Homestuck Act 1 Script

Hope you brought your popcorn! Kick back, relax, and enjoy the Homestuck Film Team's rendition of "Homestuck Act 1: The Note Desolation Plays"!

Homestuck

By John M. Roy

{Music: Skaia (Incipisphere Mix)}

A star field fades in.

The Sburb logo, a house separated into squares, appears, glowing green

HOMESTUCK

The Zodiac constellations glow in a rainbow of color, Cancer glowing grey. Each constellation has its respective zodiac sign next to it.

BASED ON THE WEBCOMIC PHENOMENON BY ANDREW HUSSIE

Approach the center of the zodiac circle, passing through the outer solar system, as the other VA's appear alongside each planet from Pluto to the Asteroid Belt. Next to Mars, the Act's official title appears:

ACT ONE: THE NOTE DESOLATION PLAYS

Close in to Earth. Approach Jade's Island with its Frog Temple in the Pacific, southwest of Baker Island. The Space symbol, resembling a white spiral galaxy, appears with Jade's VA

Next is Dave's apartment in Houston Texas. The Time symbol, a red gear with ten spokes and Dave's VA appear.

Heading north to Rainbow Falls, New York, it's Rose's home. The yellow sun symbol for Light and Rose's VA appear and fade.

Cross the country to John's house in Washington. The symbol for Breath, a pair of light blue lines appears with John's VA then both dissolve in a gust of wind.

One of the windows of the house is open. It is an adolescent boy's bedroom window; several movie posters adorn the walls, a brightly-colored and decorated chest sits in the corner, and a powered-off desktop computer rests on a desk. The owner of the room, JOHN EGBERT, sleeps soundly in his bed. John is a boy with unruly black hair and a noticeable overbite. Heavy glasses sit on his nightstand. On the opposite side of the room, a middle-aged man wearing a fedora opens the door and checks on John; this is his DAD.

DAD: John, I'm off to the store for a few minutes.

The boy mumbles in his sleep and rolls over.

DAD: Happy birthday, son.

Dad puts a rolled up poster on the table next to the door and another present in the chest, then exits the room. John starts to wake up. As he goes about his morning routine, leaving the room briefly and returning with hair shaped into its signature style, the NARRATOR gives a voice-over, explaining about the boy.

NARRATOR: This is JOHN EGBERT - no, not ZOOSMELL POOPLORD - and today, April fourteenth, is his birthday. His interests include REALLY TERRIBLE MOVIES, the paranormal, stage magic, and programming, though he's not very good at that last one. He also enjoys games.

JOHN: Heheh, happy birthday to me!

He heads back to the bedside table, evading a hammer and some nails as he moves on. He picks up the poster, unrolling it just a bit.

JOHN: Con Air! Sweet!

Before he can finish saying "sweet" a trio of cards is knocked from the nightstand and scatters about. One card makes contact with the poster which is sucked into it. The other two land on the hammer and nails and absorb them as well.

JOHN: Ah man! My Sylladex!

He picks up the stack and glares at the magenta-edged cards.

JOHN: (sighs) Stupid Stack Modus....

John puts on a metal bracelet with an LED attached that promptly glows magenta. He then places the cards in a a small pouch which is clipped to his belt, which are polka-dotted with the Ghostbusters logo.

JOHN: (taps the bracelet) Combine hammer, nail, and poster cards.

N: This Stack Modus was given to John last year. It's design prevents most direct interaction with any of the contents below the top card. The modus is interacted with using the bracelet, which projects the cards holographically. The cards themselves are stored in the clip.

In response to John's command, the three named cards appear in front of him via a projected image. The image itself shows three cards floating in front of him, with the leftmost card pulsing lightly. The trio of items fuse into the pulsing card, leaving the second two empty. John presses the bracelet again, which emits a laser pointer that strikes an empty spot on his wall)

JOHN Use on wall.

The poster then appears on the wall with nails at each corner, leaving just the hammer in its card. John then looks up as he hears a noise, the mail truck arriving. Tapping the bracelet again to turn off the projection, he picks up a note attached to the screen of his computer and reads it aloud:

JOHN: “Dear John Egbert: Congratulations! You and three others have been selected to test play a new game known as SBURB! You should be receiving two discs containing the game in the mail very soon. We look forward to hearing back from you soon.

