Welcome To Hidden Academy!

"Dude, I can't believe that we are here!" Derek Said as he looked behind him and saw some Academy Students walking off the cruise ship

"This is pretty awesome, Its like a Mini-city." Jason said as he looked to his left and right

        Jason knew this Island was 50-miles long in every direction. He saw a few buildings in the distance, but he couldn't see anything else over the tree line. He looked out in front of him and saw a Japanese Gate, and saw everyone was going through there.

"That looks like that leads to orientation." Jason said as he pointed in that direction

"Sweet, I got some new wheels." Derek said as he took his skateboard off his back-pack

"Yeah, I need to stretch my legs too." Jason said as he did the same thing as he took his skate-board off his back and started to ride it

"Sweet, I was getting tired of grinding the same things on that boat." Derek said as he followed Jason n his skate-board

       Jason was a sixteen years old, excelled at most things in a normal day to day life.  He was about 5' 11, with Black short hair, with Blue eyes with traces of silver specs within them. He was a pretty chilled person, and it took a lot to piss him off. He was great at everything, if it was Sports or Math he would ace it. Jason took this application to the Hidden Academy, because the brochure said it was the most challenging thing anyone could come-up against. So of course Jason had to accept.

       Derek was 3 months younger than Jason, but he was the complete opposite. He sucked at everything that didn't include Skate-boarding or Video games. He had blonde hair, and Dark black eyes. He looked like a surfer when his shirt was off. He excelled at everything, because his best friend was Jason. Jason Tutored him, but after a test was over he would forget everything he was taught. Jason and Derek knew each ever since they children.

 "Look at this place, it is amazing." Derek said as he went from side-shop to side-shop. "Look they have everything, From great food to things I would love to give to my girlfriend, I mean look at all the hotties walking down this street" he said as he moved his eye-brows up and down as two of the girls looked at him and laughed

"That's only if you get one, and they don't run away." Jason said as he laughed

"Hey, that's not funny." Derek said with a fake mad face

Here, let me buy you a soda ." Jason said as he walked to the side and asked the merchant for two soda's

"This might make-up for what you said" Derek said as he grabbed one and took a sip

"Question, why do you keep carrying that ancient umbrella on your back?" Derek asked

"Like I've told you, this Umbrella has been in my Family for generations, and because I'm the last one in my Family, I inherited it, plus its helped me out a lot too." Jason explained for the millionth time

"Lets just get to the Orientation place, because I'm getting tired." Derek said with a yawn

"Yeah, but I'll be with you in a second." Jason said as he caught something in the corner of his eye

Derek looked to see what Jason was doing, but he realized it was what he normally does

"Go save the Damsels, and hurry back." Derek said as he put him hands on his head and rode forward down the street

      Here she was having the greatest time with her friend Angel, when 5 jerks push them in a corner of a dark alley.

"Well hello ladies, do you think it'll be fine if Me and my friends can show you guys around and give you two an amazing time?" The middle guy snickered as he tried to kiss her hand

"Bite me." She said as she pulled her hand from his

"Wow, look guys we got a feisty one!" The one guys said " well my name is Nick, this is Will, Turner, Samuel, and Jack, what's yours little one?" he asked angel

Angel wasn't paying attention, because she had her Pink-head phones on her head. But she needed to keep these guys away from her.

"My name is Katlin!" She said getting between Nick and Angel

"Ohh, no I wasn't talking to you" He said as he pushed her into Jack and Samuel and they grabbed her laughing "I was talking to the girl right here."

"So what your name little girl?" Nick asked again putting his arm on the wall above her head

"I don't have any business with you" Angel said firmly but quietly without opening her eyes to see her harasser she just went back to her music

"Don't you ignore me you little Bi-" He said as he grabbed her wrist and was cut short as someone interrupted him

"Well you know, hitting a girl isn't good for you." Jason said as he pressed his back against the wall at the end of the alley

"Get loss, Freshmen" Nick said as he looked back at the girl and licked his lips "This Fresh Meat is for us."

"Nick, right?" Jason asked "Can you get any creepier?"

"Your asking for it Freshmen," Nick said as he let go off the one girl and looked at Jason "I think you need to be taught a lesson." as he cracked his knuckles and all 5 morons faced him

"Wow, five against one that sounds fair too me." Jason said he knew that there was only one exit and Jason was standing at it "I'm surprised a moron like you can go to tactics like this!"

Jason observed that two of the morons had pocket knives, while the other two had bats in their hands on metal the other wood 

"I could make your head explode, with a snap of fingers." Nick gloated "But it'll be much more fun pounding you to a pulp!"

