They say that high school is a journey. I guess for the most part I’d have to agree. It had become nothing more than a routine the past four years and standing in my cap and gown, faking smile after smile as cameras continually flashed, I’ve never been more afraid. It was supposed to be an exciting moment…I was supposed to be ready to jump out of my skin. But if I wasn’t waking up late, disrupting classes and forgetting homework…what would I be doing with myself throughout the next year? Perhaps it was the end of a chapter…a chance to face the reality I’d been trying so hard to avoid. But it was hitting me head on now, impossible to run away from. My best friend Chris was next to me and his girlfriend was next to him. I envied them both in this moment, simple because they had it all figured out. They had their colleges and their majors waiting for them. But more than just that, they had each other and they’d have each other as their lives continue make their changes. But for me, once the summer came to an end, so would my lifelong friendships. I knew this. I’d known it for a while. But I still hadn’t made any plans of my own. Football season ended with no hopes of scholarships and my report card didn’t show any signs of college happening soon. My life could go anywhere from here. How long would I be in Kansas? How long would I stay with my parents? I wondered if it was even up to me.
I looked across the campus, the kids I’d grown up with all following the same actions as me. An elementary school friend stood with his parents, chatting and holding a smile. I knew he was probably cracking jokes, that’s who he’d become the last few years. As I watched him I found myself wondering how he’d somehow gone from a person I know…to a person I knew. I must admit that I hadn’t noticed this until now. We were good friends, we’d played ball together. But once high school hit we faded into what we are now. He noticed me looking his way and offered a wave, which I returned with a crooked smile. I couldn’t help but think that he was thinking the same things as me. He wasn’t the only one I’d lost touch with through the years. After I had decided that I wanted to be a “big shot” and not care if anyone liked me or if I accomplished anything. Ha, yeah, look where that got me. But it’s too late to take that back now. I have no choice but to leave all the endings where they were.
Speaking of endings, I couldn’t seem to get my eyes off of Lisa Hanson. I knew that green was her best color but…MAN! I somehow missed her pushy personality and annoying outlook on life. She looked at me and gave an eye roll that made me smile for some reason. She was something. I mean, yeah, she was obnoxious and stuck up and her laugh made me want to strangle something…preferably her. But we had something…and dumping her was… surprisingly easy now that I think of it. It ended quickly and opened the door to something else. And when I say “something else” I mean…Well…
Melanie Stewart was my first love. I never knew I’d be willing to do so much for a girl. But she took everything from me; from my strength and my confidence to my ability to stop myself from crying. She held it all in her palm and smashed it with a clenched fist. She was now standing with a few friends, looking just as flawless as I remembered. Her eyes sparkled along with the permanent smile on her face. I never knew if she had the same emotions as me or if I was stupid for wanting her to show just the slightest bit of disappointment. Just by simply watching her and seeing she was okay, made feelings stir inside of me. The feelings I was so sure had dissolved somehow.
She never once looked up at me, forcing me to turn my attention back to Chris and the handful of friends that surrounded me. I studied each of their faces, knowing this was probably one of the last times we’d all stand together. This didn’t seem to faze them and if it had, they did an amazing job of not letting it show. I felt a hand on my back that brought my back into reality, and smiled for yet another picture.
Before I left, I tried to take everything in; the bell in front of the school that we rang on our way in as freshmen, and then again as we left as graduates. The practice field the coach would wear us out on. The windows we’d daydream out of as another teacher went on about information we were bound to forget. The door we walked in everyday after parking our car in the same space. Things that were part of the routine that we had begun to call our life. I replayed the past four years in my head. Never again would I look into the stands to see a sea of fans cheering me on. I wouldn’t cram for a test just so I could stay on the team, or stay up until 3 AM just to finish an assignment. No more books weighing down my back pack or school lunches making my stomach do flip flops. No more high school relationships fading, or best friends become worst enemies. My life would change, but Derby High School would stay the same, people coming and going…I was just part of that cycle.
I finally made my way to my car, leaving the school behind me. My friends and I had graduation parties to attend and I couldn’t leave them waiting simply because I couldn’t get over reality. I wish I could walk back in…start all over as someone new. But I couldn’t. All I had was the summer ahead along with the life I was about to lead. I felt excitement around me, celebration, and happiness. I mean, why not? This was it. This was what we’d worked for. This was the end.