Yours sincerely, The Skaianet Company.

JOHN: Putting the letter in his pocket, John goes out to pick up the mail knowing that his dad is off.

JOHN: It’s a good opportunity to avoid him for a while.

John heads downstairs and sees two presents, one large, one small and slender. Before heading to them, he pauses to nod respectfully at an urn on the mantle.

JOHN: I miss you Nanna... (frowns sadly) Wish you were here.

N: John's Grandmother died when John was born, and her body cremated. The death was very strange, involving a bookshelf, a ladder, and an Unabridged copy of of Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery.

Opening the smaller present, he finds a strap designed to hold something long and thin on his back.

JOHN: I wonder what this thing is for?

Putting the strap on, he opens the larger gift, which is a giant armless harlequin doll.

JOHN: (grimaces in disgust) Ugh, Dad! You know I don't like these things!

N: John's Dad has a fascination with harlequins, something John finds annoying and embarrassing, especially after the man was issued a restraining order from the cast of Cirque du Soleil.

As if on cue, Dad pulls into the driveway.

JOHN: Crap!

John slips back upstairs quickly as Dad walks through to the kitchen, pausing to sit the doll up on the couch. John goes outside to get the mail. However to his surprise, Dad has already done so. 

JOHN: (frowns) Damn it. Dad picked it up! Now how am I supposed to play?

John face-palms as he looks through the kitchen window, to see the other envelope and a red package. Dashing back upstairs, John grabs a few smoke pellets, a bottle of glue, and a fake arm from the chest, not noticing the present. Going back downstairs, he glues the arm to the harlequin doll, talking to himself while doing so.

JOHN: Wonder what Dave sent? (Briefly, John nods in respect to the urn on the mantle containing his Nanna's ashes.)

He sits on the small bench in front of his dads piano for a few minutes, thinking about what to do with his back to the piano.

JOHN: Well,I could always just run in and right back out...No,he would see me right away. 

Maybe I could sneak outside and grab it through the window? No,I can't reach it from there...

After speaking aloud,he  turns and realizes he is sitting in front of the piano. He contemplates the possible options for a moment before deciding on one.

JOHN: Okay,I'll play the piano to distract him! It's perfect!

John plays "Showtime [Piano Refrain]" as Dad bakes in the kitchen.

About halfway through the song,John begins to hear his Dad humming along,bringing a smile to Johns face.

After playing he lobs the pellets into the kitchen, and almost instantly, the smoke alarm begins beeping. Quickly, John grabs the package and disc. Rushing upstairs, he goes into the bathroom and opens the box with a razor. He then removes the Con Air bunny, practically squeeing, and reads the note.

DAVE: voice over “So hey,

Since it’s your B-day I had to get you back for the sick memorabilia you got me so I got you this god-awful thing and now I just know you’re standing there flipping your s**t over it so you’re welcome.

It’s the actual gross bunny in the movie so that means nick cage actually grubbed it up with his clownish no talent fingers. I would suggest you put it somewhere and display it ironically but I know you’re dead serious about this ridiculous s**t so you’ll probably sleep with the damn thing and nibble its ear and stuff.

But the weird thing is that’s what’s cool about you. You’re this naive guy like Pinocchio tumbled a*s backwards off the turnip truck and started liking Ghostbusters. Then the fairy godmother kissed your nose or some s**t and you turned out to be not made of wood and also pretty cool to talk to. one day your gooberish ways are gonna land you in a jam and I know I’m going to have to get you off the hook but it’s cool I got your back bro.

Then we'll meet and hug bump and get each other’s filthy wife beaters that much filthier so yeah

Peace dawg

TG”

The bunny falls to the ground and he quickly picks it up as it fades into reality once again. A noise then comes from his computer, signaling someone pestering him. He pops in the disc and opens Pesterchum. A spirogragh appears on the screen before being covered up by the Pesterchum window and ROSE LALONDE's face.

ROSE: I understand you as well as three others, including myself, have recently come into possession of the beta release of "The Game of the Year", as featured in respectable periodicals such as... (scowls) GameBro Magazine.

JOHN: Whoever told you that is a liar, Rose. A liar you should stop hitting on.

