• " I won't say, that I'm Okay" •

Since 23th of January, i’ve been sad and incomplete. 

She died, she is in heaven now, far from me. I was not ready for this, and i think i never will be. I was there, by her side, looking at her, and feeling completly empty. I couldn’t do anything more for her. She was laying down, with her eyes closed and covered with flowers. People were coming, to me and my family to mourn, and i couldn’t held my tears, roling down my face. Politely, i said “thank you” to people, that hug me and said to me “be brave, she will take care of you”, and I know she will. But it hurts, it hurts so much! When you realize that was the last time that you looked at her. 

The moment arrived, they closed the coffin, and at the same time, my heart was closed as well! All i could do was cry, with all my heart and soul. I just wanted one more time to tell her, that I love her. A little bit of me, was with her, and will stay with her, forever and ever. A few weeks ago, my boyfriend showed me this song, this man. He wrote, word by word, every single feeling that I couldn’t explain. He is amazing and his songs are full of feelings and passion by music!

“Grandma, uh, I love God with all my heart and,

The only reason that isn’t stated in my life is because of you.

And I really don’t understand that God that you introduced me to would

Take you away so fast when you were the only person that ever understood a thing I said.

And I really don’t know how to deal with this anymore.

And I’m just really not okay with this.

And I miss you and I understand you’re in heaven but I… I want to be selfish.

I don’t want you to be in heaven, I want you to be back down here.

I don’t want you to be there. I want you to be here.

What am I supposed to do now?

That’s all I’m asking.”