Part 1-2

I could hear the pattern of soft paws hitting the forest green floor. The sounded near. Although I could hear this sound distinctly, I knew that it was as silent as the night that enveloped me.

I looked around at my surroundings. Everything seemed a little strange somehow; like the edges of a dream or some distant memory. It was so surreal, yet felt like a dream. Was I dreaming, or was this reality?

None of my dreams had ever looked, or felt like this before. It was like I was connected to the life whose paws I heard with every heartbeat.

I searched the forest around me. Light was streaming in through the canopy, making a pattern throughout the never-ending trees. It looked peaceful. Felt peaceful. I hadn’t felt this since before the swing had stopped and no one answered my pleas of going higher.

A calmness spread through me. It felt like I belonged somehow, like this was my home, where I was meant to be.

There it was again, the sound of paws beating softly against the earth. Where was it coming from?

I looked to my left, expecting to see a gigantic wolf with bright blue piercing eyes. Because even though I was at peace in this hidden piece of heaven, I still knew what had been chasing after me before I arrived here.

But instead, at the line of trees breaking into a clearing where I was standing, stood something that I had not expected.

The most beautiful, and quite frankly, huge white tiger stood, just staring into my eyes. As I stared into its golden chocolate gaze, a sense of familiarity began to rise.

Where had I seen this magnificent creature before? My vision began to fade as I struggled to remain in this dream like reality. I needed to know what, or who, that was. It began to get darker.

No! Not yet. I need to know…

But it was too late, I had already blacked out.

Reviews

[JayG]

Well, you did ask, so…

You’re trying hard, but you’re still taking the outside-in approach of having the narrator carry 100% of the load, reporting events as though an invisible onlooker. I see that you’re trying to stay in the moment, but since you’re approaching it as an invisible, and external viewer, using first person personal pronouns changes nothing.

Think about it. This is the second chapter. And at its end we still don’t know something as basic as the protagonist’s gender, or why this person is in the woods trying to hide.

Look at what happens if we assume a male and change your first paragraph to third person:
- - - -
He could hear the pattern of soft paws hitting the forest green floor. They sounded near. Although he could hear this sound distinctly, he knew that it was as silent as the night that enveloped him.
- - - -

Minor point: You have the night “envelope” the character, but a few paragraphs later there’s light streaming through the trees.

That aside, the same person heard the same things, and knew the same things. So first person is doing nothing for you so far as adding immediacy. The same narrator is saying the same things ABOUT the scene, not living it.

Look at the paragraph as story. You have your protagonist note the sound of paws and note that they’re close. So we can say that this opening is live-action. So what would a reader expect to follow this? Perhaps speculation on what’s making the sound, which would be the natural reaction, and, give the reader context for the sound. Perhaps the protagonist would make an estimate of the danger, or feel relief from danger. In other words, what the sound means to the one hearing it. That’s story.

Instead, you leave the protagonist there tapping their foot in impatience, as the narrator takes center-stage and tells the reader that—for unknown reasons—the protagonist can hear the sound but others couldn’t. Who cares? No one else is listening. No one else is there. And any action the protagonist takes is based on THEM hearing it. So what you’re doing is stepping in as narrator, stopping the action cold, and feeding the reader something irrelevant to the protagonist in that moment. And fair is fair. It’s their story, not yours.

The short version: Get off the stage, you’re blocking the reader’s view of the action. And the fact that the protagonist doesn’t turn to the narrator and ask them who they are, and who they’re talking to, says they’re not real.

Next: Look at the structure if the opening line: “I could hear…” This is NOT the protagonist listening. It’s the narrator, someone not on the scene, dictating a report. You tell the reader that they COULD hear, not that they are hearing it. But the actual protagonist, as you and I would, is listening, analyzing, and acting, not commenting as the radio announcer as a sports event.

I don’t usually do this, but look at a quick parallel to the scene, presented as the protagonist might perceive it in real-time. The goal is to present everything you did, but as if the reader is the protagonist, perceiving what the living protagonist is:
- - - -
Eyes closed and listening, I widened my senses as far as possible. And there, buried within the noises of the forest and almost inaudible was the sound of soft paws moving on the forest floor. No way to tell what it was, other than heavy enough to crush dried leaves, and near enough to make running a waste of time. I couldn’t help but shake my head. There was a good chance that I was in trouble…again.
- - - -
Great writing? No. Nor is it your character or story. It’s just a parallel, but note the differences.

1. The narrator is not an active character, though we’re still in first person.

2. The reader is told nothing. They simply observe, and analyze what matters to the protagonist in the moment that person calls now.

3. The protagonist is actively noting, deciding, and reacting—and doing it in a way that calibrates the reader’s perceptions to that of the protagonist. Done well, the reader’s analysis will match the protagonist’s, making the scene real to them.

4. By doing it that way, and being the protagonist as I wrote the scene, I saw things you missed, like the protagonist knowing the size of the thing, in general, by the sound, and number of leaves being crushed. And by noting that, I gave a reason why someone could hear the steps of a tiger, which would be inaudible to anyone, or any instrument otherwise. After all, can you hear a cat stalking its prey unless what they step on makes noise? No.

Look at the sequence of events:

• The protagonist listens carefully. That tells the reader that something triggered that action, and that the protagonist feels they need to know what’s happening around them. That tells us their mindset and as such, is character-development and scene-setting.

• The protagonist widening their senses hints that this person possesses unusual abilities without having to explain it.

• The protagonist, rather than reporting, actively notes something unusual. And because the reader knows that the protagonist has an “aha” moment before they know what’s making the sound, they’ll actively want to know what was heard—just as much as the protagonist does. In other words, it’s a small hook.

• The protagonist analyzes on-the-fly, and reaches a conclusion as to size and possible danger that the reader, knowing as much as the character does, will agree with. Running is eliminated as an option, which will make the reader think about what other possibilities there are. They may literally stop reading and think about things like climbing a tree, or using a tree branch as a spear. And if you can make them do that, you win, because they’ll then want to know what the protagonist decides. And if, for example, the protagonist looks around to note the climbable trees nearby, the reader will say, “Yup. He’s doing what I would do.”

And finally, I had the character shake their head, to show that they weren’t terrified, which would be character development.

One of the techniques in that Dwight Swain book I suggested is summarized here:
http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php

It’s the one I used in my example. Used well, if someone throws a rock at the protagonist the reader will duck.

Make sense?

[Brooke Graco]

Once again, thank you for your review!
After reading your constructive criticism, as well as the web page that you provided, I can see I have a very long way to go!
But this has been extremely helpful! You are the only one who has been able to honestly give me constructive criticism which will help me better myself. I have bought Dwain's book and will analyze it thoroughly. Afterwards, I hope to return to my previous writings and re write them!
Thank you so much for your reviews!!

[JayG]

👍 Glad to help.