To Brett

A close friend who committed suicide, and shocked me, nearly to death.

To Brett                                 
1982 - 2003

Sometimes I wonder, what would have changed,
if I had said yes and we crept away to some secluded
place in the dark to talk, and giggle and explore
each other. I, bashfully, said no. And it remained
that we were just friends.
But we did often talk all night and giggle too.
Didn't we?

I could not have been your girl.
You were too pretty, too charming
too much- for me. My gut told me no,
tied me in a knot, and won me over. Time
would convince me later that you were not so bad.
Not just another perfect face looking for an easy lay.
We were friends, though, Brett.
Weren't we?

We were just  friends.
We were not soul mates or lovers-
could not have been, and I know it.
So did you. I think. But if I had said yes,
how our lives - yours
might have changed.

How much time would have been enough, time
to change your course, from spiraling out of control?
How much time would it have taken to keep you
from losing your grip
on hope and replacing it with despair and vicodin?

I know we would not have had a story book ending.
You were not my prince nor I your princess,
because we were not meant to be. But
if I could- I would trade just a little time and say, yes.
And make you happy  just for a little while.

We were friends, Brett.
What are friends for?