Life

I don't know about this one. It's all over the place. But my rhyming's decent :D Maybe.

I have a life and I’m living and learning,

waiting for angels to carry me home.

Holding on fast to the Earth and its maker;

wishing for something I lost long ago…

If I had a day just to watch the small beauties -

of leaves in the autumn, the strength of a tree;

the strong quiet voice of the mountains are calling,

look well - listen - and one day you’ll see

 

Spending the days of the summer and winter

patiently holding to dreams of the past.

Watching the wind fly in all of its colors,

seeing the death of a time that can’t last

I wish for a time when life isn’t just living,

but trying to be something that somebody needs.

When serving is more than a small occupation,

and nobody has to have more than a dream

 

When life was more than a world of progression

we knew all the secrets we needed to hold.

But innocence lost caused goals that are changing,

and we search now for something we can’t hope to know....

 

We have to keep moving to future and hope.

On the road we’ve long traveled, forward we’ll go.

But on the way we have lost something precious,

something we had once, we had to let go....

Yet still I see hope in the face of the child

who likes where he’s going and loves where he’s been.

And maybe one day he will share his great secret,

so all the dark futures will brighten again

Yes maybe one day we will all know his secret

And life, joy, and gentleness can reign once again

Author's Note

Do you have any suggestions for the arrangement of the stanzas? I'm not sure I like them how they are now, but I don't know where they'd work best.

Reviews

[Marie Anzalone]

Beautifully done, my new friend. You weave a lot into this, and you tackle big questions and themes, AND you do it skillfully, with a structured rhyme scheme and nicely paced rhythm.

If I had a suggestion to make, I would give you two: 1) the forced caps at the beginning of each line force awkward pauses, and make us look for punctuation that is not there. Perhaps try instead to let sentences start and end naturally? 2) This one wants breathing space and pauses... as written it feels rushed, like you are trying to force the thoughts out. Let it guide the reader instead of marking a path etched in stone.Great poetry makes you think of your own journey, through the reader's words about his/her own. Not saying I have personally ever written anything myself that does that, mind you... these are just suggestions, nothing else.

As for the theme, it reminds me of a belief I learned when young, that guides me to this day; that we are all born with a vision in us of who we are supposed to be in this world, how we are supposed to use our natural individual talents. It is our responsibility to find that vision, and try to live it. Anything less than that is living a life aimed at death, and we all know that.

[Becca Bishop]

Thank you for the review!! I tried to change it like you suggested...is it any better?
I love your belief. It's so beautiful!!!!
Thanks for your review, new friend!!!!!! :P

[Marie Anzalone]

You're welcome. And yes, it does feel better. You still have some misplaced caps, but maybe that is intentional???

[Becca Bishop]

I tried to keep them only after periods...but I could've missed a few :P I was a little distracted. Revising work and making rolls and coleslaw for Thanksgiving are hard to do at the same time. I'll take another look through then :D

[Marie Anzalone]

You know, on a piece I really care about, I ususally end up reviewing at elast 15 times, revising about 5-7. I find that the words play tricks on me from one day to the next. Wiry little b******s. Hope the rolls and slaw turn out delightful for you.

[Becca Bishop]

Smart :P I'm ashamed to say that after I write stuff I'm usually so sick of it that I slap it up here or give it to a friend at let other people review it. Sometimes I just need a break :P Words are like that; our greatest friends and our cleverest enemies. Here's hoping to good food!!! Please don't spoil during the night!!!

[Marie Anzalone]

You need more patience with your words, and you need to learn to love them, like children. Enough discipline to keep them in line; enough freedom to become what they want or need to; just enough guidance to help them along as they find their own way. For they are living things and have feelings too you know. :-)

[Becca Bishop]

Yea verily ;P

[Elvis Gilley]

enjoyed the artistic expressions. I will work on the stanza suggestion. take are and thanks for sharing. e

[Becca Bishop]

Thanks for the review!!!! Don't bother with the stanza stuff if you don't have time, but if you do....I'm very very open to suggestion. Very :P
Thanks again!!!!

