Chapter 1

Jason moves to a new town

Love. Is it myth? Or is it real? I used to think it was only a myth. That’s what I thought all my life until I met... her. My name is Jason Washington. What best describes me? Well, I am a normal 17 year old high school student. What people don’t know about me is that I am champion. Actually, I am a video game champion. I took part in many tournaments and won. I was also loved by many towns people. My home was and always will be Elmer City, Washington. That was a unique little town and I loved it there. I had the best friends any teenager could ask for. Before my junior year of high school, my parents: Scott and Ramona Washington, got job offers in Columbus, Ohio as company executives for a company that makes cigarettes. I personally didn’t approve of it, but I had to deal with it.
A month before we moved, we had the car packed and ready. We drove to the park where all my friends were waiting. I said good-bye to them. The one person I was sad about leaving behind, was my ex-girlfriend: Roxanne Flowers. She was a great girl, smart, beautiful, and everything a guy could ask for. She always had a rose in her hair, which made me attracted to her at first. She had long brown hair with yellow highlights. Me and her had dated for close to two years. When I told her I was moving, she burst into tears. I stood there, just scratching my head and thinking what to say.
“Roxanne. I promise you this. When I graduate, I will return for you and we will run away together. I promise.”
“B-But what if you meet someone new and you start to love her?” said Roxanne as she cried.
“That will never happen. Even if I meet some girl, she won’t be as amazing as you. Trust me.”
“I-I do. Can I ask you something Jason?”
“Anything.”
“Can we share one last kiss before you go?”
“Yes.” I said as I smiled.
Roxanne smiled. We closed in together and locked lips. We kissed for a few minutes before I heard a familiar voice.
“Jason Come on honey It is time to go ” yelled my mom, Ramona.
I hugged her tightly and gave her a final kiss. My best friends ran over and gave me man hugs. They released me, and I started to cry. I wiped my tears and walked to the car. I opened the door and looked at the friends I was leaving behind. They all waved. I waved back and slowly got into the car. I shut the door, buckled up, and my dad, Scott, drove. I looked out the back window and saw that they were all still waving. Roxanne was on her brothers shoulder, pouring out tears. I waved back some more. Roxanne looked up and waved. I blew her a kiss, and she blew me one back.
As we turned the corner, they vanished. I was never going to see the love of my life ever again. I knew I had to keep my promise to her. I sat back down and sighed. I started to cry.
“Don’t worry honey. You’ll find someone new in Columbus.” said mom.
I wish I could believe her. Maybe I will find someone new, but she won’t ever replace Roxanne Flowers. I laid down and cried myself to sleep. When I woke up a few hours later, we had entered Idaho. I knew I was going to be bored for the next day and a half. The only times we stopped were to eat or go to the bathroom. After over 24 hours of extreme boredom, we finally arrived in Columbus, Ohio.
As we drove through the city, I saw the tall buildings, and busy people. Many were going to work or coming home from work. It was a bad sight in my opinion. There was a crossing guard in the middle of the street. It was kinda like the ones you saw in movies. Anyway, we continued on, gazing at the city. We soon came to a quiet little town outside of Columbus. I believe it was called London, Ohio. It wasn’t like the London over in England. It was mainly quiet, except with many kids playing outside. I shook my head in disgust.
“Dad, it’s not too late to turn around.”
“Nonsense Plus, we are here.”
I looked out and saw a two story house. We went up the driveway and parked outside the front of the garage. We got out and looked at the house.
“What do you think sweety?” asked mom.
“Sucks.”
“Don’t say that It is perfect.”
I shook my head.
“Look son. I know you are probably upset about leaving Roxanne and all your friends behind. I would be too. On the bright side, you are going to have fun making new friends.”
I looked at dad with nothing but anger.
“I don’t want new friends I want my old friends AND Roxanne I hate it here I wanna go home Now ”
“Look boy This is your home now, whether you like it or not Now go unpack your things and pick your room Now ” yelled dad.
I did as he said. I picked up a box labeled: Jason’s Things, and carried it inside.
“I think you were kinda harsh on him Scott.”
“Yeah. You’re right. I feel bad now. He is just upset about leaving Roxanne. Should we give him his gift now?”
“Yes. I think that will make him feel better.”
Mom and dad went inside and poked around to try and find me. They found my room in the first door when you first enter the house and go up the stairs. They poked inside and saw me crying with a picture of Roxanne in my hand. My tears landed on the picture, but it was guarded by a glass frame. I looked behind me and saw my parents.
“What do you guys want? Can’t you see I am depressed enough as it is?”
“We have something for you sport.” said dad.
