In Memory of my Father

You lose someone once and you think the sun will never rise again. This is more of a poem about despair, fatherlessness coincided with despair. plot twist, sun always rises. but it's night now.

I fought until my cuticles were torn off

I punched the wall but I was the only one who was hurt

After the sun came I looked at the flooded streets

After that rain it didn't worth to see the rainbow

My flowers were torn and broken by the wind

I didn't even try to dry the water that came in

I covered the sound of drops hitting the walls with my screams

I found meaning in the peeling plaster

I called a fortune teller and begged her to sell me hope

Even turning on the lights and drawing the curtains was a movement full of bright

But I can't even stand the gleam anymore

I believed that I will find life in the morgue

So I ran to my father's grave to escape from my home

They told me to clean the dried grass

Forgive me Father; can I do it later?

I'm too tired right now

I can't even pray, I don't know why I'm here

A muddy soil cause of the rain and thorns with roses

My birthday is written on your tombstone

Even the age you would have been if you had lived

Still too young to die

Author's Note

My father died on my birthday and today is his anniversary. I have grown up since the day he died but he will always be at the same age.
23/12

Reviews

[Lorry]

Well that is one tough gig to play snd on your birthday too!
Days will pass by in a haze and one day you'll forget for a moment and laugh or smile again, but then you'll feel awful for it.
I won't say it will get better, but it will get more bearable and it will make it easier to remember the good times too.
My Dad passed very soon after 9/11 and every anniversary of thar reminds me of him and the last conversation we had, where he just shook his head, let out a sigh and said something like "bar steward's" I think.
Summed up perfectly by the man of few words.
One day you'll realise that he wouldn't want to be the cause of your sadness and you will try to smile again.
Hope it's soon.

[berenongur]

I don't think it goes away with time, it doesn't get better, you don't get used to it or it doesn't lose its effect. You just remember it less. But every time you remember it, you relive that loss all over again. I can understand. I'm definitely better now, I'll still miss him bitterly but not that sharper anymore, i learned better how to deal with it. I'm so sorry for your loss. Everything they said and every memory is so precious. I hope you're better too.

I'm grateful for stopping by here to read my poem and share your own story. hope i see you again soon

[Soren]

a heartrending poem of loss and sadness. Very well expressed in images of a dark type. Poetically done.

[berenongur]

It's definitely a compliment that I read over and over again, concisely written.
thank you so much for reading and paying attention.

[Neville]

this is of course tragic & your emotions reflect the enormity of loss .. grieving is a very personal thing so don't think you have to follow any set or textbook instruction or rules .. it may sound like a cliché but time really is a good healer .. and although your life will never be quite the same again and birthdays have a sting .. you will eventually feel different and I hope be able to smile once more again .. Neville

[berenongur]

Death is a reality, you can't deny it and you just become less aware of that loss over time, and you're right, there really is no right way to grieve. You just do the best you can. Time doesn't heal everything, but it helps you forget. As I wrote in another comment; time is a medicine when used correctly. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

[Neville]

I have been where you are now or were when you wrote these words .. I am now somewhere else even tho there is a huge empty space I left behind

[berenongur]

you will be better. trust.

[Lydia Shutter]

I can identify with the heartfelt emotions so well expressed in this poem. My dad passed 30 years ago and my life changed on that day. We never forget them....they are part of who we are. They are frozen in time in our memories. I am so sorry he passed on your birthday. That is a knife in the heart for you every year. I hope writing helps you cope a bit. Lydi***

[berenongur]

I think losing a parent feels like losing half of your body. It's like the half that made you exist is gone... but I'm better now and believe me you don't want to know how young I am, I didn't want to carry this pain and mourning process to a later age. People are still surprised to learn that I don't have a father, because of my age. like dead has a deadline.
I'm so sorry for your loss, I hope writing helps you and I appreciate you taking the time to comment and read my poem.

[Şenay]

This is so heartfelt and emotional.
I'm sorry for your loss.
May you find comfort in the knowledge that his love and spirit will continue to guide you on your journey and may his memory bring you peace.

[berenongur]

yes. Just knowing where their bodies bloom is often enough. thank you so much for your time!