"I would love to see that happen" Jason said with a wide smile "But I've got a question, how many brain-cells did it take to conjure up that empty threat?"

"GET HIM!" Nick shouted and pointed to Jason

         Jason grabbed his board and rode off with it "You got to catch me first!" Jason said with a laugh

Jason can check the getting the Bully pissed and chasing after him off his list.

         He rode through the main rode with five goons chasing him with knives and bats. He grinded a few rails, taunting them. One swung his bat, but Jason easily dodged it. Another tried to stab him, but Jason grabbed his wrist and snapped the blade out off the guy's hand. But that's when it all changed because for some reason his board tipped forward and he flew off. He rolled off the ground and was back on his feet within a second.

They circled him, and waited

"You've got nowhere to run, you little pest!" Nick said

"Now its time for us to kick your a*s!" Turner said as he charged and swung his metal bat at Jason

          This time Jason didn't dodge the Bat, he grabbed it instead. Turner stood there in fear. But Jason changed that as he pulled the bat towards him, bent down a little and jabbed his elbow in Turners stomach. Turner couldn't breathe as he fell to the ground.

"Big talk, for a child." Jason said as he stretched his back out a bit

"Now your going to get it!" Jack said as he and Samuel charged him

        Samuel attacked from behind and Jack attacked from the front. Samuel tried to stab Jason, and Jack was weaponless from earlier and swung his fist. Jason step-sided Samuel and grabbed his wrist and pulled him towards himself. But Jason ducked and let Samuel take the punch from Jack knocking him out cold. Jack tried to apologize, but was short-lived when Jason upper-cutted Jack and sent him flying under Nicks feet.

"Wow, look at this your all alone!" Jason said as he pretended to look around for Nicks supporters

"That's it, now its over" Nick said as he raised his palm and ignited a ball of fire "It's time you learned your place Freshmen!"

"WHAT THE HELL!" Jason said completely surprised taking a step back

"Bolide" Nick said as he pointed his hand at Jason

Jason's eye's widened as the Fireball grew bigger and got closer to him. But then there was a bright Light, blinding him. Jason blinked the spots out of eyes, and saw a man standing in front of him. He was tall, probably and inch or two bigger than Jason.

"Now, Mister Eden?!" The old man said "You know its against the rules to challenge someone to a magic duel outside of the arena. Now you and your buddies can go and think of what you've done while in detention! Plus, I want you to write a 5,000 word apology letter, to this young man, and the girls you harassed in that alley-way, their names will be waiting on your desk."

"But Headmaster Odi-" Nick said as he and buddies went away in a poof

"Umm...." Jason was a loss of words

"Oh don't worry about it, I was going to intercept them before you did, but you seemed to beat me to the catch." The Head-Master said with a chuckle, it was a nice homey fell type of laugh "Why don't you get your friend...Umm...Derek Hope and meet me in my office, that's were you two will have your orientation."

"But the two girls..." Jason started

"Don't worry, you'll meet them again soon enough!" The Headmaster said "I'll take care of those trouble makers, so here follow this and it'll take you to my office."

        The Headmaster said as he handed him a small paper-airplane

"And I'll be off!" The Headmaster said as he went in a poof as well

        Jason look at the paper-airplane, and he didn't realize people had circled him during the fight and were muttering to each other.

"What did I get myself into?" Jason asked himself

Author's Note

So this is my first chapter, that I've ever made and published so all you awesome Girls/Guys can read it. And Anyone who reviews this can help me get the motivation to write more, I hope you enjoy.
P.S.
I'll take any negative reviews, because it'll help me out a lot and it won't bother me, plus Positive comments are appreciated :)

Reviews

[EileenM]

I agree with Kaiju. Your characters aren't believable as written. Jason has all these amazing skills against 5 guys in a magical place?

Which sounds like Hogwarts?

If what you want is a place where Jason and Derek can go, become powerful whatever-it-is, then create your own world. Don't borrow. This is thinly disguised even if it's unintentional. If you want to go parody, that's another thing. But it should be more clear, in that case, that it's a parody - mock the names of the characters, the ship, the island, etc.

Think more about what you want from your characters, and more importantly, your plot. Do a plot outline (something I hate, and truly suck at.) It's a necessary evil and one I've found most professional writers do. A simple one will do.

Try doing character sheets. Another thing I hate doing, but it helps refine your major characters, and again, many professional writers use them. The purpose is to look at who they are, what their beliefs are, what do they look like - so YOU can be consistent. Believe me, your readers will find inconsistencies and will stop reading if there are too many. And.... they'll help make your characters more believable.

