Insomnia thoughts

This night's dull

Trough the haze 

The squandered ways

So much clarity

Served with melancholy

On the tables

Wax infected meals

Diminishing sights

Joyful last bites

The perplexed index

Of insomnia thoughts 

That

Ran too deep

Barriers so cheap

It's disgusted the w****s

The moonlight weights

Revenge for its craters

Betraying counselled lovers

Excited by ironic sparks

It's tears just

Piss in the dark

It pleads for a break

The amnesia helps

Refrain from insanity

The notions the same

This night's dull

Its seen better days

Author's Note

Different tone than usual, typically don't post these kind. Appreciate any feedback. Especially on the flow and if you can connect to it. The flow to me, is a reflection of insomniac thoughts, that jump from one to another.

Reviews

[Storyworker]

Hello, you sent me a friend request, so I figured I’d send you a review. :)

So I can see that this is definitely a different tone than usual, like you said. I read a few of your other poems and they are vastly different than this one in a few different ways. I comment on poetry like this rarely because I have seen a lot of poems in this specific style by a lot of different authors. It’s a style that I find to be widely used, and here’s a few of my thoughts on it.

So first off, I used to write poetry very similar to this myself. Now, I’m not accusing you of being like me, I’m just theorizing that you’re writing in a similar way to the me of the past. So, if this is not true, feel free to take my comments and toss them into a burning landfill. Anyway, I say that I used to write like this because of the style of the poem. It is very nice, it sounds good, but in the end the reader walks away with little to no knowledge of the poem’s meaning. I used to write poems like this, read them in my classroom, and then when someone came up to me praising me for my brilliance, I would ask them what the poem was about. They wouldn’t have an answer for me. This is what might be happening here. This poem is from your deepest thoughts. It is amazingly deep with every line meaning something to you. But, the lines ONLY mean something to you. There may be no way for other people to figure out what they mean because the reader is not you. They don’t know how you think, they don’t know what your background is. You want to give your readers the ability to understand what you’re talking about. Now, don’t get this confused with, “your poem must be easy to understand”. It doesn’t have to be. Your poem can be cryptic, but not so incredibly cryptic that there is absolutely zero chance for a reader to understand.

The style that I’m talking about, which is so non-understandable, is used A LOT on this website. In fact, almost every poem is either about love or goes along these lines. Make sure yours is different, and stands out from the crowd by making the concept unique. You want to come up with a good idea that is different from everyone else’s. For instance, Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven”. Yes, it had that darkness that almost every writer on this website writes with, but that darkness was presented in an understandable way, and more importantly in an interesting and unique way as well with the use of the raven in the piece. This is what you want to do. You want to stand out.

So that’s my THEORY. Once again, discard it if it’s not true. If you’d like, send me an analysis of what the poem means so I can understand more. I’d love to check it out. Now I may be having an off moment where I’m just dumb and can’t understand what I’m reading though, so correct me if I’m wrong, and make me wish I never wrote those last two paragraphs!

Now, as for the actual poem:

Rhyming. Brilliant rhyming. There are poets that use rhyming and make it sound like Doctor Seuss, making it so obvious that it sounds ridiculous, and then there’s you. You have the ability to rhyme without making it obvious and corny, and that’s not a skill that everyone has. Your rhymes are well done, and it does not seem like you wrote the poem based around rhymes, replacing sections just because you needed to find a word that rhymes with “shoe” or something. Many poets go out of their way to rhyme, but it doesn’t appear that you did this. I love poetry that is able to rhyme well, so bravo!

As for the actual flow of the poem, I am a bit divided on whether I like it or not. On one hand you have an interesting style of free verse that seems to make every line connect with another like a sentence. Then, some of those sentences are broken up, breaking the consistency. For instance:

This nights dull
Trough the haze
THE SQUANDERED WAYS
SO MUCH CLARITY
Served with melancholy
On the tables
WAX INFECTED MEALS
DIMINISHING SIGHTS
JOYFUL LAST BITES

Every line I’ve put in caps seems to be a line that stands on its own without help from the other lines. This doesn’t seem to happen in any particular order, and this is why it puzzles me. I honestly sometimes can’t tell which lines go with which. The poem could look like this too for all I know:

This nights dull
Trough the haze
THE SQUANDERED WAYS
So much clarity
Served with melancholy
ON THE TABLES
Wax infected meals
Diminishing sights
JOYFUL LAST BITES

I can’t tell which lines connect to others, and I also can’t tell if this is a good thing, or an extremely amazing style that is practically ingenious. If it’s bad, try clearing up which lines go with the others and form sentence-like structures. Otherwise, if it contributes to the quality of the poem, keep this as it is. It might be brilliant. But still, the flow of the poem is interrupted by this confusion. The reader feels like they are going over speed bumps, getting confused. You don’t want your reader too confused. You also don’t want to interrupt how the poem flows off the tongue. If it seems like words are being broken up as you read, correct this unless you are emphasizing a word to prove an idea.

