Forgive Me?

Short story. Written in year 2013.

 I wished he would give me a second chance. A second chance that's all. A second chance to take back what  have done to him. To repay and reflect upon my actions and wrongdoings. Now all I can think of is if only I never lashed out at him. If only I never did those horrible things. If only I had listened to him, then he would still be alive and be at my side.

For all I can remember, we were very close with each other. We were twins of course. People never believed that we could communicate without speaking. Even we were surprised at first. We know what one of us is about to do during certain situations. When one of us is involved in an accident we could also feel it. I still remember when Sean went camping with his friends while I on the other hand am stuck at home doing house chores. When I was cleaning the house, I had this picture in my head that Sean fell into the river and was drowning, I too felt that I could not breath, then I fainted. I woke up the next day in bed worried about Sean but mum told me that all is well and Sean only caught a cold in the process, thank goodness.

Time passed quickly and we are now in high school. This is where everything started to go wrong. High school is a period of time where teenagers face a lot of challenges, well I was one of them. Wanting to fit in so badly, I hung out with the "popular" group where they are the center of everything. Without knowing it, I became so full of myself and I started to distance myself from those that I loved the same goes to me and Sean. Our once special bond weakened by the distance that I put between us. Things started to turn worse when my "friends" introduced my to the miracle meds, my escape from reality into the dream world - drugs.

All that I remembered was alcohol became my water and drugs were go to problem solvers. My condition worsen when my parents come home everyday just to fight over some petty stuffs. Their relationship was never good and it turns even worse when they discovered that I started to do drugs and became an alcoholic. Due to their never ending fights, my parents abandoned their duties as a father and a mother and they rarely come home just to avoid seeing each other. Whenever I reach home in a drunken state, Sean would always clean me up and help me into bed. He would help me change and without a choice bathe me on certain occasions. Well me in that wasted state, I could only remember bits of it, how I re-payed his kindness with the foulest words and endless cursing.

After everything I had done, Sean never abandoned me. He always cared for and looked out for me. Even when my parents threaten to throw me out of the house, the only time they have ever agreed with each other, Sean defended me and said that I did not really wanted this to happen. What he said was indeed true, a part of me wanted to change for the better but the darker side of me always wins. I never change my bad habits and I still walk down that path that I had took but now even deeper in. I drank more and did more drugs. I became a living ghost of my former self. My grades dropped like a star that fell to the earth. I was caught smoking within the school compounds and thus was expelled from school.

After being expelled, I only stayed at home and only venture out into the neighborhood when I needed to smoke. Life was like a dream to me. I never know where I was going and what was I doing. Nothing seemed important to me now. I let myself rot from the inside out.

 Then this one fine night, I was walking aimlessly in the middle of the road, oblivious to my surroundings. I did not even hear the truck that was honking behind me, what I knew was one second I was walking and the next I was sitting on the ground and a group of people was starting to gather. Maybe it was the taste of non-existing blood in my mouth or that I heard someone saying " Oh, that poor boy. Why did he tried to save that crazy girl? ", without knowing it myself, I had pushed myself to get to the center of the crowd only to find my now dying brother lying in a pool of his own blood. I knelt next to him and gathered his broken and growing cold body close to me. Tears streamed down my face and an inhumane wail erupted from within me. I begged him to not leave me alone in this world telling him of the promise that we made to always stick together. He promised!

When I got up the next morning, I found myself in clean clothing and not even a trace of blood on my body. Maybe what happened yesterday was just a bad dream. I rushed into Sean's room only to find it empty. Maybe he is having breakfast now, he must be in the dining room eating all alone as per usual. I rushed down to the dining room. Empty. My parents must be at home cause both their cars are still in the driveway. I rushed up the stairs, two at a time to their room. All I find was my parents huddled up together, mum sobbing in dad's arms and dad trying hard but failing to stop his tears from falling. " YOU! ", mum came towards me with so much hatred in her eyes and voice. " YOU KILLED HIM! MURDERER! ". She grabbed my by my throat and started to strangle me. I dd not even tried to fight back, all that was in my mind was " Yes, kill me. Kill me! I want to reunite with my dear brother.". Dad broke mum's hold on my neck and said, "He's in the hospital's morgue now. We are going there to identify his body. Why don't you head there first? We will go right after your mum had calmed down."

I reach the hospital and the doctor took me to straight to the morgue. He led me into a room and there on the cold steel table was a body covered with a white sheet, only the feet are showing. The doctor uncovered his face and there lay my dearest brother sleeping so peacefully as if he is going to wake up anytime and ask me if he had scared me with that silly lopsided grin on his face. I reached for my phone that was vibrating in my pocket. " Hello? Is this Sarah? ", the question snapped me back to my senses. "Yes, this is Sarah speaking."

The caller told me that Sean had set up this whole day activity for me at our favourite amusement park and he is calling to check if we are still going or not today. Today? Only then did I realized it that today was my birthday. No! It is OUR birthday, but now there is only me, no more us. I broke down and cried.

While mum and dad was busy settling Sean's funeral, I escaped to the amusement park for the birthday present that Sean had set up. When I reached home, I received a bouquet of flower, the person said that it was from Sean and so is the letter which he later handed to me. Inside the letter, Sean expressed that he is thankful that I am still alive even after all that self abuse that I had done. He said that he also hoped that I would go to rehab and clean myself up. For the second time that day, I cried.

Years have passed since that accident that took my dear brother from me. I went into rehab just as Sean had wanted me to. The birthdays that I celebrated alone always reminded me of the things Sean and I had done back then during our childhood. Mum and dad made up which was a relief and I bet Sean would also be very happy that they finally did. Even so, I still never forgive myself for I am the one that took my brother's life. I wonder if he were still here what would happen? I never stop wishing that I could have the chance to turn back the time and let everything start all over. Let me have the chance to enjoy and spend the rest of my life together with my dear brother just as we had promised.