This first section has some big issues, yes. However, if you think about what Kaiju has said, and add on a few things of what I've said, you could make this your own, and better than it is.

And I'd want to read more than the first section. Keep writing!

[barda421]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I was trying to "How should I say" bring the story in piece by piece. Yeah Jason is basically a mortal superman in the Human World, but when he reaches Hidden Academy it all changes because hes one in the same with everyone else. He only took down those 5 guys because they were following the rules "I'm going to explain those in a later chapter" but when Nick broke one of those rules "Using Magic when is not permitted" That's when the Head-master showed-up, even though he was going to talk to Jason anyway, Nick basically moved the story on faster.
But like I said before any comments are helpful either if they are positive or negative is doesn't change the fact that they are opinions, that I can either take into consideration or they are just useless. You and Kaiju have helped out a lot since I've started writing on my free-time, So I thank you. And with every review people put up here makes my writing better every time I submit something new. I hope this didn't drag on too much as I think it has, but I will be using the Tips that you and Kaiju have provided.

[Jordan]

I hate to be THAT GUY, especially as your first review.

The characters just aren't very believable or easy to relate to. I can tell it's very anime influenced(no problem with that, I'm a Dandy Guy myself) and I feel that you're trying to put ani-manga into purely word format. Things are lost in translation between two mediums.

Maybe the character fits perfectly in an ani-manga world, maybe I'm just not one of the people who can relate and be part of the audience, but when trying to read it I just can't believe the characters.

If the reader can't relate, then it's impossible to really read. Ani-manga is fueled by visual stimuli and requires less from the audience because it's practically stated for them. Books, on the other hand, require the reader's imagination. Even illustrated books require some measure of imagination from the reader.

Maybe it's a case of Superman Syndrome. Like I said, the characters are unbelieveable and I can't relate to them in any way. Take your description of the main character,

" Jason was a Sixteen years old, who completed middle-school at 7 years-old. He was about 5' 11, with Black short hair, with Blue eyes with traces of silver specs within them. He was a pretty chilled person, and it took a lot to piss him off. He was great at everything, if it was Sports or Math he would ace it."

Superman Syndrome is when your character is TOO perfect. I mean, sure, you want to emphasize how amazing your character is. But there are a few things wrong with this.

1. Too Perfect- Can he shoot lightning from his arse, too?
2. Show, Don't Tell- If you want to emphasize how awesome your character is, SHOW the audience. DON'T tell them. Have him doing amazing things. Use his knowledge and athleticism. But don't over do it to the point where nothing is a challenge.
3. Reflection of Fantasy Self- I feel like maybe you're living vicariously through your character. You make him everything you wish you could be. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but don't feel bad if it's true. That's what imagination is, really. Picturing a world we wished existed. But there's a time when it's very obvious that the author is living his or her fantasy through their works. George R. R. Martin is one example. He lives vicariously through his Game of Thrones characters, which is creepy given the amount of lewdness in them.

I don't mean this to be pure negative criticism. I hope you take this constructively. Or don't take it at all. Like I said, maybe I'm not the right kind of person to be in the audience. But remember, writing is a never ending improvement process and we all have to start somewhere. Keep it up!

[barda421]

Thanks, that actually help me out a lot. That review is exactly what I needed. So do you think I should rewrite this chapter or fix the few issues?

[Jordan]

Well, being the expert that I am(kidding), I would say just adjust him a little more. Nerf him, so to speak. Maybe instead of making it a story where through his greatness he accomplishes everything, you flip that and he becomes great through his struggles. But it's your story. You have to tell it. Don't let me write it for you.

[barda421]

Yeah, I get what you mean. Because the way I was going to write this was how Jason is the perfect person in the human world, but when he gets the The Forgotten World he'll be just another normal being like the rest of the students. But I think I can change it up little too.

[Jordan]

Turn him down a few notches. He's set to 11 right now. I think a 9 in the human world and 7 in their world would be a pretty good place to go. Because you still get the "wow!" factor but you can also make him the "at first I was cocky, but I realized I have a lot to learn!" guy.




speaking of dandy I'm behind on my 'sodes...

[barda421]

Thanks for that review, because that has seriously opened my mind. So I thank you again.

[Jordan]

Any time. Also, this site tends to shrink text. It's usually a good idea to make sure your font in big enough. The site has some quirks you get used to after a while.

[barda421]

Thanks for that advice, duly noted

[barda421]

I would never do that, but I'll be going asleep now because its 2:20 in the morning. So thank you for all the Tips and Advice you've given me, and I hope you read more chapters of mine in the later future.