[Ern M. Yoshimoto]

this was a devastating elegetic work. i lost my mother last spring. the grief, the anger, the feeling of being lost, i had it all. in these words that express so much, i took it all in and resonated with me deep down. i am sorry for your loss. i do not know if it gets better. it's only been six months for me. but i wish you a happy birthday. sorry that the only thing i can give you as a present is this review.
one day, when you are ready to pray, when you are ready to clean the dried grass, when you find a vendor willing to sell you hope, please tell us how you feel then. i feel like i've learned a lot frm reading your works, and im sure there is a lot more you want to say before it's your turn for the grave.
when i die, i think i will be happy. my mother told me she's ready to go before she left us. i, at 34, feel that way now. but i know i am also too young to de and that i have to serve the rest of this sentence.
in the meantime, if you do post, i will be sure to comment.
thank you for sharing this work. and i hope to see you again, soon.

[berenongur]

I will offer you the honesty you are looking for.
The most accurate thing I have learned about death, about losing someone you love, is this;
It does not go away, it does not decrease, it does not get better, you do not get used to it. It does not get better over time, you do not react less. You just remember less. But every time you remember, you feel and experience that absence all over again. It is like the first time you learned it, or you feel the heaviest thing you have ever felt when you realize her absence and the presence of death hits you. It does not go away. It will not go away either.
But you will remember less. It will not always come to your mind, you will not always feel like a part of you is missing. But when you do, you will lose it again and again. But this is a good thing. Instead of losing someone once and forgetting, losing them many times reminds you how much you love them and thats the healing part. You know that you have experienced beautiful things together. Because you remember more as the moment increases.
Missing someone means you have been given the chance to love someone. Not everyone gets that chance. You will get better, I promise. You won't hurt the same way every time you remember them, it changes, that pain feel gets better. You will smile after a while.

I shared the following in my memoir for my father;
"We will never be able to talk about the books I read, but the flowers I picked from your grave will always be among my books
We will never be able to listen to songs together again, but there will always be songs that remind me of you when they play
You never turned your car mirror to smile at me in the backseat, but I remember that every time i get in the car and adjust the mirror."

I am grateful for everything we have experienced, and for death as well.
After losing my father, I tried to make everyone around me feel more valuable in their presence. people are losable. life is losable.
Your presence is always valuable, and please value your loved ones.
And you are never alone. None of us are. There is hope for all of us while we are still alive.

thank you for being here, i meant it.

[Gee]

I'm sorry for your loss. Time heals but never fully, it just buries the pain until it is a constant dull ache.
Avery good friend died on my wife's birthday, these are now spent both celebrating and remembering.

[berenongur]

Time is a medicine when used well. Thank you for your good comments and taking the time to read and comment on my poem. I wish your wife patience as well. Good days should always be remembered

[Vol]

Berenongur,
In the crazy swirl of memories, of love, of loss, of the voiceless void of missing faces like all the leaves falling from the tree at once, it is impossible to capture the fullness of it all. Until you put it down on paper, like this, as you have done... The captured word is not tamed, but corralled. I do not know how old you are, or where you live, but your feelings are universal.
Vol
P.S. I found a couple of typos... read it out loud, you'll see what I mean.

[berenongur]

first of all i am so sorry can you help me with those, english is not my native language. i couldn't even read the review cause of PS

[berenongur]

All emotions are universal, in different forms. Sometimes we experience different pains even with the same person. My brother also lost his father, we both lost the same person in the same way, yet we are different people and experienced this pain differently.
This is life.
Thank you for reading. Your comments will always be valuable

[Vol]

Okay,
Last line first stanza...
"After that rain it didn't worth to see the rainbow"read moreOkay,
Last line first stanza...
"After that rain it didn't worth to see the rainbow"
"After that rain I couldn't see the rainbow."

"Even turning on the lights and drawing the curtains was a movement full of bright."
"Lights on with the curtains open revealed nothing"

These are only suggestions that help with the flow.
Your imagery is genius, though! Impressive!
Vol

[berenongur]

thank you so much for your time to help me. i appreciate it. take care! have a nice evening

[Vol]

:-) ..............