Hollow

I watch the men surround her

and take her for everything she is worth

she is willing

but pretends not to be

what is wrong with me? 

I feel like a man in an old picture show

touching myself feeling guilty

dirty

the contempt within me grows

They use her and abuse her

slap her across the face

and I watch like it's normal

to treat a women with such disgrace

Where did I start?

When I was 4 years old?

When they let the man touch me

and violate my soul?

I may have lost respect for men

and never trusted them again

but I always felt sorry for the girls

the ones for which they stole their pearl

left them an empty shell of who they were

one of the many mental breaks

for which there is no cure

I identify with them 

I feel shame festering

as I get off

the feelings begin rendering

I cry and cry

as I lay in bed

it is not quite something I can explain

something is broken in my head

The sobs I can't explain

nor the inexplicable shame

the feeling of self loathing

my emotions decomposing

It happened so long ago

is it still with me?

Will it ever go away?

It is in those moments

I contemplate the final end

the inscrutable ache

that I cannot apprehend

but I know I cannot leave this place

and I can't cut anymore

if I were to ever see my children's face

the only ones I truly adore

I keep them close to me

so they will never know

the pain I know

I don't understand why I cry

or feel empty

lost

broke

all I know is the tears keep coming

and I may never feel 

the wholeness again

that he stole

I just want to love again

myself

feel again

my soul

know again

my life

be again

whole

Sullen Girl by Fiona Apple

Author's Note

This is extremely personal for me and very raw. I am not going to read over it again so excuse any errors. I just let it come out of me and on here. It may not be perfect, but I needed to let it out somewhere.

Reviews

[unsavable_soul]

It's hard,
When a person goes through this. Sometimes we think because we were young and don't maybe even remember that it doesn't exist. Then it comes back to slap us in the face, when we least expect it there it is in some aspect of our life. I know I was abused when I was like 18 months old, I'm not comparing this just relating. I thought it didn't effect me because I didn't remember it. Then I look at my writing and I look at my soul, all I can see is I'm not the me outside I am on the inside. I don't think a person ever gets to deal with it, it was out of their hands. I'm an ear, a heart, and your best friend. Talk if you need, please.
Sincerely
Christopher

P.s. This was both amazing in it's entirety and awe inspiring in your courage. I would not critique work of this magnitude and passion. I weep for you.

[Jupiter]

Wow, Christopher. Thank you so much. Your words mean more than you really know. Thank you for sharing your experience as well. I admire your courage. I definitely think, for whatever misguided reason, it is harder for men to talk about this kind of thing. So I am immensely impressed by your outward expression, especially to say it in helping me.

"I don't think a person ever gets to deal with it, it was out of their hands."
This helped me the most. It is hard for me to expect. I keep thinking there will be some great end, some tangible closure... but it never comes. And it only creeps up on me at the most random times. Your comment there reminded me of the serenity prayer, I suppose I need to practice on letting go the things I can't change and changing the ones I can.

Thank you so much for everything. You are amazing and I am blessed (I never use this word, so take it to heart :P) to have you in my life.

Jupiter

[unsavable_soul]

Glad I could help,
Don't stop working through the emotions of your heart. But don't let it run away with you either.
With Love
Chris

[Jupiter]

That is a very hard line for me to walk along. I easily feel that I get caught up into my pain far too often.

Jupiter

[unsavable_soul]

You'll have to define where that line sits yourself, everyone's is different.
Chris

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

Heavy and raw...powerful. This is something that so many go through, and yet it is not brought to the forefront nearly often enough. I commend your courage and your strength in writing this. That aside, this is also just one damned good piece of poetry. Well done.

[Jupiter]

Thank you so much, Sarah. I really appreciate all of your kind words. It is strange because I do not have a problem letting people know I was a victim of someone else's twisted perversion. I do not feel shame in that it happened to me because I know there was nothing I could have done. I guess I feel shame in the way it shaped me. How I just can't seem to shake it. It has molded me, and I hate that.

Jupiter

[Aiden]

This was a hard read but still thoroughly appreciated and admired. nice work.

[Jupiter]

Thank you, Aiden. I am on to check our your work as we speak.

[Jessica Gillitzer]

Thank you for your deepest truths, this kind of thing is never easy. in any form it is always in some way the same. Somebody took something you never get back. i pain for you dear. No one deserves to be broken down at the hands of another. I know nothing ever changes it but I'm here for you to.
< 3 < 3 < 3

[Jupiter]

Thank you, Jessie. Your kind words are always appreciated here.

[allura]

This poem is very deep, I love it! You can tell you're not holding back anything, and Your words touch me somewhere inside, they take me to that painfully familiar place.
Beautiful piece!

[Jupiter]

Thank you, Allura. Your work does the same for me.

[Rita L. Sev]

This is so real and sad. This is, in many ways, an "elegy", a mournful piece reflecting on your deep loss, the loss of self, of trust, of wholeness. I hope that writing this has been, in some way, a catharsis for you. A brave and amazing write.

[Jupiter]

Thank you so much, Rita. This was a beautiful and touching review. It really made me reflect. I think writing can be the best therapy for this time of trauma sometimes, so I hope in someway, it did help.

[Alex Avery]

wow... this is deep. i love it!

[Jupiter]

Thank you.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

this is tough...abuse does this to a person..he or she takes the blame for what another did...feels dirty, full of shame...and then later gets confused as to what should excite us sexually..the voyeurism, the watching, the feeling of being taken back to that time...of having mixed feelings of being turned on and turned off all at once.

complicated.

[Jupiter]

Ahh, Jacob, as always you bring me understanding in your profound words. Thank you very much for reading this and reviewing. It means a lot to me.

Jupiter