wrong kind of happiness

a blind man accused me of seeing, but I tried to make him see.

The sun hasn't entered my room since September 10th

I didn't touch the furnitures so you won't feel like a stranger when you come back home

I lost the smell on your pillow cause of my tears

When you come back, your smell will get on the new sheets, 

so i don't mind the wet now

When we were together, neither of us would eat

I'm sorry, my love, i guess it's not your thing

I can't eat when you're not here too

My mother says it's because of sadness

But we were happy, right?

I finished the book I told you about

the library guy is waiting for me to deliver it

but you are the one who always take me there

then we go to the beach and have coffee and chat

remind me about the book when you come back, the library guy is pissed of

I saw our teacher the other day

she got quiet when I mentioned you

I don't understand why

I think she hates the see people in love 

but she loved us very much before September 10

maybe she's going through a hard time

I didn't know there was a derby tonight

I always knew when you were at home

if your team lost, you would be sad, I would calm you down

it's so strange I've never heard of about the game this time

I guess your team won the match

I can't sleep without you

if you were I would ask you how I sleep

you can solve every problem

haha how dump i am

if you were here i would sleep so well

can you sleep without me, i don't know

i think, you haven't slept too since you left

I woke up, winter seems coming

but we loved love in June

maybe you left because you don't like the winter

because my room doesn't see the sun

but I could warm you up

you wouldn't feel cold at all.

You always say that i am carried away by love and novels

and there is the happiness of someone who will kill herself in me

but

i guess you've never tasted true happiness and loving

i wasn't drowning but waving

Author's Note

If you talk to a blind person about seeing, they will accuse you of being crazy. Seeing in a place where no one else sees is a disease. The same goes for those who don't know love.

"Not Waving but Drowning" is a quote from a poem by Stevie Smith.

Reviews

[Neville]

Self disclosive poetry is amongst my favouwrite genres .. I suspect this one took some doing .. One of my biggest regrets ever is when I waved back at a group of youngsters who seemed to be enjoying themselves on a rock .. I later learnt that they all drowned together .. I don't think about that day so often now .. but am tempted to try and poem those moments to be free of em .. Neville

[berenongur]

first of all, excuse my tiredness, I hope this is a metaphor. I want to comment on your topic but I didn't know how to react, let me know.
the last part of this poem has a little wordplay and another metaphorical meaning for people who know the story in my life... actually if you want I would like to share it with you in the message section, it's not a big deal but it's just something I don't want everyone to understand because my poem is very personalized but I'm curious about your opinion.

[Neville]

If you think it might help you in some way please feel free .. Neville

[Ern M. Yoshimoto]

my heart sank from the very first line and stayed in the pit of my stomach for the entire duration. this was extreme. at the same time dripping with honesty, the personal, the political, the historical. i wish i could write more about how im feeling, but i cant seem to find the words.
in any case, thanks for sharing.

[berenongur]

This is truly one of the best comments I could ever receive. I don't want you to feel the pain. I hope we meet in happier poems in the future and feel them deeply. I'm always here if you want to talk.
thank you so much for your time

[Ern M. Yoshimoto]

oh, but the heavier poems is what i come here for! please, by all means, give me your worst xD. im a bit of a masochist.

[berenongur]

Then you will fall in love with my life story... don't worry, i got you....

[Mk.t.g]

loved this piece so much, WOAHHHHHHH
the sheer vulnerability and everything raw here is giving such a poignant and sad vibe yk, its a very personal feeling to you, but its personal just the same for us.. loved itttt

[berenongur]

aww you are gonna make me cry...You came to me like a cure after receiving a lot of comments saying they didn't feel the poem because I wrote so much personal experience. TAKE CARE! I NEED YOU!!!

[Mk.t.g]

no no no, don't think like this, legit, i get it was criticism and just genuine advice, but if you're using poetry and writings to pour your heart out, i don't really think it should be your number one priority to think 'can the readers relate?' im sorry, i really wouldn't want others to relate to my depressing life lol
u talented writer, GO GO!!! im rooting for u

[berenongur]

I don't know, until I came here I thought I could take criticism and I didn't write poems according to people's tastes until I forced myself not to write poems for 2 months and then a few positive comments and continue
you are so right. go and write poems that will make people happier with your happy life. AND YOU BE HAPPY.

[Mk.t.g]

YASSSSSSS, girl, thats the spirit, ur poems r LEGIT TOP NOTCH,
LET'S BE HAPPY TOGETEHR (please ignore the cringiness this phrase gave, hehe)

[red93]

Really Fabulous exploration of Love and Loss, beautifully realised and expressed. Exceptional ✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️

[berenongur]

ahhh thank you so much. I haven't been here for a long time and suddenly seeing your comment made my day... hope you are doing well

[red93]

Many Thanks for yr Good Wishes ✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️

[jacob erin-cilberto]

sometimes this one feels a bit too personal in delivery...and might not be universal enough...others may say..."I feel bad for your situation" The other one of yours I read I found quite relatable...you left it just
ambiguous enough.
One thing here which I think could be its own poem....and quite universal is the last stanza. Love that.
j.

