember wishing that I'd become a librarian one day. Every book I read seemed like a phase in my life and changed me for better or worse. I clearly remember those sleepless  nights, I used to spend reading  a book. They were always followed by another series of sleepless nights where I contemplated various possible , plausible ,impossible and implausible scenarios. I think fan fiction is a genre dedicated to people who go through this. So yeah , writing was the only career option I had in mind. I somehow managed to secure the opportunity to intern in a reputed magazine through the good graces of my part-time job's employer. I loved to write and write was exactly what I did over there apart from reading, reviewing , editing, bringing coffee and running errands .We all know the life of interns is intense, let's spare the gory details. This finally paid off when I earned my degree , the very next day I became a salary-man.

 

                              Somewhere amidst all of this I fell in love with a woman who was exactly like my mother(personality-wise not appearance wise).This was something I realized after I fell  for her but unlike some who try to either ignore or deny it , I accepted it with a feeling of pride and security knowing  that our child if we have one somewhere in the near future, will be taken care of even in my absence. ( A man's first love is always his mother. This is a line I read / heard somewhere .I couldn't possibly agree with it more.) This only made me love her more. After some wooing we eventually started dating , got familiar with each other's families , one fine day I got on my knees , she managed to utter a yes before bursting out in tears and then I joined her too. We tied the knot on the next rainy day since the fine-proposal day which came two months later.(It was just a coincidence.) We eventually did have the baby. She was a girl and the apple of my eyes. My sister married her childhood sweetheart who was also a friend of mine. I was now living the dream of every middle-class man.

 

                              My mother retired early and was now living with us. All the extra time at work she put in for our sakes was now taking a toll on her body. She was constantly sick and after numerous tests , it turned out to be stage-IV cancer which translates to the cancer spreading from the organ it originated  to different other organs of the body. Doctors suggested us different  drug research trials but the chances were very low and the side effects were too severe and mother had already given up by then. I remember how the look in my mother's eyes changed when the doctor started giving us contacts of different  drug research firms to get my mother into one of their clinical trials . I literally saw the little spark of hope dying and in the next fraction of a second she strengthened herself and embraced the fact that she was dying , all so that we wouldn't break out. But holding back tears seemed like a David versus Goliath task that day . I don’t even remember how I got home that day. All I remember was mom saying it's going to be okay and consoling us with a smile that could light up any other day, just not that day. After a few weeks she passed away with the same smile on her face. People said that at least she died a peaceful death during her funeral rites but I thought otherwise. Death is neither peaceful nor painful , it is cold , impartial and ABSOLUTE. Not being able to show weakness when all she wanted was to live some more must've been even more painful. I wished that she'd at least once ,in a moment of weakness, say "I want to live" out loud just for our sakes but that is just the selfish me speaking .That was my mother , polite to a fault and strong-willed in death. I could never really move on from her passing but yeah I was going forward in life stopping once in a while revisiting the back-to-happy-go-lucky set.(Remember?)

                                 My little girl was 3 now. She could speak "dadda" , "mumma" fluently  and could also walk with her own cute little legs. We had a marriage of an acquaintance that we couldn't miss. It was supposedly a long drive  from where we were living  so we (which includes me , my wife, my sister and brother in law) dropped our children in a close friend's house and set out for the drive as the children were not really accustomed to long journeys. The journey was an overnight one and I was really tired from all the driving. Somehow we arrived at the designated wedding  place in time but I dozed off through half of the wedding. I prepared myself  for another drive in order to reach home sweet home as soon as possible and meet my precious whom I was honestly missing already. Everyone was really tired and one by one the birds started falling in the car. The soporific succubus spread an epidemic by seducing my sister first , wife next  , stubborn-as-a-rock brother in law and finally me. Yeah you read it right I was driving and fell asleep and that is when all hell broke loose. A drunk truck driver had to choose the exact moment I fell asleep to drive in the wrong lane and collide it into my car. The moment it happened , I was sure of one thing I was going to die in a few minutes. I still ,for some unknown reason , was conscious though I could not move or feel my body. There was blood everywhere . I hoped it was just mine but I knew it wasn't. That was the moment it hit me , I killed my whole family. My little girl was going to be an orphan. If things turn out bad she'd end up in the same orphanage I was from. I could not take the mental pain anymore. I wanted it to be over. But the few minutes were taking forever to end. I prayed to him hoping that he'd listen again. All I could muster up was "Undo this!" before night fell out of nowhere and I fell asleep for real. No more sleepless nights. No more living the dreams. No more reminiscing the back-to-happy-go-lucky memories.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

"..."

"Hey kid! Wake up. Are you alright? This is too chilly a night for ya to sleep on a bench"

I open my eyes and see a women in her early  twenties calling out to me. Did she just call me a kid? I get flashes. I start panicking muttering out random words to her like "the car", "the accident". She was confused and before she could recover I freed myself from her hold and ran towards the road all while searching for my car. Which one was it again? I can't seem to remember. Who was I looking for again? I got flashes but nothing more. My vision became blurry. I could not breathe anymore. Who am I again? A pair of lights from a car flashed on me and the flashlights triggered my memory. But before I could do anything more I was involved in an accident again.