[Patrick Henry]

Were the caps changed? I wouldn't change a thing in this poem. This poem's definition would rival that of the very definition of inspiration!! : ) Love your profile as well. lol Had me checking the color of my shirt. I'm even curious what the tags for this poem would be..... heart, love, forever, truth? Love it!! xoxo -Mark

[Becca Bishop]

Yeah, I originally had caps at the beginning of every line just because word forced me to do it (darn that program!) and it did sound kind've forced....so yeah :P I'm glad you liked it!!! Took me three days to write and my sister told me I sounded like a weirdo and that I should go out a get a boyfriend or a hobby. Ah, well. Critics...sisters...what can you do???? Thanks for reading my profile :P I'm afraid it freaks everyone out to some extent but we all need a little fear in our lives...you weren't wearing green by any chance, were you?
Thanks for the review :D :D :D :D :D

[Patrick Henry]

No!! lol I wasn't wearing green.... : ) I got out of the shower and was wearing my towel over my shoulders. I had my shirt on my lap, but must have moved it. THAT'S why I looked down. I'm guessing you didn't see MY profile, huh? lol MINE might freak someone out. I posted the censored version!! : ) This poem is in my "library". You are a fun poet to visit. I think you and Amanda on my list, would get along great. Both of your poems hit me in a similar way. xoxo -Mark

[Becca Bishop]

Oh, good!!! You aren't wearing green now, are you?? Cause if you are then I'd have to kill you. And that might make you sad.
Of course I read your profile!!! I'm a nut like that - I read every one that I come in contact with. I can honestly say that I seldom meet people who interest me because of their craziness, but you top that list :P And - since I've decided just now to become a more truthful person - it did freak me out a bit!! But..in a good way y'know??
Thanks for libraryingizing....librarianizing...librar...lib...oh, nevermind. I really shouldn't try to make up words. I'll just say thanks....so....
Thanks.
:P :P :P

[Patrick Henry]

My favorite made up word is "Gorgeosity"!! I'm still laughing at how you wrote to me in that comment!! : ) How freakin' adorable is that personality of yours?! I love it.... I, too, read everyone's profile. It's really the only chance to see something from them that isn't really scripted and in poem form. I LOOOVE this: "Cause if you are then I'd have to kill you. And that might make you sad." ...!!! You batter be on my friend list thing.... every page should be THIS fun!! xoxo -Mark

[Becca Bishop]

In answer to your very important question: I'm way freaking adorable ;D ;D ;D
;lkkkkkkkkn;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
Sorry. That was my cat. Apparently he likes you too!!
Gorgeosity....hmm...I can't say that one either :P Gorgeo...goerogo....gortetio...pie....nope. Oh well. Someday :P
I sometimes wish everyone's profile was mile long. Not cause I'm a stalker, just cause they're interesting to read. I'm glad I'm not the only one who reads them!!! Take THAT Mom!!!! She told me it was weird to read things like that and I told her....oh yeah? And she said "yeah" so I said, "oh yeah" and she said "yeah" and then I said "OH YEAH????" and then for some reason she told me to empty the dishwasher. SO HA MOM!!! I'M NOT A FREAK!!!
My day is complete :D :D :D

[marie]

do NOT change anything its great the way it is i loved it

I wish for a time when life isn’t just living,
But trying to be something that somebody needs.
When serving is more than a small occupation
And nobody has to have more than a dream.

that would be my favorite stanza it kind of describes my everyday life :)

[Becca Bishop]

Thank you :) That's probably my favorite stanza too :P It's way cool that it describes you :D

[marie]

oh yeah its sooo awesome:)

[Sid]

Wow, this is quite simply amazing really, you really have a way with words and I like reading each one of them. I don't know why you are worried about the stanzas because they seem perfect to me and I don't think you should change anything because this is quite amazing as it is...great work!!

[Becca Bishop]

Thanks!!! :D It's anything but perfect but thank you for reading it anyway :P and thanks for the nice review :D :D :D

[Sir Jaykom]

This is very good. I enjoyed reading it.

Fav. line: "When serving is more than a small occupation
And nobody has to have more than a dream"

Excellent work!

[Becca Bishop]

Thank you :) The dream line is my favorite, too. I must've been having an odd case of good writing there for a moment. Finally. It's about time I wrote something worth reading :P Thank you for the review and the kind words :D :D :D :D

[Shubham's View]

*Gaping* Mmaffalalalaloo, Oh, sorry I forgot to close my mouth, anyway, I have the nothing to say except the fact the versatility you seem to show in your writing, well scares me, how can someone do this? You should be published :|
No rhyme scheme, yet such great rhythm! You must be a minion of the dead Keats! :|

[Becca Bishop]

Didn't I tell you I was scary?? :) Thank you for the review. Nice to hear from you again after such A LONG ABSENCE. Do you feel ashamed now? Well, you should.

Thanks again :D :D :D :D :D

[DrD]

Becca, I have ABSOLUTELY NO suggestions because I will not permit you to change a single word of this. Change one comma and you're gronded for two weeks. This is a precious work that could only come from you. I loved it!

[Becca Bishop]

Well...since I don't enjoy being grounded I guess I'll listen to you :P Thank you DrD. You're always so encouraging :D :D :D :D Thanks!!!