win is a win

your closest one can become your worst enemy, an enemy with whom you experience everything and who is as close as your breath.

I didn't mean to love and lose

Now you are just a pair of shoes

in my home

Close the curtains and leave the burdens

Now you are in one of your versions

in my loam

Where were you when i was crying under a wreck

They all told me from my back that you were the one who broke my neck to death

Now i see you everywhere because you are sitting right there to see me

if i ever lose my breath

I'm regret everytime for the times i let you climb to my mind

I'm trying to feel fine but you keep bringing me the wine

I don't wanna feel the wind, anymore

Still waiting for your message

So i could send you all the passage i wrote

for last one year

now im thinking start to smoke

then maybe i should have to woke for my beer with my tear

Feeling bad enough to write again

thank god im not your wife, amen

I can't even stop my brain when the words are coming with a train

which is blue

i knew

that you were just a stupid lover

you used these words just to cover for the run, run too far

i meant the colors ive been talking but you were deaf

and you will never laugh in green neon bar again

you will never dance in new years eve with one of my songs and

if i'll ever have a son, i know how not to raise now

i guess win is a win

19 March 2024

Author's Note

English is not my native language so please inform me of any mistakes and, i would like to hear about your ideas about my writing. have a lovely day

Reviews

[m_soulverses]

I can really feel the emotions in this poem, and I love how personal and unfiltered it is. There are some really strong lines, especially the ending. One thing that could make it even more powerful is tightening the structure a bit, so the rhythm flows more smoothly. Some lines feel a little rushed or could be clearer with more focused wording. But overall, I really admire how honest and expressive this piece is! Well done, especially because English is not your first language!

[Beren]

Wow, thank you so much. I really needed that. I wrote this a year ago and it written so painfully and I believe after that I really changed my writing skills but it’s still one of my favorites and Normally the ending was different, but I couldn’t publish it online so I change it and I wrote the ending before I publish here in five minutes. Just because you made a comment on that part, I wanna give you something special about this writing, The person I wrote this, he was colorblind and I said“I meant the colors I’ve been talking, but you were deaf”
Even though I think I changed myself for better on writing, I still write so personal and most of the people online can’t understand. Which is fine.
Thank you for your time!

[m_soulverses]

That’s really interesting to know, and I love the personal meaning behind that line - it adds so much depth! It’s always special when a poem carries something so personal that not everyone might catch at first. And honestly, even if your writing has evolved, there’s something powerful about raw, emotional pieces like this. I’m really glad I got to read it, and I appreciate you sharing more about it with me! I really like that line you wrote first, it's very beautifully written🤍

[Sami Khalil]

Highly effective and powerful.
I'm glad you are winning and feeling it.
Losing can be bitter and traumatic.
You express strongly.

[Beren]

Ah thank you so much sir! Wow! You review my poems, of course I’m winning!

[Sami Khalil]

Hehehe. You are wlcome.

[Neville]

having read through this several times now, I don't think it matters at all that english is not your first language .. I think you use it to very good effect & although this particular poem leaves me feeling a little sad because of the many universal relationship truths you have identified and pointed out (almost as if highlighting them with a fluorescent marker pen) .. you have done so with considerable tact and poetic skill .. Once again, with much respect & kind regards, your friend, ME :)

[Beren]

I smile every time I read your comment and you started with "having read through this several times now" i mean who i am?? this is so special! and MY FRIEND?!?!?! i am at the peak right now, i am ready to quit writing rn, i won everything that's enough for me!
thank you so much for taking time read and comment sir!!! grateful

[Neville]

You are more than welcome my friend .. Much more

[A.H.]

it's raw, personal and emotionally charged write. you have put all your heart and mind into this write, it shows. keep that true voice alive always, needs to be expressed always, like you did here. and yes very true, your closest one can become your worst enemy. and when or if that happens, it's emotionally draining and painful to deal with it as we are not prepared for that outcome but with time yes, we will deal with it. when you look back after sometime, hopefully all this will be in rear view mirror and you speeding along all bright on a sunny sunshine day :)
Thanks for sharing, Beren. keep writing!

