The assignment

Ramblings from a normal person who feels, and just wants a purposeful life.

The assignment

Write down the way you are feeling, that's the assignment. I sit in my wooden chair, pondering, chewing on the tip of my pen cap. 

How do I write down what I'm feeling without sounding like a rambling crazy person? I worry that, if i answer this question honestly I will be looked at differently. 

The truth is I'm tired, tired of living this mundane day-to-day life. They say that this is what life is as if going to work or school 8 hours a day- 5 days a week is normal. That you always have to be working for someone else, that you cannot have dreams because dreams aren't consistent. They are fleeting much like the daylight when the sun goes down. What they don't realize or mention is that yes the daylight disappears, but in the darkness, it's the moon's time to shine. 

Everyone goes about life thinking this is normal, to strive to find a job that makes you want to kill yourself. Even though you are stable and secure in the ways that society tells you are right, you are miserable. When someone tells you that you look different, you look sad. They ask you how you are, and you feel the words desperate to escape as if they are tied up in your stomach and if they had the chance they would come out like vomit. 

They would say, I'm stuck. I'm afraid i will always feel this.. hollow. That my life has no meaning, that the reason I was put on this earth was to work this job that has no real meaning. I feel as if my dreams go down the drain as the water does, after my shower. This routine is killing me, knowing what to expect every second of every day is literally killing my will to live. I look into the mirror every day disappointed in myself, for allowing myself to live this hollow life. Of giving up on my dreams over and over again.  That one day, I'm afraid i won't wake up because i died in my sleep from a broken heart from a life unlived. My time run out as I ran from a dreamless life.  If I was able to speak these words, to let them come out of their cage in my stomach I know that I would be met with a startled look. A look that tells me, you were supposed to say you are doing just fine.  So instead, that's what I say. I'm fine, just tired. I leave it at that and the honesty from my thoughts tell me I betrayed myself once again. 

This assignment I was given, is stupid. It's pointless, there is no point in wasting the ink in my pen to write down lies. The ink begins to become runny and stains the page from keeping it in one spot for too long, muddying the words that I can't write down. And yet I feel some relief because in a way I've been able to express this heartache that is deep within my chest. This pain is tied to me and that this holding me down, making me it's a prisoner. The cage is this narrative that I have to live this life to fit others' vision instead of my own. 

When I allow myself to imagine what life could be, the joy that I could find. this narrative shuts it down almost immediately most times, but then there are the times where the narrative doesn't interrupt because it too wants to escape and dream for a little bit. 

I picture myself, not in a huge house surrounded by millions of things I don't need but in a cozy little cottage Esque house lying down on the couch by a warm fire with my husband next to me. I have a dog curled up on the rug near the fireplace, the lighting is dim and the environment is safe and peaceful. I feel calmness and love and gratitude for my life in my heart. I feel fulfilled, heard, loved and peaceful. I don't see things, I feel them. Because what I crave is not material things, what I crave is feeling peace and fulfilled. Dancing with life, my passion to help people being the main centrefold. 

My passion is to help people be the creators of their own lives. To give them the permission they seek to live the way they want, or not even to give them permission but to show them that they don't need permission to live, they have the right because they are here. To be whatever they dream of, used to dream of before the world tore them down. 

You don't need anyone's permission or words to say you are allowed to fully live the way you want to, you already have the right because you are here! I'll say it again for the ones in the back. You are allowed to live the life you want to because you are here! 

Let yourself dream your life into reality. 

You want to model swimsuits, go for it!

You want to sell houses, do it!

you want to write a book, write your own world.

You are allowed to live your life, no matter how large or small you wish it to be you are worthy of the life your desire. you are worthy, because my darling, you are here. 

No one truly knows why we were put here, but it is definitely not to work a 9-5 job 5 days a week without any sign of joy. We were put here for a reason, all of our beautiful different souls, as unique as snowflakes, are here for a unique purpose. 

Allow yourself to, find it, follow it and live it.