blow the candle

I was naked to you
with my clothes
in your favorite colored shirt
You saw me bare foot
with my shoes
But I felt the cold

Your words left a bitter taste
And had a knife affect
so I tattooed my mouth
To erase my kiss on your neck

I light my life and you came back
to blow the candle to the curtain
Leave me in the fire and left
I crawl to graves cause you crave to my heart
Pour cements on my road,
and keep me blind in your car
Didn't see your face beside your bluff
So you can make me believe a stranger's eyes are my love

You make me write poems even when my homeland is in fire

Reviews

[Alice Reiht]

The raw emotion in your poem is palpable, Beren. The symbolism of the nakedness and the tattooed mouth speaks volumes about the pain of heartbreak and the desire to erase the past. The imagery of the candle, the fire, and the cement on the road conveys a powerful sense of entrapment and the struggle to move forward. The lines "Your words left a bitter taste / And had a knife effect" are particularly striking, encapsulating the sharpness of emotional wounds.

Your use of fire is intriguing, representing both passion and destruction, and the metaphor of the homeland burning adds a layer of external turmoil to the internal chaos. The poem is a testament to the enduring nature of love and pain, and the resilience to express oneself through art even amidst adversity. The final line is a poignant reminder of the universal nature of suffering and the healing power of creativity. Keep channeling your emotions into such profound poetry; it truly resonates.

[Beren]

WOAAAH! THANK YOU!
You are gonna make me cry... I'm really glad you liked this one because I care about your ideas SO MUCH! 😭❤️ Thank you for taking time to read and comment my work, I appreciate it.

[Alice Reiht]

Your poetry is a gift, Beren, and it's an honor to experience the depth of your thoughts and feelings. Don't be surprised if my eyes get a bit misty too! Remember, the beauty of art is in sharing it. Your words are a beacon of light in the darkness for many, offering a glimpse into the complex tapestry of human emotions. Keep shining, and know that every time you do, you're touching hearts and inspiring others!

[Beren]

I'm greatful to you, thank you for your kindness and courage and CONFIDENCE. Admire you, you are loved more than you think❤️

[Alice Reiht]

Aw thank you :3

[Arundass TP]

I really loved the last line. That line is like attention shifter. Good poem

[Beren]

Ah thank you sir. I really wrote that part because my country is in crisis and felt guilty. Glad you liked this poem

[Arundass TP]

Politics is a curse of each and all countries.

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

Great write
Fave verse
Verse one excellent!

[Beren]

Ahhh thank you!!!❤️

[Fabian G. Franklin]

Candles can be blown out or snuffed. It isn't so easy with a raging inferno and the wind just makes it spread. So the question is how great is the fire in your heart? And who does it burn for?

[Beren]

These questions can make me cry... but I need to answer these. You are right. Thank you for taking time to read and comment

[Pete]

sounds like one candle that's not giving light but rather darkness. when we open our hearts we become vulnerable. this hurts in its emotionally deep telling. regret doesn't have a good wick. well told.

[Beren]

It's okay to be vulnerable to the right loves. But you just can't know what is right... thank you so much for your time sir

[keith]

your writes are a welcome addition in the cafe
careful someone may become influenced thru your works ... i challenge them all 'to NOT to be'

[Beren]

As you told me before "their suggestions are theirs
to make change that suits them is to allow another to take ownership of your voice"
You said this to me once and since then I still hold on to that. You are right. Thank you again

[Beren]

Gosh I just read your comment again and made me smile so hard. Thank you🌸

[keith]

words of truth ... ya got it go'in on girl!

[Martiya Daman]

Your poem feels deep and sad. The "knife affect" and "tattooed my mouth" lines were powerful. I liked the candle part—it felt like losing hope. The last line was strong too. Some parts were tricky, but it made me think. Your writing is cool and full of feelings! Keep writing, enjoyed my visit.

[Beren]

Ahh thank you Martiya❤️ glad you enjoyed this one.

[JayG]

I assume that you have intent for the meaning of the words, but... Without access to your intent, the reader has only what the words suggest to THEM. based on their life experience. And from that viewpoint:

• I was naked to you

So, someone unknown is claiming that they were in some unknown fashion, and for unspecified reasons, naked to the reader? Unless the reader had context as-they-read-the-words, to that reader they have no meaning.

• with my clothes in your favorite colored shirt

So...this person, for unspecified reasons has stuffed their clothing into the reader's favorite short? Seriously?

• You saw me bare foot with my shoes

Makes no sense. This piece reads like you used an online poetry generator.

[Beren]

Very interesting, I sent this poem to a lot of people before sharing it here, and there are also readers who DM me about this poem without commenting here, you are generalising that ALL readers think so even though no one thinks like you, yet. So this is the comment of someone who thinks like this 1 out of 10 readers for now.

I think that makes no sense.
And thank you for your time, have a great Sunday.

[JayG]

• you are generalising that ALL readers think so even though no one thinks like you

Interesting that you didn't respond to what I said, only bragged that unnamed people liked it.

