Hollow

I watch the men surround her

and take her for everything she is worth

she is willing

but pretends not to be

what is wrong with me? 

I feel like a man in an old picture show

touching myself feeling guilty

dirty

the contempt within me grows

They use her and abuse her

slap her across the face

and I watch like it's normal

to treat a women with such disgrace

Where did I start?

When I was 4 years old?

When they let the man touch me

and violate my soul?

I may have lost respect for men

and never trusted them again

but I always felt sorry for the girls

the ones for which they stole their pearl

left them an empty shell of who they were

one of the many mental breaks

for which there is no cure

I identify with them 

I feel shame festering

as I get off

the feelings begin rendering

I cry and cry

as I lay in bed

it is not quite something I can explain

something is broken in my head

The sobs I can't explain

nor the inexplicable shame

the feeling of self loathing

my emotions decomposing

It happened so long ago

is it still with me?

Will it ever go away?

It is in those moments

I contemplate the final end

the inscrutable ache

that I cannot apprehend

but I know I cannot leave this place

and I can't cut anymore

if I were to ever see my children's face

the only ones I truly adore

I keep them close to me

so they will never know

the pain I know

I don't understand why I cry

or feel empty

lost

broke

all I know is the tears keep coming

and I may never feel 

the wholeness again

that he stole

I just want to love again

myself

feel again

my soul

know again

my life

be again

whole

Sullen Girl by Fiona Apple

Author's Note

This is extremely personal for me and very raw. I am not going to read over it again so excuse any errors. I just let it come out of me and on here. It may not be perfect, but I needed to let it out somewhere.

Reviews

[unsavable_soul]

It's hard,
When a person goes through this. Sometimes we think because we were young and don't maybe even remember that it doesn't exist. Then it comes back to slap us in the face, when we least expect it there it is in some aspect of our life. I know I was abused when I was like 18 months old, I'm not comparing this just relating. I thought it didn't effect me because I didn't remember it. Then I look at my writing and I look at my soul, all I can see is I'm not the me outside I am on the inside. I don't think a person ever gets to deal with it, it was out of their hands. I'm an ear, a heart, and your best friend. Talk if you need, please.
Sincerely
Christopher

P.s. This was both amazing in it's entirety and awe inspiring in your courage. I would not critique work of this magnitude and passion. I weep for you.

[Jupiter]

Wow, Christopher. Thank you so much. Your words mean more than you really know. Thank you for sharing your experience as well. I admire your courage. I definitely think, for whatever misguided reason, it is harder for men to talk about this kind of thing. So I am immensely impressed by your outward expression, especially to say it in helping me.

"I don't think a person ever gets to deal with it, it was out of their hands."
This helped me the most. It is hard for me to expect. I keep thinking there will be some great end, some tangible closure... but it never comes. And it only creeps up on me at the most random times. Your comment there reminded me of the serenity prayer, I suppose I need to practice on letting go the things I can't change and changing the ones I can.

Thank you so much for everything. You are amazing and I am blessed (I never use this word, so take it to heart :P) to have you in my life.

Jupiter

[unsavable_soul]

Glad I could help,
Don't stop working through the emotions of your heart. But don't let it run away with you either.
With Love
Chris

[Jupiter]

That is a very hard line for me to walk along. I easily feel that I get caught up into my pain far too often.

Jupiter

[unsavable_soul]

You'll have to define where that line sits yourself, everyone's is different.
Chris

[Jordan Adkins]

Oh, I love this. There is no way I can describe just how good I think this is.

[OfDeathandLove]

This is amazing. Pure emotion brought into a pure poem. Thank you so much for writing this down, it is so much better than any alternatives. Stay strong, and know that you are loved. This is amazing.

[M Chavan]

A brave write.... Truly appreciate it... Appreciate your courage on posting it...
Touched my heart...

[Ravyne Hawke]

Since this is so personal, and since I've known both physical and emotional abuse, I will only say this: your poem is honest, raw, and captures the abuse of so many who can relate. I wouldn't try otherwise to critique this. I read it twice, maybe I am a masochist, but I can understand why you could not read it again. Thank you for the bravery to write and post this.

[Peter H]

this is a melancholy write . it could see the feeling's that went to it the post truma of abuse can be really saddening .to be able to put these feelings into words in itself is excellent . this is a good write .

[Sheeba]

Dear Jupiter
"I just want to love again
myself
feel again
my soul
know again
my life
be again
whole"
Really love these lines in the poem, The full power of the poem is in these lines.

[Gianna Dale]

I'm so impressed by you. What a brave, brave thing you have done here. Your courage inspires me. I can't personally relate to this piece, but I'm sure there are so many women/girls that do. Writing is nothing if it's not expression, so write how you need to in order to express yourself. I'm so happy that you could here.

[Mother Maggie]

It is an amazing piece and it captures images of the souls of many of the women I have counseled as a lay minister. I have been through that fire and your words brought me to tears--I wish I could reach across the continent and hold you in a sheltering hug.

Namaste and Blessed Be Dear One

[Jupiter]

Ahh, Maggie. Just your words enveloped me like a sweet embrace. I can feel your warmth and your comfort though we may be far away. Thank you so much for this review, it brought tears to my eyes.

Jupiter

[M Sanders]

This is amazingly written. This is a subject in which I can relate, a lot of those same feelings that you spoke about hit home. My heart goes out to you and I pray that you find peace.
I love this poem of truth, the rawness and emotion. There is so much I want to say about this but I just can't find my words. :)



P.S. Define yourself by who you chose to be and not by the things that have passed or are out of your hands


Your Friend
M

[Jupiter]

Thank you, M. Your words are healing. I am so sorry you can relate to this... no one should be able to. But I am not blind in the sense that I know it happens every day. I wish I could save all of those poor babies.

I try not to define myself by it. It doesn't control me, I don't feel shame. I just wish they it didn't sit there in the back of my subconscious somewhere. Because I know, deep down, it shapes me in some ways and I hate that.

Jupiter

[M Sanders]

Well said :) the mind does break and at times smells and circumstances draws some of that back. Thanks you for sharing

M

[M Sanders]

I meant for that to read more like: it is drawn out by a touch, a smell or simply circumstance. Yes it seems ever present in the subconscious. I tried to fix this before it posted. Darn phone, I hope you can make sense of it :p

[Vikrantsingh]

I read it .. got goosebumps throughout,
You have very sensitive way of expressing your thought.. Jupiter.. Well i suppose.. you made me fan of ours.
I will be reading all of your hard work.
Just have to which will give me few more idea to improve myself in terms of creativity and some more influence for better work upcoming right a way :)

All the best!
Kind Regards,
Vikrantsingh Parmar

[Jupiter]

Thank you for your kind words, Vikrantsingh. You are too nice. I really appreciate the feedback. It was therapeutic in a way and it makes me feel better to know that other people were able to read it, understand it, and sympathize with it. Like I'm not alone, you know?

Jupiter