A New Beginning

 As I sit here day by day wondering, just wondering if anything will ever change. I've been alone for several years without any intimacy. I have been pushed away by family members and have lost a few friends. It feels as if I'm stuck in this world alone and no one just no one truly even likes me. I'm about middle aged with no kids and never have been married. So, I've been talking to this guy for well over a year. There are some things he had said that has kinda made me mad and makes me realize at times, "what am I thinking?" What am I thinking that I could even have anyone ever again. "How is that I'm even in his league?" I feel as if I'm not good looking enough, too fat, I just don't feel like I'm enough. I am skittish, I know. I have learned from past relationships as well as everything that has happened and it's like I don't want anything even worse to happen so, I'm closed in. I keep myself closed in walls. All the guys I'd ever been with, there would always be another woman or women. I was not the only one ever! It just feels like it will stay that way so, I seem to know where all relationships will lead when I'm in them.....pretty much. 

 I feel as if I just want to be isolated from this world, I don't want to have to deal with anyone ever for anything! Don't get me wrong, there is good in all people but they are the most vicious monsters on this planet. They will try and tear you down, they will lie about you just to get popularity and have others involved in tormenting you for no reason. I've dealt with this in school, out of school, neighbors, but what was the worst was family, you know they say that in the bible that family is your worst enemy. I do love them and all, I just got tired of being treated like crap by them and they are the ones who pushed me away. I try to come back and visit and s**t hits the fan so, why even go there. Just to think this pandemic was to keep people away, people had already pushed me away long before that. I know I'm not all that nuts by any means but I would never treat people the way I've been treated, so totally wrong! I did not deserve it one bit. I only wish for everyone to be happy.