ROSE: (shrugs and smiles faintly) What can I say. I have a weakness for insufferable pricks such as Mister Strider.

Transition to an albino-looking boy in jeans and a T-shirt emblazoned with a vinyl record lying in his bed asleep.

N: This is DAVE STRIDER, a really cool dude, and one of John's best friends.

His closed eyes suddenly open, revealing vibrant red irises.

DAVE: My pimp senses are tingling.

Back to JOHN and ROSE:

JOHN: Not yet; Dad picked up the game with the mail, and it’s my birthday so he might have some "surprise" waiting for me. Especially since I threw smoke pellets into the kitchen.

ROSE: That seems to be a trustful thought considering that your dad pranks you a lot in sign of paternal love.

JOHN: True… anyway, I'm installing the game now.

ROSE: Finally, let me connect me with you… hold on a second.

The computer screen flashes the words "Sburb Server connection established.”

An installation screen appeared on the screen: A Spirograph moving through several different patterns on an almost psychedelic color-changing background. It is promptly obscured by Pesterchum's window popping up with a message.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:13 --

John smiles and clicks accept. On the screen appears the young man from before, who now is wearing a cool pair of aviator sunglasses. In the background of his room, a window is suspiciously duct-taped.

DAVE: (waves) Hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today?

JOHN: (grins) I got a Little Monsters poster, it's so awesome! (John turns his webcam to look at the poster for a moment, then back to himself) I'm going to watch it again today, the apple juice scene was so funny. 

DAVE: Oh hell that is such a coincidence! I just found an unopened container of apple juice in my closet. It's like f*****g Christmas up in here! (fist pumps)

JOHN: Okay, thats fine, but (smirks) I just have one question, and then a word of caution. Have you ever seen a movie called little monsters starring Howie Mandel and Fred Savage? 

DAVE: But... the seal on the bottle is unbroken! Are you suggesting someone put piss in my apple juice at the factory?! 

JOHNplayful smile) Maybe... All I'm saying is don't you think monster Howie Mandel has the power to do something as simple as reseal a bottle? (grins and chuckles) Try using your brain numbnuts. 

DAVE: (puzzled expression) Why DID the fat kid or whoever drank it know what piss tasted like? I mean his reaction was nigh instantaneous.

JOHN: (matter-of-factly) It was the 15th day in a row Howie Mandel peed in his juice. Duh.

DAVE: (rolls eyes and nods in acceptance) OK, I can accept that. Monster B-list celebrity douchebags are cunning and persistent pranksters. Also, Fred Savage has a really punchable face, but who cares about that. (waves hand dismissively) Did you get the beta yet?

JOHN: Yeah, I got it; I'm waiting for it to finish installing so I can play it with Rose! How about you? 

DAVE: Man I got two copies already, but I don't care! (shrugs, as the glasses hide a shifty look) I mean, I'm not going to play it or anything, the game sounds boring. Did you SEE how it got slammed in Game Bro???? 

JOHN: (eye roll) Pfft, Game Bro is a joke and we both know it (jabs finger at Dave's face). Anyway, (briefly checks the almost-full progress bar) it's almost done. I better get back to Rose.

DAVE: A'ight. Have fun with that.

The window closes as Dave ends the chat. John returns his attention to the now-full bar and contacts Rose.

JOHN: I’m connected now Rose!

ROSE: (nods on screen) Good.

The cursor, basically a 3-D version of the Sburb Logo, appears in John's room and grabs the chest, emptying it and dumping the small present next to a discarded modus which had been beneath the container.

JOHN: What’s this thing floating around in my room?

ROSE: That would be the cursor I am using to manipulate your environment.

JOHN: Wait, so this game is like a real-life version of The Sims? (Confused face)

ROSE: Apparently so.

Rose sets the chest down on the roof, then expands a corner of the room and deploys a lathe there. She then places a platform-like object on the balcony as John follows the Cursor.

JOHN: What’s that on my balcony?

ROSE: It's called an Alchemiter, according to in-game text. I guess it has something to do with the Alchemy system of the game. The object I put in your room is called a Totem Lathe. It carves the material so it can be used. And this next device is called a Cruxtruder. It provides a material needed to perform the aforementioned alchemy.

She then deploys the Cruxtruder so it blocks the front door.