He handed me a small box. I was puzzled and confused. I opened it and grabbed out a webcam. I was shocked and my hands were trembling. I looked up at my parents.
“Is this what I think it is?”
“Yes son. You can hook it up to your laptop and talk to Roxanne anytime you want. After schoolwork of course.” said dad.
“Oh, thank you guys So much ”
I ran to them and hugged them both. Tears were falling out of my eyes.
“I’m going to try it now ”
They smiled at me and went downstairs. I quickly hooked it up to my laptop. I did the instructions and soon, it was up and running. I typed in Roxanne’s email and soon, they SKYPE screen was up. On the screen it said: Searching for connection. After three minutes of waiting, the girl I loved so much was on screen. She looked at the screen and put her hands over her mouth and started to cry.
“Jason Is that really you? ”
“Yeah Roxy. It’s me. I really miss you babe”
She smiled and blew me a kiss. I did the same. We talked and talked for about two hours before my mom came in my room.
“Come on sweety. Time to continue unpacking.”
“K, mom. Roxy, I gotta go. Wanna do this again tonight at 8?”
“Yeah. I’d like that. Love you.” said Roxanne
“Love you too. Bye.”
The screen went blank. I got up, and went downstairs with my mom. After an hour of heavy lifting, we finally got all of our things inside our new house. I quickly ran up to my room and looked around. Four posters of my favorite singer: Marilyn Manson were hanging on the right side of the room. Below them, was my dresser where I kept my T.V., PS3, and Wii. Behind the door, was the closet where I kept my shirts, pants, shoes, and more. My bed was in the upper left corner of the room. My sheets and pillow cases, had my favorite super hero on them: Spider-Man. On the left side, was another dresser, and inside a drawer is where I kept all my video games. On top of that dresser was all my trophies. At my bedside, was a picture of my girl: Roxanne. I bathed in the awesomeness of the room. My bathing was interrupted by a yell.
“Son Get down here Company ”
I ran downstairs and saw a 48 year old red headed lady with a 17 year old boy and they were talking to my parents. The 17 year old wore a Johnny Cash t-shirt, with tight black jeans and skateboarding shoes. He also had on a lip ring and an earring in his right ear. I came down the steps and the two strangers saw me.
“Hello. You must be Jason.” said the lady.
“Yes Ma’am.” I said as I shook her hand.
“I am Julie Turner. This handsome young man is my 17 year old son: Adam.”
“Hi.” said Adam.
“Your parents tell me you are a junior this year. So is Adam. He can show you around the school when the year starts.”
“That would be nice. Thank you.” I said.
She smiled and giggled.
“Jason, why don’t you show Adam your room. Get to know each other a little bit?” said mom.
“Okay. Come on Adam”
He followed me up the stairs and we didn’t say a word to each other. I opened the door and let him inside my room first. He looked around and didn’t say anything. He looked at my trophies and was in shock.
“You are a video game champion?”
“Yeah. 5 time champion of Elder City, Washington. That’s where I am from. How long have you lived here?”
“All my life. It’s not the best town ever, but I have fun here.”
He walked to my bed. He looked at the picture and picked it up.
“Who is this hot babe? Sister?”
“No. My girl back home. Roxanne Flowers. I had to end it when I moved.”
“Woah. Bummer dude. Sorry to hear that.”
“It’s fine.”
“So you’re a gamer? I am one myself. I mainly play Zelda, Mario, Batman, etc. Not the best, but I have fun. Heh.”
“Heh. So what is the high school like?”
“It’s ok. Fair warning, since you are technically the ‘new kid’, jocks will ‘teach’ you the rules. But, don’t let it bother you.”
“Anything else?”
“There are some awesomely hot girls in our class. Maybe you’ll get a new girlfriend soon.”
“I don’t want a new girlfriend. Roxanne is the only one I want.”
“If you say so. Trust me, your mind will change soon. School starts next week on this day; which is Tuesday.”
“Okay. Wanna go back downstairs?” I asked.
“Sure. You’re a real good friend Jason.”
“Thanks. You too man.”
I shook his hand and we went back downstairs. When we got downstairs, Adams mom looked at us.
“Sweety, we are staying for dinner.”
“Cool. What we having?” asked Adam.
“Meatloaf.” said dad.
Adam and me nodded our heads. We went into the kitchen to see how dinner was coming along. The oven read 2:09. A little over two hours before dinner was ready. I looked at Adam.
“Two hours before dinner is ready. What do ya wanna do?”
“Hmm...” he thought. “Play some Mortal Kombat?”
“Sure!” I replied.
We ran up the stairs and I caught a glimpse of my parents. They were smiling. I stopped at the top of the stairs and caught what they were saying.
“Looks like your boy found himself a friend.” said the lady.
“Yes. Jason was always good at making friends.” said Scott.
I smiled and ran to my room, where Adam had already started up the game. I grabbed my controller and spaced out. Thinking about Roxanne, my friends, and my future plans for this new school. What surprises awaited me? What new girls would I see? Who would I make friends with? Only time will tell.

