Giving Up

I wrote this today (06/15/08) I find myself feeling this way too often.

I've locked myself away,

In this same room,

With the ugly wallpaper

& the ugly carpet.

I'm falling apart again,

I can't take it.

 

Once again,

You've made me feel unwanted.

You want me to leave you alone.

This place is not my home.

 

I don't understand,

Why I feel this way.

Why I get hurt,

No matter what you say.

 

Is it you?

Or is it me?

Am I not

Who I'm supposed to be?

 

Why is this so confusing?

I feel like dieing.

I'm hurting so much,

I'm tired of trying.

 

The things you've said to me,

Have killed something inside.

When you said you cared,

I'm pretty sure you lied.

 

What am I to do?

I feel so alone.

I feel so lost.

I have no place to call my own.

 

Deep down inside,

I'm giving up on you

Because deep down inside I know,

There's nothing more I can do.

 

Deep down inside,

I'm giving up on me

Because deep down inside,

I know I'll never be who you want me to be.

 

So here & now,

Take my life,

So I can no longer feel.

You won't have to see me because I'll be gone.

Can you make me that deal?

 

Take this gun

Or take this knife

But whatever you take,

Take my life.

Reviews

[Alice]

Wow, there's obviously so much emotion that's gone into this, it really seeps through your words and makes the reader feel it too � that's a wonderful skill to have.
You're obviously really passionate about this so I'm gonna pick it apart a little cos I always love it when people spend time on constructive criticism rather than just gushing.

Firstly, I'd say you could do with experimenting with extended metaphors. At the moment you're saying exactly what it is you want to say, and that's fine, but to make your writing stand out more from the rest I think you need to think about saying things in a way that's less literal and more individual to you, because there are parts of this that are slightly clich�d (no place to call my own, falling apart, hurting so much etc. � these are all phrases that have been used before, I might find them in any old poem.)
Let's take this Sylvia Plath poem for example. It was written shortly after she'd attempted suicide for the second time, so she must have been feeling the despair you portray in your poem. It starts off being about slicing vegetables and by accident cutting the tip off her thumb:

What a thrill -
My thumb instead of an onion.
The top quite gone
Except for a sort of hinge

Of skin,
A flap like a hat,
Dead white.
Then that red plush.

But by the end, it's no longer really about the thumb at all, its about her depression:

I have taken a pill to kill

The thin
Papery feeling.
Saboteur,
Kamikaze man -

The stain on your
Gauze Ku Klux Klan
Babushka
Darkens and tarnishes and when
The balled
Pulp of your heart
Confronts its small
Mill of silence

How you jump -
Trepanned veteran,
Dirty girl,
Thumb stump.

If someone handed you the last part of this poem and said, "It's about a girl who's depressed", it would make perfect sense. If they told you instead it was about cutting off the top of your thumb by accident, it would also make sense. What makes the poem good is that it is about BOTH � the thumb is an extended metaphor that provides us with a graphic image to associate with the depression. This is more effective than just describing her feelings would be because it makes the reader more able to visualize and identify � it is also disturbing to think of depression so literally as a gruesome wound.
Your poem is describing your feelings very well, but it's just description, so at points it can feel a bit one note as if it's a just a list �
I feel like dieing.
I'm hurting so much,
I'm tired of trying.

It's the same format and tone in which you'd write:
Walk dogs.
Do the shopping.
Do homework.

SO, I really like it in the first stanza when you mention the ugly carpet and the ugly wallpaper. You could use these as the starting point for an extended metaphor. Maybe there's a hole in the carpet, maybe the wallpaper is peeling. Think about how it looks and how it feels to the touch and then relate this to the way you felt when you wrote this piece. Use the carpet and the wallpaper as your symbols to show your readers how you feel.

Back to the list thing, I think you need to vary the tone of your piece. If you're listening to a piece of music and the volume stays the same and the same instruments are used throughout it quickly gets boring. Your writing needs crescendos and sudden lulls and changes in instrument, if that makes sense. Here's a good one I found on here:
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/malech_lehr/261885/
See how it starts calm and concise and builds into this torrent of imagery and then there's a sudden lull in the middle with the bit about open ended sentences? It's the variation that makes it really breathtaking.

Thirdly, I think your poem could do with some editing because at some points it seems like you are repeating yourself. "I know I'll never be who you want me to be" means the same as "am I not who I'm supposed to be"; "I'm tired of trying" means the same as "I'm giving up." Go through the poem, and just strip anything that isn't making a specific point. The shortest poems are often the best.

Wow, longest review ever, sorry for waffling. Basically,
-experiment with extended metaphors.
-vary the tone.
-tighten it up.

I hope this doesn't seem like a negative review because I really don't mean it like that � I just think you're good and you obviously care about it enough to want to get better � if I didn't like the poem at all I just wouldn't have said anything. Hope I've been helpful.
Alice x

[Chloe Madison Taylor.]

the ending is great.

some parts were a bit predictable.


and you just need to tell whoever this is about that they can go choke on a knife.

[Wildfleour]

Cupcake - the only advise I can offer up is that you cannot allow anything or anyone external to control your destiny or make you whole. That must come from an internal place.