JOHN: (runs out to check where it landed and gapes) ROSE!! That was my front door!

ROSE: There was a door there? Sorry, I didn't see it!

JOHN: Yes there was a door! The only door out!

ROSE: You have a back door, do you not? You can still exit the house.

JOHN: Oh! You’re right. Well right now I don’t think I want to go out. Dad might be waiting to prank me or something.

ROSE: Then go check out the Cruxtruder.

JOHN: Okay!

John prepares to exit the room, and then notices the gift on the floor. Upon unwrapping it, he finds a PDA which is a deep blue with his initials on the back in sky blue.

JOHN: Huh? What’s this doing here?

The PDA has a message from Dad: Happy B-day, son! I am so proud of you.

JOHN: He is proud of me… well I actually didn’t expect that, but why would he tell me such a thing?

John installs Pesterchum 7.0 on the PDA and scans the modus into his bracelet.

Bracelet: Modus scanned. Identification: Queue modus. (LED changes from magenta to orange)

N: The Queue modus is similar to the Stack modus, except that it only permits the direct interaction of the bottom item in the Sylladex, in a First-In-First-Out manner, while Stack is First-In-Last-Out.

JOHN: Dad got me a PDA! I’m gonna continue the conversation using that now. Be right back.

ROSE: It´s a proper gift for you.

JOHN: Thanks!

John logs off the conversation on his computer, and opens his account there. He shrugs, opens the door and gets pied by Dad, who was standing right next to the door. The pie gets all over John’s face, covering his glasses with cream. Dad chuckles lightly.

DAD: That's for the smoke pellets. (satisfied expression)

JOHN: Ugh, Dad!

John attempts to whack Dad with the hammer. He easily dodges the blow and absconds to the study, glancing at the Cruxtruder for a brief moment in confusion. Shrugging, he enters the study.

JOHN: Argh! He went into the study! (shrug) I needed to take a shower anyway.

John heads to the bathroom, followed by the cursor. John takes his clothes off and gets in the shower. A towel slips into the toilet, but when Rose tries to rescue said towel she rips out the toilet.

JOHN: ROSE!!! (pops his head out of the shower, hair hanging limp) Put my toilet back!

ROSE: Oh, f**k. Sorry for that.

Rose repairs the floor and sets the toilet back in its place. John gets out of the shower and puts back on his Slimer tee and shorts, casually snatching the hammer from the sink. He heads down to the Cruxtruder and tries to turn the wheel.

JOHN: Ergh! I can’t move this thing!

ROSE: Hey John, what is that strap on your back for?

JOHN: I dunno. I think it’s for carrying something. Like how a ninja straps a sword to their back.

ROSE: Ah.

John heads to the laundry room and Rose helps him strap a sledgehammer to his back. Returning to the Cruxtruder, John removes the hammer from the sheath, struggling with its weight.

JOHN: Can you help me, Rose?

ROSE: Certainly.

The Cursor grabs the hammer's head and helps John swing it onto the wheel, spinning it free. The lid pops off. The Kernelsprite appears along with a bright blue cylinder, and the countdown begins.

JOHN: Oookay, this countdown’s creeping me out!

Cut to high atmosphere, a spirogragh portal manifests briefly and spits out a meteor.

The sprite floats over to the Harlequin doll sitting on the couch.

ROSE: Hey John, look at the Kernelsprite.

JOHN: What’s it doing?

The sprite dances around the harlequin doll.

JOHN: Why's it floatin' around the doll?

ROSE: According to some really poor walkthroughs, we’re supposed to put something in it.

The cursor picked up the doll and dropped it on the sprite, which flashes, briefly and reveals a slightly maimed Harlequin head with one arm, all tinted a light blue. Rose deploys a card with holes punched into it that has a blue apple image on it.

JOHN: What’s this for?

ROSE: I think you are supposed to put it into the Lathe, along with that blue cylinder.

JOHN: uh okay if you say so.

John grabs both and heads back to his room. He puts the card into the slot and the cylinder in the vice. The lathe carves the cylinder into a totem. John takes the totem before pulling out his PDA to pester Rose. Her face appears on the screen, although the picture is a bit fuzzy.

JOHN: Alright, I used the lathe to make this blue shapey thing. Now I guess I take it back to the alchemixer, right? Hello???????

