win is a win

your closest one can become your worst enemy, an enemy with whom you experience everything and who is as close as your breath.

I didn't mean to love and lose

Now you are just a pair of shoes

in my home

Close the curtains and leave the burdens

Now you are in one of your versions

in my loam

Where were you when i was crying under a wreck

They all told me from my back that you were the one who broke my neck to death

Now i see you everywhere because you are sitting right there to see me

if i ever lose my breath

I'm regret everytime for the times i let you climb to my mind

I'm trying to feel fine but you keep bringing me the wine

I don't wanna feel the wind, anymore

Still waiting for your message

So i could send you all the passage i wrote

for last one year

now im thinking start to smoke

then maybe i should have to woke for my beer with my tear

Feeling bad enough to write again

thank god im not your wife, amen

I can't even stop my brain when the words are coming with a train

which is blue

i knew

that you were just a stupid lover

you used these words just to cover for the run, run too far

i meant the colors ive been talking but you were deaf

and you will never laugh in green neon bar again

you will never dance in new years eve with one of my songs and

if i'll ever have a son, i know how not to raise now

i guess win is a win

Author's Note

English is not my native language so please inform me of any mistakes and, i would like to hear about your ideas about my writing. have a lovely day

Reviews

[Betty Hermelee]

This is someone who is harping anger inside, for something that a lover did or said to him; it is also sad and frustrating, waiting to see what happens to the relationship.....perhaps it will retain or perhaps it is over...that is left for the reader to decide....nice work...keep writing!!!
Warmly,B

[berenongur]

ah thank you so much!!! your words means a lot! thank you again for your time! take care!

[Betty Hermelee]

You are very welcome 🌷
Warmly B

[JayG]

The problems that I see are unrelated to how well you write, your language, or talent. Of more importance, they are fixable.

The real problem is one you share with the vast majority of hopeful writers. You left your school years believing at the skill you learned, called writing, is universal to all applications. But it’s not, and that belief lead you into the most common trap in writing: Trying to use those nonfiction skills when writing poetry and fiction.

They've been developing and refining the skills of poetry for centuries. They've also been finding ways to keep from screwing up a perfectly good poem. So, by digging into the techniques of poetry you'll find yourself standing on the backs of giants.

• The first problem is that because our school-day writing skills are intended to make us useful to employers, who need us to write reports, letters, and other nonfiction applications, we're taught only nonfiction writing. Its goal is informing the reader. So, using that approach, you, the narrator, talk to the reader about what matters to you.

But readers seek entertainment, which is an emotional goal. So the approach to writing poetry is emotion, not fact-based, which is a very different approach, and so, must be acquired in addition to our existing writing skills.

• You begin this piece with what appears to be a metrical poetry format. But, you're forcing the line to the needs of the rhyme, which we must never do. The rhyme should express that thought so perfectly that the fact of it rhyming seems almost incidental. It should be the tink of a finger cymbal, not the thud of a drum.

There is a lot to both metrical and non-metrical poetry that's not obvious, but which we must acquire because it makes the job easier, and the reading more fun.

I suggest that you first, go to Amazon, and read the excerpt from, Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled. It’s a brilliant introduction to what makes metrical poetry what it is.

Next, for an excellent introduction to non-metrical poetry, try Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook. It's filled with unexpected gems of information.
https://dokumen.pub/a-poetry-handbook-0156724006.html

So… I know you hopes for something more pleasing than this when you requested a comment. But, since we'll never address the problem that we don’t see as being a problem, I thought you might want to know.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

[Tumi]

a very poignant piece, easy flows as well, very good indeed

[berenongur]

thank you so much, your reviews are so important for me, have a great sunday

[Diamond _writes]

This is beautiful. It would have been more better if some lines were painted on a canvass of romance

[berenongur]

thank you for your comment. i will try my best, and i hope you will like my other writings too. have an amazing day

[Marie]

An emotive poem, well expressed and finely penned. Thank you for sharing...

[berenongur]

Thank you so much, it really means a lot. Love your work

[Marie]

Gratitude with beautiful blessings your way, dear poetess...

[Victoria_mockingbird]

This is so expressive! So many emotions put in beautiful words! Here's my advice: use a free online grammar checker whenever in doubt. But so far, your English is actually pretty good!

[berenongur]

thank you so much for reading and paying attention.