Emotional Eruption

I wrote this on 1/8/13 It was extremely necessary. So much is packed into this..

So much worry
Deep in my heart
My body suffers
My head aches
I’m sick and tortured
With no known remedy

Is there something in there?
Can I balance all of this?
What consequences does that have?
Will things ever change between us?
Are we getting along?
Or just tolerating?
Will your heart burst?
Are we going to be?
Can I ever let go?
What do you think about everything?
Where is the joy?

I see signs, symptoms, changes
But if they are relevant
I am all but certain
I hope it’s only paranoia
I just wish I could shake it
Rather than let it shake me
And drive me mad inside
I feel so powerless
No idea what to do
I can’t tell someone
I’m just to skeptical
As well as scared
This is a burden
I don’t want to bear
And it’s all your fault
But you’re far far gone
Another reason to hate you
If only I could do so

There’s this and that
And more and more
Some so demanding
I just want to quit
But I can’t do that
Because then I’ll fail
Something unacceptable
To me and many others
Yet so appealing
With all that’s on my mind
So little I care
About some stupid book
Or some law of physics
Or even a practice test
With a final I don’t plan to take
But it’s still all required
And drowning me in work
A break would be nice
But the relief only temporary
Then the stress would double
And so would the work
No break worthwhile
An horrible conundrum
I want to throw outside
Break through a glass window
And shatter it all to pieces

The smell floats around
I know what you’re doing
And all I see are risks
Potentially fatal outcomes
That all scare me to death
You could be killing yourself
Getting Cancer or Liver Disease
Neither could I handle
Nor would I want to see
I want you to realize
What you’re doing
To me and to them
And to yourself as well
Because it is destruction
It tears things apart
Both inside and outside
Of you and of us

We argue nightly
And words sting like bees
So many scars
They hurt like knives
You’ve stuck them in me
And caused blow to flow
You don’t even know it
But you destroy me
Yet victimize yourself
And then others listen
Forget me, love you
I don’t understand
Why you always win
When I act more mature
Than your stupid drunken self
That I feel so much hate toward
I don’t know what to say
That’s part of the reason
I scream so often at you
And never tolerate you
Despite your threats
And despite your abuse
I could cry from this pain
It goes so far deep
Into my core, I feel it
And I want to dig it out
But I can’t
Because it’s recurring
And that repetition
Somehow stops the tears

We fight a lot less
But still yell harshly
Our faces get tight
With anger creasing them
Sometimes it’s great
But others it’s not
And I worry about that
Because you’re all I’ve got here
And I don’t want to loose that
Without one person
Here would be worse
Than the hell that it’s been
Which I could not bear

You yell and scream
Every day of your life
And your blood pressure heightens
Your poor poor heart
Can it take more of that?
I never stop thinking
That a heart attack could strike
And what that would mean
Is a menacing black spot
I don’t want to face
Nor do I think I could
I’m just so afraid
For your life
And for mine
Your anger explodes
And harms everyone around
Do you see that?
Some cower in fear
Some cry countless tears
One goes out and smokes
As well as drinks several cans
And your heart sits there
Choking on your blood
I can’t believe it handles it
I fear the day it stops
Because then everything changes
And no one here is ready
For such a drastic change
Nor for the heartbreak

You’re such a sweetie
And treat me so well
This has been great
And continues day to day
But I just don’t know
How good the idea
So many factors
So little sense made
I’d hate to ruin it
But I’m so unsure
Continue or not?
I know you want to
But something holds me back

Seeing you kills me
Hearing you is worse
Even just your name
It’s like a dagger in my soul
You cut me so deep
Caused so much hurt all around
Not just to me
But also to those I love
How dare you, you a*s?
I should hate your guts
But for some stupid reason
I just cannot release
You have such a hold on me
And I want it to break
But somedays I fall
Go back and superglue the cracks

Your opinion matters
More than any other’s
I think I’ve made that clear
Although I sometimes fear it
I know you’re wise
And what you say has truth
But accepting it is hard
When I know but still deny
There are so many thoughts
I want to share with you
But should I do so?
I haven’t a clue
Nonetheless, I probably will
My trust for you is infinite
And although I may worry
This is the least of all

I want more happies
Like found in that jar
But fewer and fewer they become
But not for lack of trying
I want to take a camera
Just disappear for a day
Go somewhere I’ve never been
And take infinity pictures
Until the world there is black
And nothing can be seen
Or even sit at a desk
And work on the computer
Doing design for me
For a friend or boss
Whoever it’s for
It’s better than nothing
Which is what it seems like now
Even though that’s not true
The joy is barely there
Because it really is a job
With annoying coworkers
And nosey passersby
But I MUST find the joy
Or I will simply break apart

I just want to cry
Fall down and apart
Scream at the top of my lungs
And let EVERYTHING out
But I feel I must contain it
Despite the pleads inside
Expression like that
Is a bit too extreme