some kind of ballad

Death of her father, ‘venge the death

 

His sword he grips with heart and mind

 

Still, fingers to him, gripped so tight

 

He is, but a string of words, at play

 

And he falls with all of his weight

 

To climb within the tomb again

 

And to wait  

 

Driven ---  away  

He comes

to my magic island

 

Within

 ….. I  closed my eyes as if in sleep

 

And  I listened to his approach

As he Scaled the  castle walls all overgrown

 

And I lost my guard

and I lost my soul

To his eternal heat

  I breathed deep

 

 And while

        listening -----

 

    He spoke of one in his care

Of an  angelic one in his keep

 

Her name was in the beat

Beat

Beat

 

of his reddened heart

Unmistakable and tumbling

The roar

Of a man

In love

And yet …

With regret

not equally

Adored

 

And so I wove the  

words

and let them fall

as whispers

on his crinkled brow

and into his

lovely ears

-----That she ------his  angelic one

….was lost to another

by her own desire ...

 

 Twas  the truth

not embellished

did grip him then

with her mighty

jaws

and shook him

into

being

 

That day -

so unforgettable

in a play to gain 

I lost 

 

as mad �" o how madly he diverged

 

Far from me --- he tore

 

Away

 

away

 

not ascending but

down --- he went

and letting

his silver blade fall �"

He pulled

   a crazed

     beast of a man

on his glossy locks

     That curled round his fingers

And shone blackblue in the moon light

 

The moon light!

 

O man

Let it refine you

Fly to it and let it find you

 

Not lost

But

Found

 

They say there

in the magic of that pale orb

 

The nameless will be named

    the homeless and the lame

       be at rest or be in walking

will discover all that it is

that they need

 

So go

go to the moon

 

 you  dreamer

    

for there the  mad Will their Reason

retake

  and

there is no mistake

that by that silver light 

 - once again

 you may  be 

          my friend

  so much more than

 words

    of wounded

         mesh

but flesh

 

And then

heart and soul and mind

   when you open your eyes

 

you will find

  the you in you

and the I too

   

     Be Quick now

Awake!

Reviews

[S. Kimball]

This is a great piece that could use a lot of refining, but it has definite potential.

Your decisions as far as prose were interesting, but at points, hard to slog through. It almost feels inspired by e.e. cummings, which is a good thing, but sometimes I couldn't see the purpose behind why you were doing it and it almost felt like style over substance.

I like the shortness of each bit. It works for this. It has a good smack to it.

It doesn't start with a good bang though. I have objections to the repeated use of "gripping", and possibly even using it at all. It feels lifeless and could do with some meaningful spice. "Magic island" suffers from the same malady, although "magic of that pale orb" felt fine.

Don't let those discourage you, though, there were a lot of parts I enjoyed. The part involving crawling inside a tomb was nice.

"The nameless will be named

the homeless and the lame

be at rest or be in walking

will discover all that it is

that they need



So go

go to the moon



you dreamer"

That is good. All of it. Well done.

Overall, I enjoyed both the piece and the story.