Songs of Remembrance

Cows are crying in the farm

And she needed a strong-arm

There is a Juvenile

 without any harm

Alarm goes on for a guest

Bad feeling on her chest

bu she wear the best dress

Men came from the West

Parents had their best masks

No answer for questions they asked

A dinner with a bread

 and a few grass

They lied, they fast.

You'll be a soldier soon, war is close

I'll be back to my father's house

We won't pay for a single blouse

And I'll cook without a spouse

Because politicians couldn't get enough gold

You won't see your child gets old

Won't have a grave, we can cry on

Baby will grow in the cold

 

If you are going to army,

I will put salt in your coffee.

Widow at a young age

Beautiful in a gold cage

Folks talks about the pain

In the first page

 i put salt in your coffee

but gave it to my dad

 offered to gave us a trophy

from their blooded hands

Songs of remembrance will not bring you back to me

They put salt in your having a family duty

Author's Note

In my old culture, if women did not want the man, they would give him salted coffee during the introduction ceremony.

I feel like this poem is incomplete but it's a pain that can't be spoken about, for now I'll let the wind blow the dust off the pain

Reviews

[Alice Reiht]

"Songs of Remembrance" is a poignant narrative, Beren, that captures the essence of loss and the bitterness of war. The imagery of the crying cows and the juvenile without harm sets the stage for an innocent world soon to be disrupted by the harsh realities of conflict. The contrast of the dinner scene with the parents in their best masks, serving bread and grass, is haunting, revealing the desperation beneath the surface. The decision to become a soldier and the subsequent consequences for the family is a heart-wrenching theme that echoes through the poem.

The use of the mundane act of adding salt to coffee as a symbol of love and rebellion adds a poignant twist to the narrative. The transformation of the young wife into a widow in a gold cage encapsulates the tragic cycle of war's aftermath. The final stanza is a stark reminder that no song or memory can bring back what was lost. Your ability to weave such a profound and emotionally charged story within the confines of a poem is truly remarkable. Thank you for sharing this moving piece with us.

[Beren]

Thank you my dear friend❤️

[Thomas W Case]

Wow. Sad and powerful. You bring the sadness to life.

[Beren]

Thank you sir, I appreciate your visit.

[John the Baptist]

I had a little trouble following this one, but there is no doubt it is about war and its effects on common people. There is a sense of hopelessness here, of attempting to bear up under the unbearable. I could not help thinking of Ukraine.

[Beren]

Thank you for being honest, and for your visit.

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

The reason I never joined the service is I didn't want to fight for a politician's pride. A compelling and heartfelt poem.

[Beren]

I see.. this is a great reason. Thank you so much for taking time to visit and read.

[redzone]

It's funny how different people read poetry, what they take from the poem, etc. For me, poetry, like any other art form is to communicate with people and to make them "feel". This can be done using many different forms and styles, including rhyme schemes, structure, as noted in the other comments. And the advise given are good ones.

For me though, it is what the poem evokes in me, how it makes me feel and think, what is being communicated in the words used. In your poem Beren, I felt the pain of loss of a loved one to war, the taste of salt in the coffee and a cry for a reason to justify such loss. To me, it is this that makes your poem a fine piece of art. Perhaps at some point you may be able to "complete" this poem, but the wind has blown the dust filled pain in my direction.
-Curt

[Beren]

Ahh your last words made me so happy,( not happy because you felt pain, didnt meant that hahaha) glad that you can feel that. I feel this poem too. I'm just learning how to write, I'm not even 20 yet and English is not my native language so I'm open to comments🌸.

Really appreciate you take time to read my poems and sharing your thoughts. Have a great week sir.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

I was going to mention what Winston did, but don't need to now.
I really like the emotion spent on this poem...but a few more minutes on the word choice will make it stronger.
j.

[Beren]

Thank you sir.

[W. Barrett Munn]

Hi, Beren.

Knowing you work a lot with lyrics I understand why you went with rhyming. I suggest, if you don't know it already, to look into what are called slant rhymes, also called near rhymes.
I would also suggest not using the first, the easieist rhyme word thought of. When we do that, we tend to get too nursery rhyme sounding.

And editor suggested to me and a crowd of others to use slant rhymes that only match the word we're rhyming 80% and not the first even of those. By choosing more difficult rhyme words we open up our subsconscious to invent better stories.

Winston

[Beren]

This is a really good advice. Thank you for this, it broadened my horizons. I appreciate your help.