[Beren]

Thank you so much, it's been a year since I wrote this but it's still one of my favorites. The weird thing about writing is that when I read it again after writing it, I wanted to stop writing because I was constantly opening up a wound that could have healed. So I couldn't write for a while and just wanted to stay in the healing process. But I guess some wounds don't heal easily, and when I have the chance to forgive, being able to read this again and say "you've been through this" is a different defense.

[A.H.]

yeah so true, what you say here. understand this totally. writing sometimes could be a double edged sword. it can heal as well as hurt, so you choose when to write and when not. and I hope and send warm wishes your way, more power to you and peace. take care, friend.

[red93]

I like this a lot B and it is incredible Writing considering English is not yr first language. Really Excellent ✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️

[Beren]

ah thank you so much sir! this is one my favourites, so This is one of my favorite poems so I wanted to put it at the top of my profile. Thank you for visiting.

[Betty Hermelee]

This is someone who is harping anger inside, for something that a lover did or said to him; it is also sad and frustrating, waiting to see what happens to the relationship.....perhaps it will retain or perhaps it is over...that is left for the reader to decide....nice work...keep writing!!!
Warmly,B

[Beren]

ah thank you so much!!! your words means a lot! thank you again for your time! take care!

[Betty Hermelee]

You are very welcome 🌷
Warmly B

[JayG]

The problems that I see are unrelated to how well you write, your language, or talent. Of more importance, they are fixable.

The real problem is one you share with the vast majority of hopeful writers. You left your school years believing at the skill you learned, called writing, is universal to all applications. But it’s not, and that belief lead you into the most common trap in writing: Trying to use those nonfiction skills when writing poetry and fiction.

They've been developing and refining the skills of poetry for centuries. They've also been finding ways to keep from screwing up a perfectly good poem. So, by digging into the techniques of poetry you'll find yourself standing on the backs of giants.

• The first problem is that because our school-day writing skills are intended to make us useful to employers, who need us to write reports, letters, and other nonfiction applications, we're taught only nonfiction writing. Its goal is informing the reader. So, using that approach, you, the narrator, talk to the reader about what matters to you.

But readers seek entertainment, which is an emotional goal. So the approach to writing poetry is emotion, not fact-based, which is a very different approach, and so, must be acquired in addition to our existing writing skills.

• You begin this piece with what appears to be a metrical poetry format. But, you're forcing the line to the needs of the rhyme, which we must never do. The rhyme should express that thought so perfectly that the fact of it rhyming seems almost incidental. It should be the tink of a finger cymbal, not the thud of a drum.

There is a lot to both metrical and non-metrical poetry that's not obvious, but which we must acquire because it makes the job easier, and the reading more fun.

I suggest that you first, go to Amazon, and read the excerpt from, Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled. It’s a brilliant introduction to what makes metrical poetry what it is.

Next, for an excellent introduction to non-metrical poetry, try Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook. It's filled with unexpected gems of information.
https://dokumen.pub/a-poetry-handbook-0156724006.html

So… I know you hopes for something more pleasing than this when you requested a comment. But, since we'll never address the problem that we don’t see as being a problem, I thought you might want to know.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

[Tumi]

a very poignant piece, easy flows as well, very good indeed

[Beren]

thank you so much, your reviews are so important for me, have a great sunday

[Diamond _writes]

This is beautiful. It would have been more better if some lines were painted on a canvass of romance

[Beren]

thank you for your comment. i will try my best, and i hope you will like my other writings too. have an amazing day

[Marie]

An emotive poem, well expressed and finely penned. Thank you for sharing...

[Beren]

Thank you so much, it really means a lot. Love your work

[Marie]

Gratitude with beautiful blessings your way, dear poetess...