That’s all I have to say. I don’t often review poetry, and am usually one to review stories and chapters, but I hope I could help regardless.

-Storyworker

[Pollai]

Thank you. I had this play out a certain way in my mind, and the reason I don't post things like this is because of that precisely. But I can't be the judge of its quality and interpretation by others if I am the only reader. I wanted some feedback about if others could connect, and that's what I got here. I appreciate it greatly. I'll put more thought into how the flow and how connections can be percieved by others. I did write this as a concequence of insomnia, and the flow to me, is a reflection of wandering thoughts that jump from one to another.

[bobc]

P...you already received a detailed critique of this piece. I can only say that, in general, I concur with that review regarding meaning and accessibility. I would only add that, with some poetry, the structure on the page is very important if punctuation is abandoned. Structure can provide visual cues on how to the poem is to be read...where there are pauses or full stops for example. if you looked at this poem with that in mind, it might look a little different on the page...bobc

[Inda]

Love it and the last line really seals the deal, great piece!

[Anum Khan]

Beautifully written. Very abstract in nature, and I will agree with Storyworker - brilliant rhyming!

[Criss ;)]

Yeah, not a big deal, i liked this flow of yours so, you can drop here some more pieces of such kinda writings if you want, i'd indeedly love to read, i liked here the use of your high "VOCABULARY", i appreciated that a lot and i got something new this time from you if i truly say but don't you there's need to flourinsh more, i meant your some words seemed very apart from your ways, it seemed quite away from your thoughts but in somewhere, you can correct but and but i think as a poem you made that great and we understood what you wanted to say...your this writing is great and i wanna compare this write with me when i feel bore onclass and that situation to the tee works for me as same as you dropped here..lol :)
lovely and deep piece, i loved your IInd stanza much because i've seen there something new and to the hair acc. to your thoughts/tittle
The perplexed index
Of insomnia thoughts
That
Ran too deep
Barriers so cheap
It's disgusted the w****s
The moonlight weights
Revenge for its craters
Betraying counselled lovers...

have this 101/100, for your high vocabulary words and for your deep thoughts.

[Pollai]

Thank you for the review Criss :)

[Mike Emil]

what is Trough
i want some

'disgusted the w****s' yea most of them need to be written about more than scribbles in herculaneum

[Pollai]

Thank you for the review :) but can you expand a bit more on
what is Trough
i want some?

[Mike Emil]

explain yer definition of 'trough' and i'll let you know better

[Pollai]

A lowpoint or concave cavity, though I meant to type "through" so I misspelt lol; and you're the first to tell me.

[Mike Emil]

I am disappointed now that there is no greater meaning...I must confir with saki an plum wine now

[Pollai]

Haha, don't worry I won't be fixing it. I think the mistake plays into the piece.

[Mike Emil]

no, don't fix it!
never give in
never surrender
HAI!!!

[gombeggar]

blatant and raw...nice and pure that way

[Rogue]

I think the flow here is very smooth. It works it's way easily from one thought into another.
You say you typically don't post these.. Why? This is a very good piece of work. Though we'd like all moments to be filled with happiness and light, romance and the positive.. We all have our darker, quiet sides as well. Just about everyone can connect with pieces (if not all) of this in some way.
Be true to you and your feelings of the moment as you pen them down. This will always reflect in your works.

Again, this is a great piece from you. :)

[Pollai]

Thank you Rogue :). I don't mind if I get told some can't connect to the flow because poetry is meant to be different to whoever reads, but hearing that you did connect is great haha. I appreciate the words of encouragement. These moments are seldom, but I'll share if they produce anything else in the future.

[Ees]

In the first line I think it should be: "This night's dull"

I like poems that dip down a bit into seedy territory and this one does do that. thoughts turning to other thoughts the way that they do and only do when it is night. Great display of that! Nice execution in this poem.

Great job.

[Pollai]

You're right Ees it should be. Thank you for your thoughts.

[Baby Ricochet]

Love it, love it, love it. I have sleep disturbance problems and I've never written about it. I wouldn't know where to start but that's okay because you wrote it for me. Thank you Pollai.

[Pollai]

Thank you good sir!