Smoking

Stillness and boredom

make me apprehensive.

The nicotine creates

a familiar chaos,

momentarily numbing my mind,

weaving a spider web layer filter

through which my elevated and speeded

up thought fragments sieve through.

Marching like ambushing troops

They enter my body and lay carnage to the stillness there.

Till I am abuzz , lit and sizzling

like the burning tip slowly

making its way to the fingers

attached to a right hand,

whose habitual character is to travel

diagonally towards aguishly awaiting lips

then drops down

towards whatever is socially acceptable

for my hated and beloved  nicotine stick pet

to lay his droppings.

There,

It’s done!

I have systematically created

something bad inside me.

Statistically speaking

there is a less likely chance that someone

or something else will

create such uneasiness in me today.

 

Reviews

[.....]

These three lines are too wordy and awkward. I suggest this edit. As you can see this is much cleaner and crisper imagery. It's not bogged down in unnecessary words.

weaving a spider-webbed layer
through which filters my hyper-active
thought fragments like a sieve.

I would also cut everything after 'to lay his droppings'. It's unnecessary and adds nothing to the poem. I like the imagery you have here and I think with a little editing of the structure (i.e. line breaks and stanzas breaks) you could have a really strong poem here. There's some good metaphor which needs to be clearer and stronger by taking out the metaphor as I have illustrated above. If you take my suggestions I think you will find that it improves the feel and intent of the poem.

I encourage you to keep writing to read and comment.

Blessings, Tammy

[Emrick]

Nicely written.

[Shy Girl]

Almost felt like I took a phantom puff there for a moment...that was written very well. I could systematically go through each "step" of the "burning tube of tar" (just my way of calling them) inside my head when I shut my eyes to let your line sink in. I enjoyed it very much... so not a fan of the smoke though...not one bit. Oh and I LOVE THE NAME YOU HAVE!!!! Eternal is a long time...just sayin :)

[xeroxcandybar]

thanks everyone for the words, I’m not really one for editing but hey apparently to write is to struggle

[Jvl narasimharao]

This is an introspective poem with beautiful imagery

[Chris]

Habits are thoughtless things... some draw comfort from the sameness, some calm... some just turn off the mind and can forget having to actually think of what is around them.

As for the poem - its how your mind is expressing itself. The timing and rhythm fit the shake and jumps, jerks, spurts of self awareness. You make things complex because it suits you - not makes you stronger or more of a capable person and that is what we as people do...suit ourselves to a degree WHILE we interact with others as effectively as we can.

"I have systematically creating" - is a truism example of english as a secondary language. It is a flaw that is correctable - of course, but does specifically draw attention that you are from a different culture and place than most know.

What you had to say was interesting to me as it speaks of a cultural difference and a way you deal with it.

[victoria]

oh I actually enjoy a smoke, despite disliking that thought that I am forced to face I am an addict. I wonder if the word creating should read 'created'.

[mvrzee]

I can actually picture the whole scene. Well-written. :) If you really are smoking, I hope you would stop soon, or at least lessen the times you smoke. It's for your own good too. Take care of yourself.

[xeroxcandybar]

i dont believe in any bad habits don't misunderstand me, I just know why I smoke.