Giving Up

I wrote this today (06/15/08) I find myself feeling this way too often.

I've locked myself away,

In this same room,

With the ugly wallpaper

& the ugly carpet.

I'm falling apart again,

I can't take it.

 

Once again,

You've made me feel unwanted.

You want me to leave you alone.

This place is not my home.

 

I don't understand,

Why I feel this way.

Why I get hurt,

No matter what you say.

 

Is it you?

Or is it me?

Am I not

Who I'm supposed to be?

 

Why is this so confusing?

I feel like dieing.

I'm hurting so much,

I'm tired of trying.

 

The things you've said to me,

Have killed something inside.

When you said you cared,

I'm pretty sure you lied.

 

What am I to do?

I feel so alone.

I feel so lost.

I have no place to call my own.

 

Deep down inside,

I'm giving up on you

Because deep down inside I know,

There's nothing more I can do.

 

Deep down inside,

I'm giving up on me

Because deep down inside,

I know I'll never be who you want me to be.

 

So here & now,

Take my life,

So I can no longer feel.

You won't have to see me because I'll be gone.

Can you make me that deal?

 

Take this gun

Or take this knife

But whatever you take,

Take my life.

Reviews

[Alice]

Wow, there's obviously so much emotion that's gone into this, it really seeps through your words and makes the reader feel it too � that's a wonderful skill to have.
You're obviously really passionate about this so I'm gonna pick it apart a little cos I always love it when people spend time on constructive criticism rather than just gushing.

Firstly, I'd say you could do with experimenting with extended metaphors. At the moment you're saying exactly what it is you want to say, and that's fine, but to make your writing stand out more from the rest I think you need to think about saying things in a way that's less literal and more individual to you, because there are parts of this that are slightly clich�d (no place to call my own, falling apart, hurting so much etc. � these are all phrases that have been used before, I might find them in any old poem.)
Let's take this Sylvia Plath poem for example. It was written shortly after she'd attempted suicide for the second time, so she must have been feeling the despair you portray in your poem. It starts off being about slicing vegetables and by accident cutting the tip off her thumb:

What a thrill -
My thumb instead of an onion.
The top quite gone
Except for a sort of hinge

Of skin,
A flap like a hat,
Dead white.
Then that red plush.

But by the end, it's no longer really about the thumb at all, its about her depression:

I have taken a pill to kill

The thin
Papery feeling.
Saboteur,
Kamikaze man -

The stain on your
Gauze Ku Klux Klan
Babushka
Darkens and tarnishes and when
The balled
Pulp of your heart
Confronts its small
Mill of silence

How you jump -
Trepanned veteran,
Dirty girl,
Thumb stump.

If someone handed you the last part of this poem and said, "It's about a girl who's depressed", it would make perfect sense. If they told you instead it was about cutting off the top of your thumb by accident, it would also make sense. What makes the poem good is that it is about BOTH � the thumb is an extended metaphor that provides us with a graphic image to associate with the depression. This is more effective than just describing her feelings would be because it makes the reader more able to visualize and identify � it is also disturbing to think of depression so literally as a gruesome wound.
Your poem is describing your feelings very well, but it's just description, so at points it can feel a bit one note as if it's a just a list �
I feel like dieing.
I'm hurting so much,
I'm tired of trying.

It's the same format and tone in which you'd write:
Walk dogs.
Do the shopping.
Do homework.

SO, I really like it in the first stanza when you mention the ugly carpet and the ugly wallpaper. You could use these as the starting point for an extended metaphor. Maybe there's a hole in the carpet, maybe the wallpaper is peeling. Think about how it looks and how it feels to the touch and then relate this to the way you felt when you wrote this piece. Use the carpet and the wallpaper as your symbols to show your readers how you feel.

Back to the list thing, I think you need to vary the tone of your piece. If you're listening to a piece of music and the volume stays the same and the same instruments are used throughout it quickly gets boring. Your writing needs crescendos and sudden lulls and changes in instrument, if that makes sense. Here's a good one I found on here:
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/malech_lehr/261885/
See how it starts calm and concise and builds into this torrent of imagery and then there's a sudden lull in the middle with the bit about open ended sentences? It's the variation that makes it really breathtaking.

Thirdly, I think your poem could do with some editing because at some points it seems like you are repeating yourself. "I know I'll never be who you want me to be" means the same as "am I not who I'm supposed to be"; "I'm tired of trying" means the same as "I'm giving up." Go through the poem, and just strip anything that isn't making a specific point. The shortest poems are often the best.

Wow, longest review ever, sorry for waffling. Basically,
-experiment with extended metaphors.
-vary the tone.
-tighten it up.

I hope this doesn't seem like a negative review because I really don't mean it like that � I just think you're good and you obviously care about it enough to want to get better � if I didn't like the poem at all I just wouldn't have said anything. Hope I've been helpful.
Alice x

[Ebs]

i really connected with this poem. Some poems i read now days simply "tell" me how they feel, this poem let me "feel" what you felt. it was beautifully written. The last verse I thought was like a kick in the guts in some way. it just really struck me. You used a really good technique to use short words, it worked really well.

ebs

[Lyndsay Castro]

I know what you mean about feeling this way too often. I'm right there with you, honey-poo. I'm sorry, but we're in this together. Keep writing. Sometimes, not always, but sometimes after a good cry and a good write we can put our chin up and say "f^&k it. here i am, and here i'll stay." I think I'm starting to seriously bond with you through reading your work. I know that sounds silly and possibly stalkerish. But I see so much of myself in you that I can't help but find myself genuinely caring. I do.

[kitty_kelley]

Nice, this is a great poem and the ending really just sets the tone for the whole poem. I love it!!

[ANNA]

So very deep it scars me like a cigar burn! Your a beautiful writer and I'm so happy to have you're on my friends list or I would have never come a long and read this! So thank you! I love this piece. keep it up! and if you want to send me so of your work. I will read them and review also.

Much love n respect,
Anna

[Dshaman14]

I love free verse poem
This one is nice... the expression are well written
I can imagine Everysingle detail...
uhm... just a suggestion, Uhm, dont use & if you wanna say and
i rather have it as the word itself...
Well it just my opinion... ^^,)
good job..

[Reborn A Phoenix]

i know how u feel girl grate poem

[John Stussy]

Don't ask to die just yet, no need to be gone. Whoever is making you feel this way can be pushed away I assume, family r otherwise. If this person has their issues to deal with, back off a little and have them deal with them. No eed to let them drag you down with them, you know? I'm here if you want or need a friend to talk to.

[Sarah]

You definitely captured the depression and hopelessness that comes with heart-break and hurt. I love the parallelism in the 8th & 9th stanzas, that was really nice.^^ I also enjoyed the repetition in the final stanza, it made everything come together nicely. =) Great job expressing your dark feelings so beautifully.

[Mr. Lopez]

Right On ! I have felt this way before and know that it can feel like the only way out is "lights out" . A scary place to be . Very well written.