[berenongur]

I know. I mostly do storytelling and more personal. I'll work on it. Thank you so much for your time

[Tumi]

"Beautifully heartbreaking. This poignant letter/poem captures the longing and ache of separation, weaving everyday moments with raw emotion. A tender, intimate, and deeply relatable expression of enduring love,
very good.

[berenongur]

Ah thank you so much sir

[Tumi]

you are welcome

[JayG]

This is an essay, broken into one sentence per line. Does that magically convert it to a poem, if you use none of the techniques of poetry? There's a LOT to poetry. They've been making mistakes and finding solutions to improve it for centuries. So if your goals is to write poetry, it makes a lot of sense to learn from those mistakes.

But over and above that, this is you talking to someone the reader knows nothing about, reacting to a situation that's unknown to the reader. But, to be meaningful, the reader must have context as-they-read.Withot it, it's a line of, meaning unknown because as read the reader possesses no context.

For example, you open with "The sun hasn't entered my room since September 10th" What can that mean to the reader who just arrived? The blinds have been closed? It's been raining? Someone put up a structure next door? You know. But the reader is lost, and you cannot retroactively remove confusion.

As constructed, this is you talking to someone unknown, in declarative sentences. But what's in it for the reader? The speaker is unknown so far as location, gender, age, and situation. Even the purpose of telling the person being addressed is unknown. So how can the reader empathize?

That matters because readers come to fiction and poetry to be entertained. They expect to be made to feel and care. As E. L.Doctorow so wisely put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

To do that we must involve the reader, or at least impress that reader with the beauty of presentation. But that cannot be done with the nonfiction, report-writing skills we were given in school, as they prepared us for the needs of employment. It takes the skills of the poet, which are emotion-based, as against the fact-based approach we learn in school. So, as I said before, it makes a lot of sense to learn the skills that the pros take for granted, Knowledge can be a great working substitute for genius.😆

For you, who have both context and intent guiding your understanding, it works, perfectly.

Try a few chapters of Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook. I think you'll find it a fun, and, informative read.
https://www.docdroid.net/7iE8fIJ/a-poetry-handbook-pdfdrivecom-pdf

Sorry for the bad news, but since we'll not address the problem we don't see as being one, I thought you might want to know. And since it's a matter of missing information, not talent, hang in there and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

-------------
“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

[berenongur]

Thank you for your detailed review, this is a more constructive criticism. I will take it into consideration. Thank you for your time sir. Have a good weekend

[Everett Dulin]

We stopped talking all together on the 11th. I'm still not adjusted. But the air feels lighter in autumn, without their presence you might be lost. Enjoy the walk home.

[berenongur]

Hey, we will be fine, it's okay. Keep breathing. You got this. You deserve better

[Soren]

Most touching and sad it carries a sense of melancholy a feeling of loss and since September 10 was mentioned I felt that the person had been in the trade towers and not returned. A powerful write that reaches to the depths of the soul

[berenongur]

Grieving, loss and other stuffs... just when you lost someone you put in a special place, you can't replace them. It takes time. It's been almost 2 weeks, I'm working on it. Thank you so much for your time.

[Marie]

It takes a very long time to adjust to love walking out the front door and you have captured all of the reasons why, in this well inked write, Beren. The 'missing you' factor is difficult to deal with but there are so many other factors involved also. I love how you speak to him as though he could hear you, as though he was there in the room with you. I think you still feel his presence in your life, it takes time also to modify that. A great out-pouring of emotion and feelings in this poem are so well expressed. It is a very sad, heart-breaking read, but you have done justice to and acknowledged your feelings so finely. Huge respect, dear poetess. All those who do not want to hear what we are saying to them, are deaf to our words. A privilege to read, thank you for sharing.

[berenongur]

The way I speak represents, I wish he could back. But at the last i accept he won't. It's okay. Life moves on. Because sometimes you just have to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve, and everyone deserves love. But you can't force it.
You are so right about your last words. Some people will always be deaf to our words.
And hope you always know how much important you are and your words for a stranger in internet.
Thank you for your time.

[Marie]

Acceptance is a wonderful gift to oneself, Beren. Once you accept, you are ready to let the past go, that doesn't mean you will forget, because you will always remember, but you will free yourself from the grip that love had on you at that time.
Yes, people are selectively deaf and only hear what they want to hear.
You are always most welcome, Beren.
Thank you for your kind words.
Angel Blessings your way for a very lovely evening, Beren...