All he ever wanted was.....??! (#5)

He was a sweet child with a radiant smile that could make anyone's day. He wasn't out of the ordinary , he was just your average kid. But in their efforts to make him stand out , blinded by social conformity and the ever-famous cliché phrase in Hindi " log kya kehenge? " ( which translates to "what will people say?") , they ended up corrupting his ingenuous smile. The child grew into a teenager with a distorted personality and the worst part , he didn't even realize it. They taught him well, actually a bit too well. He was like water. He took the shape of whatever container he was poured into , but individually he stood shapeless. He had no enemies but at the same time he had no one with whom he could be unguarded either. He called almost every alleged friend of his as his "best friend" and confided in them silly secrets just to make them believe that they could trust him and to make sure that he would never be on the receiving end of their childish endeavors. He could never really form a solid opinion and stand his ground for it. He wavered every time a slight breeze went by. How could you expect water to not waver ! It was only natural that he did. He always stayed away from making choices because whenever he had to , he'd start hearing different voices voicing different opinions and supporting or opposing different choices. But he could never really single-out his voice from the plethora of voices. Eventually he did realize that he was different , but he chose to ignore it anyhow.They never knew about him or his internal struggles and assumed his facetious attitude to be nothing but the rebellious years of a teenager.

All of a sudden his career and his path for the next 5-6 years were pre-decided for him by them. He accepted this as he knew that he'd be away from them for atleast until after the next 3-4 years but little did he know that there was a new much harsher leash in the form of grades waiting in store for him. He was under the illusion that he was finally free and life was good for the first 2 years. He was now a "pro" at conforming and college taught him how to master the skill of camouflage , thus certainly adding new feathers to his hat. No one knew him and he never really made an effort to get to know anyone either. He liked to live in his own fantasy world where he was genuinely free , but his haunting demons eventually caught up to him in his asylum , his only paradise , thus his dreams exacerbated into nightmares. Since he could not live in his made-up reality anymore , he resorted to immerse himself in other's made-up reality i.e. the fiction genre. He read , saw and read until his eyes bled. He was stagnant, stable and cold, the "water" had now frozen into ice. His shut-in personality made him a pawn in the hands of five of the seven deadly sins. He was jealous of and felt frustrated with people who had his idea of "freedom" but did not realize how lucky they were .Sloth , lust and gluttony were the obvious byproducts of having too much free time. Greed and Pride did not hold much power over him as he had no idea what he really wanted and he did not really have anything to be proud of. He did not notice the leash getting tighter around his neck until it started choking him one day. He lashed out to free himself from the vice-like grip. It almost strangled him to his death. But he survived , that was the one thing he was good at. But he was not sure if his sole good attribute benefited him. He knew he could do well if he tried but he couldn't ever come up with a reason to strive for, even after scavenging what little part of a soul he had left in him a million times.

Everyone he knew was captivated with the scene of a chrysalis's metamorphosis into a butterfly. But he knew that his chrysalis was light years away from even a slightest
hint of evolution. He was afraid that he'd never be the vaporous being that he'd aspired to be , omnipresent and free. Freedom was not something he could achieve as long he was both the captor and the captive. He had to change something. He did not know what. He thought of changing something about himself daily, but nothing really worked. He eventually realized that he had to start loving himself in order to move on. But he was so far down the self-loathing road , that he could not start afresh . He hoped he could achieve that monstrous feat one day.

Amongst all this , two questions constantly kept bugging him:
Did he really love anyone? 
Did anyone really love him?
He knew he loved his parents because whenever he thought about standing up or going against
their expectations and hurt them , he'd be more hurt instead.He could not bear the idea of seeing them teary-eyed. He felt sorry he couldn't be a better son to them , one who could fulfill all their wishes without talking back. About the vice-versa whether they loved him or not, he wasn't so sure. He knew that they didn't hate him but he also knew that they did not love him for what he was right then. They loved him in the hope that they'd probably get to see a better version of "him" one day.

To be loved for who he was........... that was all he ever wanted!