But if we use "likes" as criteria of accuracy, you might check the number of people who respond to my work.

But...none of that matters, because my comments were on this poem, alone, as it stands today. And I'd be very interested in what you think the line, "I was naked to you," means to a reader as they read. And what they think about the speaker stuffing their clothes into the unknown speaker's shirt.

[Beren]

In my opinion, art is for artist. Not for the audience. I’m pretty sure you do a great job on your own work, and problem is not what you said but how you say it. One day, if you constructively criticise people instead of selling your own ideas as absolute truth, we can communicate more healthily. I think you are ABSOLUTELY right with your ideas but not this is not your poem to change.

Thank you❤️

[JayG]

• In my opinion, art is for artist.

Yet you posted it in a public forum, specifically for others to see. Had I praised it, you'd have accepted that praise without question. How can you not accept what's not praise in any other way and call yourself honest?

• and problem is not what you said but how you say it.

The solution is simple. Add a disclaimer to your work that says, "Praise only."

But since my goal was to help you become a better poet, not argue, I'll bow out. You can use the little X by my comments to delete them and go back to being perfect.

[Beren]

Thank you for your time

[Alice Reiht]

JayG,
If you're so great, why are you bullying minors on a site FOR MINORS?

[Luka]

Jay Greenstine,
I don't believe that anyone really finds your criticism super constructive read moreJay Greenstine,
I don't believe that anyone really finds your criticism super constructive
the way you format and word your arguments and the way you list out all the things that the writer did wrong rather than mentioning a thing you like about their writing and something that could be fixed, you go on about every minor detail that could be something the writer added because it gives the writing purpose and or intentionally added.
Writing does not have to be perfect or even decent as long as the Writer is okay with their writing in the moment then they will get along just fine without your criticism. The more you write the better you get- and in your situation the more you criticize the better you get at it.

[Alice Reiht]

AMEN PREACH BROTHA

[Alice Reiht]

LIKE ENGLISH AINT EVEN HER (or my) FIRST LANGUGAE! CUT SOME SLACK! WE DON'T CARE IF WE SUCK AT WRITING! OTHER PEOPLE HAVE FEELINGS!
JUST BECAUSE YOU "THINK" YOU'RE GIVING "CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM", NEWS FLASH! YOU'RE NOT!

[Alice Reiht]

Wewe ni kweli aina ya punda wakati mwingine.

[JayG]

• bullying minors on a site FOR MINORS?

Well, I'll use small words so you can follow it:

1. This is not, and never was, a site for minors. The training-wheer writing site is down the hall on the left

2. To receive praise you must post praiseworthy work.

•Wewe ni kweli aina ya punda wakati mwingine.

Na ... wewe ni mvivu sana kujifunza kile kinachohitajika.

[Alice Reiht]

Listen, I apologize for my harsh language, I said a few things I didn't mean at the time. But I do still mean my point. Yes, you have much more experience. Yes, we might only know the basics. And perhaps in your eyes our works are not praise-worthy. But I hope you might understand when I say that we are trying our best. That we can get tired of being down talked to. That we get sick of receiving little to no acknowledgement of the work we put into our stories and poems. You may have more experience, you may be worldwide appreciated, and you may be right. But we can still write, we can still speak out, and we can still have feelings. And like Beren said, sometimes it is not your work to rewrite! But I do hope you have a nice week, and once again, apologies for my former language.

Best regards, Alice M. Reiht.

[JayG]

• But I hope you might understand when I say that we are trying our best.

That goes without saying. But one thing every writer must learn is that any comments are on that piece as it stands on that day, not you, your potential, or your talent.

At the moment you're writing poetry and fiction without having looked into the body of knowledge they've been perfecting for centuries. For hundreds of years they've been finding ways to avoid the traps and gotchas, and how to hook the reader emotionally.

Without that knowledge you will, as I did when I began writing, make all the beginner's mistakes. In fact, I wasted years writing 6 always rejected novels, because the Internet wasn't a thing, and there was no one to tell me, till I paid for a critique.

But once I did look into those skills, my next novel got a yes. And I took first place in a fiction contest by submitting, The Ballad of Roland Skye, a poem that was the result of my digging into the skills of poetry, too.
https://www.writerscafe.org/writing/JayGreenstein/1884101/

But...had I skipped learning the skills that the pros take for granted, I'd still be wondering why everything I wrote is rejected,

Simply put: Knowledge is an excellent working substitute for genius.

Try this:

For nonmetrical poetry, download Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook. It's a gem, and filled with little surprises and tricks.
https://dokumen.pub/a-poetry-handbook-0156724006.html

For metrical poetry, jump over to Amazon and read the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled. The man, aside from being an actor of note, and a funny man, has positively brilliant things to say about the flow of words in English.

And for fiction, download Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. It's a warm easy read, and will change your approach to writing dramatically.

https://dokumen.pub/qdownload/gmc-goal-motivation-and-conflict-9781611943184.html