slowly dying from the inside

She seems to live with the constant pain inside of her. Pain over here and pain over there. There’s pain in her heart, pain in her soul, pain in her mind, pain in her skin and pain in her bones. The pain inside of her hurts like a knife stabbing her heart a million times over, inside she feels like no one cares, she’s not good enough and it’s killing her. She’s going through family problems; boy drama and also making sure her friends are okay. She seems to think of others way before she thinks of herself, she likes to help others even when she’s dying inside… but no one knows. It’s amazing how much one smile can hide. No one ever knows what goes on behind hidden doors. She cries herself to sleep every night, sometimes not even knowing why. Pain being caused from left to right by people she never thought could ever possibly hurt her. Pains being caused till her heart starts to bleed red, pains being caused till her skin and bones rip, pain being caused till she breaks into tears that never seem to stop. Pain at her school full of judgmental people who don’t care so she doesn’t say a word and so she just pretends to smile. Pain at home where no one seems to appreciate her because to them she can’t do anything, she’s useless. Pain in her heart as it still hasn’t been mended, it’s shattered on the floor and she doesn’t have the strength to pick up the pieces. The pain is happening in her sleep, happening in her thoughts, in the shower, in her room especially when she’s all alone. She’s going through pain every hour, every minute, and every second of her life. Her pain is caused by anger and hate, caused by all the hurt she tried so hard not to show, it’s caused by sorrow and depression, family, friends, grief and mostly confusion. The world has caused her so much pain that she has lost faith in humanity and love. She seems to have it stuck in her mind that the people will always leave her like they always have and they never come back, pain caused by the people she loves dearly. The pain is driving her crazy, causing her to take pills till it fills up her veins. She goes to sleep hoping to never wake and see the light. The light that she’s hoping will end her pain for good.

Reviews

[TOF_Matt]

Hmm, this is a little to emo for my personal taste since I'm a pretty upbeat guy. More than anything it seems like a very raw dump of emotion, like a journal entry. If this is reflecting some type of personal experience, then I wish you all the best and hope you find light in your life somewhere other than drugs or alcohol. Life is often a reflection of how we choose to see it. You can find proof in that homeless man on the street who still smiles and greets everyone who walks by, or the child in Africa who sits in school for an entire day then comes home and has to carry 40 lbs buckets of water from the well to home. A great Japanese proverb once says, "fall down 8 times, get up 9 times." I hope you can find the strength to do that and use your writing as an outlet for your over-spilling emotion.

[Dewella~Vintella]

For the most part this was a good start. It has a lot of emotion and leaves you wondering who this girl is, and what her story is.

I have a few suggestions, the first would be to break it up into a couple different paragraphs. Everything is bunched together and kinda runs together when reading. Separating it makes it easier on the reader and gives you room to work into other thoughts.

Also, try finding another word for pain, or other ways to describe pain; Using the same word a few times in a piece is okay, but over and over lessen the impact of emotion value.

"She seems to live with constant pain inside of her. Sorrow over here, despair over there. There are cracks in her heart, claws in her soul; Depression in her mind, needles in her skin and in her bones. The pain inside of her tears her like a knife, stabbing her heart a million times over. Inside she feels like no one care, like she is not good enough and its killing her."

The only other thing I would suggest is your use of commas, try swapping them out for periods, or semi colas.

Other than that, I think you did a good job on the first try, you bring in a lot of emotion, and you rise a lot of questions in the readers mind. :)

Hope this helps, let me know if you have any other questions.

Vinny~

Example.