Treading water

We swim through oceans of grief 

on our way to new horizons, 

don't let bad thoughts in 

or else they'll weigh you down. 

Guess now we know why we 

so often feel like we're drowning, 

treading water and fighting to 

keep our place against the waves

that beat us under. 

Lightning strikes on distant 

islands, and thunder echoes loud

across the canyons of hurt 

and despair. 

How rare it is to find a lifeline, 

a buoy in the water. We are empty, 

bone dry and thirsty for new life 

and something to hold on to...

but hopes and dreams seem to 

offer no solid handholds, 

and we are left looking up at the rain.

Like fallen angels, we yearn for our 

place in the sky, 

for days gone by

when it didn't hurt so much to breathe. 

Instead, we are left in the grip 

of cold hands, surrounded by death 

and his gang. They are sharks in the water, 

preying on our weakness and searching 

for the moment our faithfulness waivers. 

We are not alone, 

but the fog blocks everyone else 

from our view and the wind is too 

loud to hear their screams..

Don't ever give up.

G*ddammit, don't you dare give up. 

Just grab onto my voice and raise 

yours high. If you can't make a sound,

don't worry. Your thoughts can truly be heard.

I promise you things do get better. 

Exhaustion plays tricks on your mind. 

This journey is a hard one, yes, 

but it really doesn't take that much time. 

So just keep hold of my rhymes and my rhythms, 

it really won't be that long. And when your arms 

are weak and and your strength is failing, 

trust me, I know you are strong. 

But you see, this rhyming really isn't my style, 

so instead I'll spell it out for you one 

motion at a time, find your internal drums 

beat the only music you'll ever need 

to keep you going.

The ocean is deep, yes I know, 

though the new horizons seem 

so far away, 

one day the tide will go out,

and just maybe, 

you'll find you are able to stand. 

Reviews

[JayG]

"Guess now we know why we
so often feel like we're drowning,
treading water and fighting to
keep our place against the waves
that beat us under. "

Poetry is not made by snipping an essay, however poetic the imagery and language, into short lines. It's meant to be read aloud by someone who, unlike you, has no idea of how you intend it to be read. For example, they don't know if you want end stops on the lines or continuous flow.

One way to solve that problem is to have the language naturally provide to a beat that's made up of the stressed and unstressed syllables. When we say the word "afternoon," for example, we say it as after-NOON. The word "machine" becomes either MA-chine or ma-CHINE, depending on which side of the Atlantic you live on.

By making use of the natural flow of the words, choosing our words, and placing them, there is a rhythm to the poem that provides a background tempo, while guiding the reader into reading it in the way we intended. With structured poetry this is far more pronounced because the rhyming amplifies that. But such things as a line that's trochaic or iambic are still useful tools to a poet who works in unstructured poetry.

I'd suggest taking a look at the excerpt for Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled on Amazon. It will give you a better feel for one of the more important tools for hooking a reader.