sunken cities in my brain

They told me to write my ideas and burn them

The voices of noble women should not be heard

They should laugh inside and speak with their eyes

And if someone sees what is in my heart,

 how can I say to God 

"But you made all of these"

I tried every kind of scream to suppress my voice

I have pains, in the books of writers that no one knows

Do you hear the vocalist shouting in the background in the songs that no one listens to

That is my vocal

I tried to sit people down and talk

I served dinners to my family and made speeches by tapping on the glass

I didn't expect to be understood, I wanted to be listened 

I lost my father, she lost her son

I missed that school by 5 points, he lost it by 1

We had all lost, but our pain was racing

I wonder how long it took to build all the roads in the world

To connect them and ensure that vehicles can be driven safely

Because, there are unknown accidents on the roads in my brain

Sea overflowing to roads

I'm sure there are a few carcasses

There are many sunken cities and

 I've already lost track of them when they turned into moss

But I've decided to drain the water

Some engineers are needed

Let the sunken cities stay sunken

But there are families who need to be at home

There are roads to be made and bridges to be built

Is a full youth and a quarter of an adult enough to rebuild my inner earth?

Author's Note

English is not my first language so if you fix my grammar problems i would appreciate it, i would like to hear every kind of thought about this writing <3

Reviews

[Neville]

I trawled back here to see where you are coming from .. & I was highly delighted .. and just for the record, while English may not be your mother tongue, you surely use it here like a native to these shores .. and as such, I applaud you & with much respect take my hat off to you too .. Kindest of Regards, Neville

[Beren]

I can't believe it! Your stopping by here to see my progress is the greatest compliment I could receive. I am so honored, I can't even describe this happiness with my native language. "Your" comments are definitely very important to me. I feel honored to have caught your attention, and be able to hear these... thank you

stay with love, Beren

[Neville]

you are much more than merely most welcome .. my pleasure entirely .. Neville

[Richard🖌]

Hi, Beren 🌾

On my first visit to your portfolio, I wanted to start at the beginning; then, with your newest post, in order to determine what influence the Café might have had on your technique and progress.

Well, M'Dear, English may not be your first language, but judging by this piece, your diction in it is fluently superior to the majority of those to whom it is. The only glaring grammatical issue I perceive, or constructive critique I might offer and edit you should make, is to add the word "to" on the end of V3-L3, "I wanted to be listened to". Or, you might consider, "I only wanted to be heard".

Truly impressive are your uses of deep metaphor, emotional imagery, smoothly flowing syntax, spot-on line breaks, and poetic voice … all of which are the heartbeat of masterful Poetic Prose.

And, as far as "Is a full youth and a quarter of an adult enough to rebuild my inner earth?" I think the very content and essence of all you've expressed leading up to it, most definitely answers that question in the affirmative. For a personal, biologically factual piece, I'd say you've done an exemplary job of clearly and concisely conveying the reality of your situation in a most eloquently powerful way … KUDOS, POETESS!

Brilliant, entertaining, admirable, and evnesious writing, Dear Poetess Beren.
Thank you for the privilege and pleasure of sharing! ⁓ Richard🖌

[Beren]

Ah thank you do much! This is such a nice review, I felt incredibly lucky, being able to hear all of these from you. You definitely made my day🌸 I don't even know what to say, thank you so much for taking time to read and understanding and helping me for my mistakes. This means a lot. 🫶 have the best week sir.

[Richard&#128396;]

Fully enjoyed … I'll be back for more.😊

[andrew mitchell]

A most enjoyable read. Always like a narrative write like this one where you are drawn in and ride out the thoughts presented.

[Beren]

This was the first poem I published when I first came here. I'm glad you liked it. Thanks

[andrew mitchell]

The third stanza had me thinking of Downtown abbey type setting. I’ve read your write a few times now and the lines don’t disappoint.

[redd Brick Keshner]

The idea of racing pain flowing into the building of roads and vehicular accidents is a superb touch. Moves the story along with a building sense of movement toward a climax. The question in the final line caps it off quite effectively. 🙏🏻🕊

[Beren]

Thank you so much for visiting and taking time to read and comment! Glad you liked this one.

[redd Brick Keshner]

Oh , I think it has made my Fave list. 🙏🏻🕊

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

Amazing write again
I particularly love this one ☝️

[Beren]

AHHH THANK YOU!!! you made my day!

[Vol]

Beren,
Everything about this poem is not just understandable, but very well said, which proves your usage needs no improvement.
Stanza 4, line two, I think might just be a typographical error... "I missed there by 5 points", I'm not sure what 'there" refers to.
I'd also like to say, you have a very well developed, and impressive poetic sensibility.
Vol

[Beren]

thank you sir.

this was the poem I wrote when I first started publishing my poems (no one in my life knew I wrote poems for 7 years) to explain why I wrote them. this is my first poem here, I wrote it in half an hour before sharing it.

I was talking about it more like an exam score there. The passing threshold for the course is 50, but whether I get 10 points or 49 points, I have failed the course. So, it doesn't matter what happens after that. But pain competes; while one who fails with 49 points may say "I wish I had studied more", the other may say "I wish I hadn't studied". That's what I wanted to say.

thank you for your kind words.

[Vol]

Thank you, I understand... Is there no provision for people to retake the exam?

[Beren]

100 days left :)

[Vol]

Good luck, I hope it goes just right for you with a super duper high score...

[Einstein Noodle]

i felt this deeply ... frankly, i wouldn't begin to touch correcting the English ... it is an evasive language to say the least ... when i read ... what i read ... is the warmth of a family that in total has had it's share of pain and loss ... your heroine strikes out to heal .. build new roads and bridges ... i can't help but think this is personal ... the loss and hope are so strong in it
E.

[Beren]

The strength of loss and hope inside sank a city inside me. I wrote this when I first came here to explain why I started writing. My city sank even deeper.
thank you sir, you are always welcome here

[Ken Simm.]

This is so full of atmosphere and delicate strokes consuming the reader without them knowing. It is quite simply superb.

[Beren]

Ah thank you, this is the first poem I wrote here, so thank you for thinking that way for this one.

[emmajoygreen]

Your words are delicately but vocally called out, needing escape, wanting to leave a place that holds everything you feel deep inside because although fidgeting, is fixed, glued, nailed, part of everything hurting you desperately, wretchedly! Seems you are fretting about almost everything around and especially beyond you. You need peace from somewhere, you need to be held until the trembling stops.

'Do you hear the vocalist shouting in the background in the songs that no one listens to
That is my vocal, --
I tried to sit people down and talk
I served dinners to my family and made speeches by tapping on the glass
I didn't want to be understood, I wanted to be listened '

Such a tragic piece of writing, such a sob of agonies.. but, start to finish vividly real.

[Beren]

Ah that's really sweet. Thank you so much for your time and for your attention. I'm wishing you the best day

[emmajoygreen]

Looking at grammar: 'I wanted to be listened ' might be, 'I wanted to be heard, ''Will read over to see if anything else, you have done extremely well, berenongur!

[Beren]

Thank you so much, I really appreciate it!!!

[Victoria_mockingbird]

Why did I feel a tear on my cheek while reading this?:) beautiful, really.

[Beren]

this is so meaningful, really