 

 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Good Morning Doctor! How is Daniel doing?"

" His vitals are stabilizing now. He'll be up and about in a week  and probably go home in two-three months. Miss Evans , I've been meaning to ask you something , is this kid an acquaintance of yours? Sorry for prying but it says that he is an orphan who ran away from  Rosemary Orphanage when he got caught up in the accident"

"Uhmm…No. Actually ,we talked for a few seconds before he decided to go crazy on me. But still I've kind of gotten used to seeing his face every week these past few years."

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

So yeah it has been 1 month since I came out of coma. I've been told that I was in the state of coma for the past 12 years. I am apparently 21 now though I feel like I am an old man already. I am writing  this down so I won't have to keep starting from the same point every time I try to recollect  what I've forgotten. I still can't remember anything real that can prove that it really happened. I can't remember their names  or their faces but the guilt is still there and well guilt is one hell of a  real emotion .Just when you think you can move on with your life , start afresh again you feel a small tinge of guilt in your gut.    I don't know for sure whether what I went through was real  or not. I remember all the vivid feelings but no concrete information whatsoever. Maybe my craving for a loving family was so overwhelming that it messed up my head. I certainly do remember thinking something like "Aah how beautiful this world is just in black and white. How much more beautiful would it be to witness it with your loved ones, each adding a color of their own to the existing spectrum." Mom, sis , wifey (Sorry I don't remember your name. I know….worst husband ever!) I think I made you all up inside my head. Actually I hope I made you all up in my mind. Sorry  my little girl , I wish I could spend some more time with you. Y'all will  forever remain in my memory and be a part of me. Oh and you too brother in law :D

                       

                             I've a lot to catch up with since the accident. Apparently there've been two more books in the Harry Potter franchise since I was asleep and I was lead to believe that Harry Potter dies in the end. Eleven's bringing me the deathly hallows tonight. In case you're wondering who Eleven is. It is short for Elisa Evans. She is like the elder sister I never had. She is an orphan too . She wants me to come live with her after I get discharged and we are best friends already. So maybe I will. I still haven't told her everything though. Time for some sleepless hospital night-outs until then.  Also in case you're wondering about how I know about How I met your mother if I was  in coma for the last decade and 2 years. Let's just say I am good at marathoning, multitasking and also it has been one month since I've been awake with nothing to do but eat reminisce Eleven write watch repeat in no particular order.But that last season though. Anyway sleep is for the weak. After sleeping for 12 years I want nothing to do with it anymore. Don't tell the nurse though.

 

So kids…See just a few sentences!  :P

Author's Note

So yeah I finished what I started 3-4 days ago.Its a bit on the longer side.So please bear with me , read it and do tell your views on it.Critical Reviews are always appreciated.

Reviews

[felioness]

You have a flair for writing! I was easily carried from start to finish. You use the word "today" too many times when describing the mother finding out she has cancer and that needs fixing. The scene in the car with birds falling and the succubus thing just seems to come out of nowhere and is Uber confusing..... Tip ... read your work out loud. Where you stumble in reading out loud will be places you need to edit. Better yet, read your story outloud to a friend. Finally, edit, edit, edit .... these boring set of drills hone a writer's skills to to a sharp and shining blade. Your write had a voice which is often missing in attempted fiction. Your character was real to me.

[Eisho Shu]

This story carries really well. A really realistic piece. This is actually not a long story. The length is actually just about perfect for anyone to enjoy.

[Krizito]

Midway through this, I totally lost track that this was a work of fiction-yeah it was that good-
I think you developed this character pretty well, conveying the emotions quite vividly with your play of words. This was pretty unique-not forgetting humorous..

[K.M]

I love this piece! It is so captivating, gorgeous, and heartbreaking. Wonderful job! -Kenzie

[TL Boehm]

My kudos and thanks to JCat for the lengthy critique, those are rare here so if you get one - hang on to it. I read this piece and the insightful review -
My add to the mix would be that I was really drawn to the quirk factor in the narrator's voice. Approaching such a hellish thing as a coma for 12 years with levity that works is brilliant and with rewrites you have a solid project here.

[Tsubaki Kuro]

pretty good. Nice work here.

[Thairis]

Your stories are amazing, keep up the good work :)

[JCat]

As always, I deeply apologise if my blunt review offends you. The greatest dishonour I could insult you with would be to lie. However, I do always try to focus on the positive as well as what needs improved. Remember, take on what's useful from my review and throw in the trash what isn't.

Detailed Read Through (If I don't have a lot of time, or the piece is longer than 1000 words, then this part can be not-so-detailed):

The opening line is good because it poses a question, but it's slightly too long. Take out "where everything was perfect and" or something like that?