Reviews

[Patricia Montclair]

Dear Bharath,
Thank you for allowing me to read your story.
I am not sure what you expect, in terms of a review, but I have had a lot of experience as an editor and critiquer, so I will try to do my best for you.
Anything I suggest is offered with total respect, and is only my professional opinion.
As always, please take what you need and ignore the rest.
1) You have a lot of wonderful emotion in this piece. Well done. I am not sure if this is to be published, but it is a wonderful look into he person's mind and soul, and thus into the writer's.
:)
2)Since this is a story and not an essay, you need to show the story and not tell it.
The best authors use body language in their narratives.
When you have a very emotional scene, slow it down. Let us hear your character’s thought. Highlight a few details. Show the actions.
3)Habitual use of TO- BE and TO- HAVE words can make writing dull and wordy. Substituting stronger, more expressive verbs can both brighten and trim a person’s writing style. Linking verbs convey a state of being rather than an action.
4) Strip out all of these filter words and focus on the action and description AS IT IS HAPPENING through the character’s point of view. Eliminating filtering words is an easy way to improve your writing right now.
May I suggest that you vary your sentence structure. This will help to better convey the emotion.
I hope I was of some small help.
Good luck in your writing.

[M. L. F.]

Agree entirely.... You have to drop your reader into the scene somehow. With all this fantastic emotion your character can absolutely become so interesting and in depth that the reader feels like he or she know him personally.. It was beautiful though, really. ;)

[Rose Jaeger Kaneki]

this is amazing, I love this story!
AMAZING STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[kclyaine]

I wonder if people can actually achieve what they wanted. I could say I'm the same as that boy, but different in ways. I would say I wanted love but I myself don't understand what that concept really meant. People suffered from misconceptions about what love really is. And I don't want that. Isn't it hard to breathe just following orders without freewill? I don't understand why people try so hard for others when they themselves can't achieve happiness.

Ok, that was just my stupid rumbling. I enjoyed your work. It makes me question the deeper meanings in life. I wish I could write a better review to you.

[Anna]

You expanded, and said what you needed to say very well. This was a tragic story, but sad to say they often end that way. I can safely say I enjoyed reading your every word.

[Alias]

very heartfelt expose, really raw emotions and well written phrases. The structure of the story reads a lot like a list 'he, he, he' which although is likely a product of the emotional charge with which you wrote it, to the reader I feel it detracts from the very real and severe emotions. The listing detracts from their true enormity.
It's a very relatable story, I felt myself talking along with you at times! And writing it all out is a very effective way of 'splurging' your feelings.

[Romalina]

That's the life story of every Indian tewnager ...atleast at the starting phase :) I really hope the entire story doesn't follow with anyone...
Whenever someone says ' log kya kahenge'...I always tell people this...logon ka kaam h kehna ;)
Beautiful language and good imagery :)
Just try spacing out your sentences a little bit as they seem to overlap a little bit :) otherwise amazing work!!

xxxxx
Romalina

[patricia]

This draws the reader in without any effort to grasp the subject, almost listening in to a stream of consciousness. I found myself trying to hear what the writer was not saying, but was continually drawn to what seemed for me a cry for freedom, an existential search and a crossroads, where one either recognises the depth of freedom one might find in the choosing itself. as in the freedom to be chained.
It is a good vent, and I felt the frustration in the subjects need to be real. And yet such realness escapes insidiously however we try to conform. Certainly a professional write, with a theme the world is waiting for. It is hard to do the things we don't want to do, and yet we do them a hundred times a day, when we attend to our duties. Enjoyed.

[Willard Wells]

The story of depression and other personal issues sounds like many on here. Every story is different. Now what I will mention is only for your consideration. It may have just been myself, but the story sound like a study of one person and the "He" seems to be over used.

I think you can improve the structure and message with a different lay out Look at the sentences and consider the word use. "he'd be more hurt instead.He could not bear the idea of seeing them teary-eyed. He felt sorry he couldn't" to "he'd be more hurt instead and could not bear the idea of seeing them teary-eyed. This brought sorrow that couldn't".

Story wise good work and the imagery was good. I am a big fan of short verse. It has helped me to reduce my word count. Sometimes less is more. Peace Out.

[Jessi]

Interesting piece. Lyrical in its own way! Keep writing.

[Mercy Fae]

To be accepted... That's truly a universal wish that speaks loud.

This piece is very great because it is relatable and true. Well done.

[Jacob Clifford]

Do you hear that? That's the sound of applause. You seem to have a real talent for building meaningful and complex concepts and are able to seamlessly expand upon them. I see much of what this boy experienced happening in society, albeit to a smaller scale. But all of it - the lack of control, the fluidity, the corrupted fantasy - exist when they really shouldn't, and they even feel relatable for me to an extent. I think the world as a whole could benefit from reading this and seeing the impact things of this nature can have on the mentality of people.

I've said this already, but I truly hope you continue your path in writing, friend. You have a great mind, the likes of which this world needs.