Notes to my father.

I wrote this over the summer. I just found it again. Nothing has changed.

I was nine years old when I first realised I was gay. Of course, I didn't know there was a word for it then. I thought I was different to everyone else in the world. So I kept quiet.

When I got to secondary school, I started dating boys. At first it was because it was what you're 'supposed to do'. Later, it was trying to be straight. I thought that if I pretended hard enough, I could change who I was. The more I lied to myself, the more I hated myself. I did things then that I have regretted for the rest of my life; I thought that I'd learn to like the feel of a man. It never happened.

With no-one to talk to, no outlet for my emotions, I let mindless teenage infatuations take over my life. They caused so much trouble, so much heartache, that once again I tried to force myself to change. I hoped that by getting more religious, I could pray it all away. It was a distraction for a while. I went on pilgrimage. I got confirmed. I dated another boy. But it was like I was being continuously ripped in two. It left scars.

At school, I'd lost friends, respect and dignity. I'd come close to suicide twice, I'd hurt myself often. When college came around, it was a chance to start again. It took all of my courage to be open about who I was.

Acceptance wasn't universal, but no-one hated me, shunned me or abused me here. At college, wounds started to heal. I managed to trust again. I found friends, support and care. But I still had to hide at home.

i never thought I'd trust anyone enough to let them get really close to me. I wasn't attracted to men, and my self-hate kept me away from other people. I never thought I'd love.

Then I met Liv. It wasn't intentional, we were friends. But we fell into each other. Looking into her eyes is like diving into a swimming pool after a long absence. Her voice is like the tide, ebbing and flowing on the shore. Being in her arms is safety, protection, trust. It's never been about sex, fantasy or attention.

I finally found someone that I could spend forever with. All I did was fall in love.

I just want you to be happy for me.

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[Sammi]