Why I'll Never be Sure I've Forgiven You

A Poem by beautifulblade

4/21/15

Dear Deconstruction of a Wandering Soul,

I would ask how you've been, but I'm not sure I'd want to know; forgiveness is hard enough to give without questioning my motives. Add that to the fact that so many people told me I had a right to hate you, and I should probably just drop it while I can still believe myself.

It could have been easier, I think, if you had just confessed, or maybe just apologized. That's really all I wanted, but I guess you chose to swallow your words like broken glass. I hope you bled when you s**t them back out.

Maybe part of me does hate you. Maybe I hate you because the shame in telling what you did to me would have been nothing compared to "I'm sorry." Maybe I hate you because you were the reason my life was a constant cycle of controlled chaos and uncontrolled emotions...

...but then again, how can I hate what made me who I am? Wouldn't that mean I would have to hate myself? I'm so much stronger because of you. I finally found my exit strategy, a way out of my trapped mentality, out of a place that felt almost safe but where the wolf was always lurking just a step or two behind.

In the end, I guess I'll wish you the best, because Karma caught up to you and cancer's a b***h, and apparently it threw in a stroke for good measure just to make sure you'd never hurt someone again.

Sincerely,
Construction of a Purposeful Life