"kidding, it's" should be "kidding. It's" "rainbows; there" should be "rainbows. There"

The sentence inside the brackets feels quite long. Try and cut out some of the words and descriptions.

Because of the long sentences at the start "did you ever.." feels like you haven't related back to the

start. Try "for not remembering said dream" instead of using the word "it"?

"I had a dream like that too" instead of "I had one too"

"or, a" instead of "or a". Use comma's as brackets is a really good literary technique.

"About me" instead of "Coming to me"

"with another child" instead of "of another child"

Paragraph break before "once upon a time" it's a new subject and it feels like it needs separation.

"who was prophesied..." is a bit of wild information there, perhaps it could go at the end of the sentence instead of in the middle?

Wardens implies that the orphanage was like a prison, if that's what you were going for, well done it's working.

Perhaps when he ran away you could include some hint's in the setting. What country is he in? Africa? Asia? Medieval England? Scottish Highlands? Just a few hints to setting could demonstrate that for us. "He left the mud-brick orphanage in the black of night and set foot on the dusty road that led to the city. Unfortunately for him, the city was a three day journey from the bush tribe he'd once called home." Something small like that tells us it's African bush (fun fact: that sentence was inspired by my time in Pemba, Mozambique.)

Who as the one who had forsaken him? Was it a god? Was it his mother?

The fairy god mother part I know see is meant to be a metaphor, but I almost took it literally because of the

"dark lord" bit indicating that magic/spirituality exists in this novel. It's also unclear who this woman is, and how she took him in or when she took him in. More description.

The breaking the fourth wall, talking to the reader, thing is good but try to avoid phrases like "look me in the eye" because we physically can't do that and it's confusing.

"mystery we still do not know to date" or a different phasing, current phrasing is clunky and confusing.

"sharing with her the attention of her mother, which had formerly been dedicated to her alone." instead of the previous sentence. My biggest problem with that is the word "undivided" it's unnecessary (and I went to an editing class last night which said that unnecessary use of language is a huge problem with writers.

"(last name)" is also unnecessary. Most people know what a surname is.

I'm not a fan of the "/" use, just use integrated. The other word is confusing and unnecessary.

"So" is unnecessary. wily, good word choice.

You've used "still" too much in 13 and 14th lines of the paragraph 3.

Last sentence of paragraph 3 feels unnecessary; we already know what the narrator would call it.




Overall Analysis:

You're trying to do an awful lot of things in this piece. Your sense of narration, breaking the fourth wall, is a brilliant idea. Going through the timeline is a brilliant idea. The "I think I made you up all in my head" idea of this fake family he made while in a coma, is a very very good idea.

But I don't think you've quite conveyed these ideas right. Don't be disheartened, conveying complex ideas like these are very very hard (in fact, I will be publishing a piece today in which I think is a total flop, but I just want to see what people think of the concept.)

Some things which could improve upon each idea:

Narration breaking the fourth wall: I think your informal dialogue, your "so yeah" and "like totally" ect, should be kept inside the brackets. You've done a brilliant job of using brackets to keep fourth-wall breaking sentences separated, but make sure you keep them separated. Let the rest of it read more formally.

Going through the timeline: I think you've gone through the timeline very well, focusing on all the right points, but I think you need more information early on about when and where this story is set. Having an orphanage around the same time Harry Potter came out is unusual, so try and come up for a reason as to why that would be (do a lil research if you need to).

Idea of the fake family: Most editors will ward you off ideas like this in long term novels, but for this short piece it works well and is a nice twist. However, the crash and "what really happened in real life" are confusing and I didn't really put them together naturally. Try and shorten the actual crash, and exclude the fact that when the real crash happened to the young boy, he can (sort of) remember his fake family-- because he made them up in the coma, which hasn't happened yet.

A Few other things:

Your punctuation is quite confusing. You are comma splicing a lot, start new sentences more often.

Your language is informal and confusing in lots of places, but that goes hand in hand with the punctuation. Really read through it (out loud) and think about how a reader (who's never been inside your mind) would perceive your language.

Description: A little more physical description to give us clue's on where we are set, and what time we are set in. Of the people as well; what did the mother look like? What did the wife look like? What did our character look like?

The "prophesied to succeed a dark lord" part at the beginning? Endlessly frustrating. It made me think of a primitive society, not one that had access to harry potter as a novel. And this end point is never reached, this thing is never reached. Really put a dampener on this peice for me.

---

These ideas are complex, and given editing this piece could come out very very well. I like these ideas and what you are trying to convey. Unfortunately, your use of language was very confusing and that is the biggest (and most immediate) problem. Change this and your well on your way to a very very successful, and in my mind, brilliant piece of work!

[Grayson]

Wow, I really like this. It has a lot of potential and the content is very powerful. Good job. :)

[matpat]

I like how you started the story, very compelling!