A computer screen displays a video of John holding up the totem from inside Rose’s laptop. Just before a bolt of lightning flashes from the window, the laptop screen says:
“-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is no longer connected! �"“

NARRATOR: A young lady sits in her bedroom with her back to the audience. The laptop’s screen switches to her screensaver due to the violent storm outside the window (that can be seen right behind her). Her house has just lost power, along with her wireless internet connection, so the room is very dark from the power outage (though we can still dimly see Rose). That young man is relying on this young lady to reestablish a connection somehow. This young lady named. . . not FLIGHTY BROAD, that wasn’t it- ROSE LALONDE, that’s right!

N: Her name is Rose (the laptop computer she owns still functions on battery power). She has quite a variety of interests. She has a passion for; rather obscure literature, enjoys creative writing though can be somewhat secretive about it, a fondness for the brutally strange and fictional, and sometimes dabble in psychoanalysis. ROSE also likes to knit, her room is usually a bit of a mess, and on occasion; if just the right one strikes her fancy, she likes to play video games with her friends. 

As the Narrator is talking, Rose puts away a closed purple box, tucking it away in a cabinet within the bedroom that has a violin placed on top of it. Then, moves to the bedside and scoots the stack of journals that are next to the foot of the bed and pushes them all underneath. At the same time she’s at the bed, she “captchalogues” her knitting supply bag. Finally, Rose walks over to her violin (probably at the same time as the Narrator is finished speaking) and plays a “haunting refrain” on the instrument.

When Rose is done, she walks over to the window where the camera starts outside, panning the backyard from JASPER the cat’s mausoleum building over to the Laboratory next door (mostly hidden by trees, though the top floor of lights are still lit up). It is pouring outside, though the sky flickers with both lightning and red meteors sprinkling from the clouds. The camera angle finally turns to ROSE in the window frame, looking up to the sky.

ROSE: *sighs* It looks like the neighbors still have electricity. . . Maybe I can connect to their internet if I can get close enough!

ROSE: (taps a silver bracelet identical to John's, except hers is a yellow-green colored LED.) Captchalogue violin and knitting bag.

N: Rose's Sylladex is the Tree modus. More elegant than practical, it splits cards into three kinds - A "root" card which is the first card added to the deck, "branch cards which connect immediately to the root or split from another branch, and "leaf" cards, which are branch cards that do not have any cards connecting further. Another feature of this modus is an auto-balancing feature, which re-organizes the modus if it becomes lopsided. The items are catalogued in an alphabetical manner.

She turns to leave the room, running her hand across the book sitting on her desk. The title is easily visible, "Grimoire for Summoning the Zoologically Dubious."

ROSE: (quickly mutters) Captchalogue laptop and grimoire.

Her sylladex promptly auto-balanced itself, with the laptop as the root card. She then leaves, heading outside to the observatory. "House of Lalonde" begins playing as she scales up in some sort of montage. "PSYCHE" then appears, the point of view switching to Dave, sitting at his computer.

DAVE: OH S**T. Anyway, lat--

"DOUBLE PSYCHEOUT" appears and the scene switches back to Rose, sitting in the lab, her laptop sitting on top of the grimoire, her items scattered around her. She peeks through the telescope, where a large number of small meteorites streak through a gap in the clouds. John appears onscreen, looking quite freaked out.

JOHN: Agh! I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna-

ROSE: Hush. You haven't used the totem yet. It will most likely create the item on the punch card, which may be able to stop the meteor.

JOHN: So... like, an apple?

ROSE: It seems to vary from session to session. In one instance it was describes as an... (Reads it very slowly) "eggy loking thign". (Shakes her head)

JOHN: How is an apple supposed to stop a meteor?!

ROSE: Let's find out, shall we?

JOHN: (looks doubtful) Alright...

John quickly runs to the alchemiter, the countdown starting from 0:30. The alchemiter creates a tree, which drops an apple and disappears. Suddenly, the house begins to shake. As John looks up to the rapidly approaching meteor, another John dressed in a blue outfit briefly materializes. Eyes widening in surprise, the duplicate vanishes an instant later. John doesn't notice any of this however, and takes a bite just as the timer hits 0:00. Curtains close around the scene.

Narrator: End of Act 1.