Gothic Smile

to the girl I couldn't have

I saw you in a dream,
laying on a beach.
From the corner of my eye
I caught the color of your smile.
With eyes that captivate,
I'd get lost in them for days.
and I'd give anything
for just a taste of you.

Im wanting you to know
the feelings I couldnt show,
the words I never said
in conversations on your bed.
The aroma of your incense,
your lips of crimson red.
I wanted so much to taste,
you have such a pretty face.

Its so hard to be your friend
and it's hard to keep pretending
that i'm not in love with you.
And i'm wanting you again,
but you say were only friends.
Remind me if I forget.

Sleep all day and up all night.
Seeing your face through candle light.
The hours spent up in your room,
the lingering scent of your perfume.
Watching you get dressed in black
still sends shivers down my back.
seeing you naked kept me in a trance,
I only wanted.. to touch you
to hold you.. to taste your skin.

You're so pretty

smiling at me

Reviews

[Ashes]

I'm pulled in two directions with this. I love it on the one side, and on the other I still like it, but I think there could be a few small corrections that would make some areas less cringe worth. I love it because the little bit of metaphor it uses is wonderful and the imagery at the beginning and some of the middle is really nice and pulls me in.

However in quite a few of the places it smacks the reader upside the head with how literal it is and how it leaves no wiggle room for the readers imagination. I mean that can be good for short poems, but for longer ones it makes for a very iffy read.

Overall I like it, because while it has some major flaws, they're flaws that can be worked out, and the basic premise while overdone was done competently here.

[deeps]

Aw this is just so wonderful and ever so beuatiful. I lke this alot. Such a lovely write here. It's touching!