Author's Note

First Draft. Read and comment :)

Reviews

[PokemonFan#1]

Amazing beginning Barakanaga16! I like how it is progressing so far. A very good chapter! Well written! (Though there were a few errors, but I see Taylor H. said she messaged you, so it should be okay...Maybe? IDK) I look forward to reading the next chapter!

Keep it up!
=^_^=

[Aarontastic]

I don't really care for this story as it is now. There are a lot of problems with it, imo, so I think it is in need of some major editing...I'd suggest ironing things out with it now while you're still on the first chapter. Since this is just your draft, I'm betting that you were probably just getting down the rough outline of the story, and planning on working on it some later. I'll try my best to offer some good suggestions.

You have good spelling, but sometimes your grammar is a bit off. That's just a minor detail and I won't get very much into that; basically you just added more commas then necessary in a few lines at the beginning, so watch out for those.

I would highly recommend adding some spacing in-between paragraphs, and perhaps even your dialogue sequences (with a new line for whenever a different person speaks), just in order to increase the readability of it. Right now it is a little bit crammed together.

Besides those tiny issues, there are some more major things that bothered me about your story: firstly, the lack of realism and consistency in some of your characters, and secondly, what I would consider to be poor pacing and 'missing' scenes.

I noticed that several of your characters, including the protagonist, his father, and Adam acted rather bizarrely at times. The protagonist was the worst offender: he couldn't seem to make up his mind whether or not he was still in a relationship with Roxanne or not. Several times, he cries over his now distant 'girl back home', and he seems very eager to keep his promise to return to her after graduating. On the other hand, he seems rather ambivalent in some of the narrative scenes that reference their relationship. My point will probably be clearer if I just show you some bits from the story:

"“Roxanne. I promise you this. When I graduate, I will return for you and we will run away together. I promise.”
“B-But what if you meet someone new and you start to love her?” said Roxanne as she cried.
“That will never happen. Even if I meet some girl, she won’t be as amazing as you. Trust me.”=>that is a very evasive answer XD

"was never going to see the love of my life ever again. I knew I had to keep my promise to her." =>those two statements seem to contradict each other.

"Maybe I will find someone new, but she won’t ever replace Roxanne Flowers." =>also a contradiction.

