Journal: Imagine you're me.

A quick description of my chaotic love life. Sort of. Just one person really. It's a journal write of minor proportions. Probably the only time I'll post something like this. EVER.

God, where to begin? This is the first time I’ll have ever tried to write something this personal, and it will probably be the last. Have you ever had a friend that you were willing to go to the ends of the earth and back for? I do. We met years ago in school. At the time of my writing this they have graduated, I have not. I’m a senior, they’re a year ahead. 

We got to know each other throughout the years. It was a normal enough friendship. But from the start we both kept our true feelings secret. I won’t use love, because that’s a strong word, and despite the strong feelings I don’t think that I can commit to that use even after all this time. At least not in that way. 

Imagine, sitting with your friends, someone walks up and says that this person, someone you’ve watched from afar and had a massive crush on, has a crush on you as well. But you’re too shy to outright say your feelings back, and so you hide them. You become their friend, slowly try and work up the courage, eventually do, and find that you were a day too late. Story of my life. But back to the point.

You stay friends. You keep talking. Eventually it’s summer time. Summer romances and all. They say that they have been hiding some feelings for a while now. You say the same. You both confess to the same feelings. You are both happy. You spend a summer of happiness, simply together. Holding each other. Nothing more. Nothing less. Being together. Happy. 

Then one day they move in for more. You were ready, but not for a full frencher, tongue and all. You hesitate for just a moment. They read that as disinterest. Apologize profusely. You assure them that you simply weren’t ready for that, but that it wasn’t a sign of not being interested, simply caught you off guard. You both say that you have come to terms with it, you’re both ok. 

You find out a few months later that that’s not what they told their friends. According to them; you pushed them away when they tried to kiss you. Then threw them out of the house. 

You explain otherwise. Get mixed results. Time passes.

You remain friends with them. They apologize, blame a mishearing from their friends for the rumor. To this day some of them won’t let it go. 

But you have reconciled. You still care for the person. They may not have been your first thought, but they are now, again. 

You go back to what you had before. Simply holding each other. Now it’s your final summer before your final year of high school. They’re already out. 

You hold each other again. Happiness. Things move foreword again. This time no flinching away. You get to the shirts-off point, not that far, but something. Just the one time of semi-nudity. 

They leave. Drop off the face of the earth.

You finally get into contact with them. It’s a month later. They explain everything. They say that they’re depressed. Have been for some time. You moved too fast, even to the level you two were at it was too much. They spiraled. 

You keep being friends. They move out of town, now a 20 minute drive. Seems like such a short distance, but it feels like an eternity. Your’s is the only place that you two can be alone together, so you’ve almost always been at your house.

You keep in touch, intermittently. They make the trip over again a few more times. 

Every time that you talk and try to set a time together, they always say they just want to go to your house. You accept. When you are together you simply go back to holding each other, just like always. You’re afraid to go too far, too scared of chasing them away again. 

They’re full blown depressed. Not being consistent with meds. You’re worried. Now, every time you try and contact them they take days to respond. You know that they’re there. They keep in touch with other people. But yours take days, weeks. You feel like you’re being ignored. 

But every time you do contact them they’re happy. They say that they miss you, and that they really want to get together again. Is it a facade? Trying to minimize damage to your feelings?  

You set up times to get together. At they’re urging, as well as yours. They seem enthusiastic.

The time comes for them to meet you. They don’t show. They don’t answer their phone. Nothing. Stood up. 

Try again. Stood up. 

Again.

Again.

Each time is an excuse. They’ll try better next time. You want to give up, but you don’t. You care for them. In some ways more than ever. Even through all the hurt. 

You feel like you can’t just give up. They don’t want you to. They said so. You feel hurt. Not sure what to do. They are increasingly distant. The fear that if you give up, move on, they’ll react bad. Spiral more. 

What to do? You still very much love them, in some sense of the word. You want to be with them, you enjoy it and they seem to enjoy it too. But is it a facade? Are you really doing more harm by being around them than good? 

Is it better to move on?

*sigh*

I’ve rambled enough. I just needed to know that this story is out there, somewhere. 

If you’ve gotten this far, thank you. Enjoy your day.

-Moi

Author's Note

Not really intended to be reviewed. Ignore grammar. It's atrocious.