“No. My girl back home. Roxanne Flowers. I had to end it when I moved.”
“Woah. Bummer dude. Sorry to hear that.”
“It’s fine.” =>So he's ended it now? doesn't sound too concerned either.

Hopefully you can see from that what I am trying to say; it just is not clear exactly what the protagonist's intentions or feelings are. If he is confused and doesn't know himself, I think that you should spell that out more explicitly, because I'm guessing that this relationship is kind of central to your whole story.

Okay, so with the main chr. aside, let me talk about his father and Adam briefly. The former is ok for the most part, but in the scene where the family first arrives at their new home, he snaps at his son for no reason apparently. Adam, the boy that he met at the end of this chapter, seems like a really nice kid, but even nice kids do not make friends with strangers that fast; it's been a few years since I was in hs, but I don't think that two people who just met would declare each other "good friends" like you have these two doing.

So those are my issues with the realism factor of your story--some of the characters don't seem to be acting like real people to me yet.

Then there's the pacing problem. By that I simply mean that there doesn't seem to be a good flow or balance between separate scenes in your story. There are also some missing parts that I think you should fill in, like the 2 hours of conversation that the protagonist and Roxanne have after he hooks up his webcam. Surely that must be important?

So those are my suggestions and inputs, basically. I hope you find them a little bit helpful in going forward; I feel like there is a good story here if you can make the chars. act more realistically and make sure there is a good flow and enough information in the story. Also, it's super important to clear up Jason's feelings about his girl!! good luck

btw, a lot of the other reviewers make good points about originality of the subject and sentence variety; those are two things I forgot to mention but I agree that you will have to get creative with this material if you want it to be appealing to others, and I'd encourage you to experiment more with your sentences.

[Max_E_Stone]

It's a very good first draft and a good story overall. Looking forward to reading more!

[quarintine_deathangel]

Not bad but a little bit lacking in any action going on, just mostly drama and reality. Then again, I prefer fast and furious series over the notebook XD Your plot needs a little life and that is being foreshadowed so next chapter will prolly be pretty interesting. You should totally put in a skateboard competition and betrayal from a newfound friend. It seems interesting and eventful so far. Nice. btw These are suggestions and you're the author, so your choice 0.

[Roxi L]

It defiantly starts out a little rough. Also he seems a little immature for being 17. The names are a little cheesy, Josh Washington and he lives in Washington, Roxanne Flowers and she always has a flower in her hair. Sounds like a children's book. Lastly this is a really over used concept. I've heard this before. Try and make it more original.

Writing keeps the dream alive
~V~

[SwagMaster]

Good beginning, with quite a few punctuation and grammar errors, but nothing a little once-over can't fix.:)

[Ramsey's Rebellion]

I had trouble reading past the first paragraph. It starts out a little rough, but I will chalk that up to maybe an unfamiliarity with the first person point of view. There aren't a lot of good examples of first person lying around. :) I would remove the "life story" feeling and the best way to do this is to ask yourself this question.

Does this sentence/information change the story or add to it in a significant way?

If the answer is no, its got to go!

In the second paragraph I felt like the idea of a guy being attracted to a girl because she puts a rose in her hair to be a little bit of a stretch. The rose is a nice bit, but I don't think this helps make the character believable. Also, who can afford to put a rose in her hair every day?

I like the fact that you use dialog. A lot of writers are afraid to let their characters interact with each other. Keep it up man! If you write a little bit every day and take the advice that smart people give you, then you just might make a writer out of yourself!

[Tai Ryens]

This was sweet and awfully morose, I see major complications coming to this novel in time. You could use a bit of work on your grammar and punctuation, especially regarding capitalization. One more thing, some parts, to me at least, seem exaggerated and taken too seriously, but that's just me. Other than those two, I see no problem. Great job!

[Mrs.Blesh15]

that was sweet and sad. I felt sad for Jason and Roxanne. i can't wait to see what is in store for Jason.

[JadeForever]

i think it was a little on the long side...but it was alright overall...i especially liked the beginning more then the end..try to make it a tad bit more interesting..