Is This Goodbye, Then?

*******

hello.
i said goodbye now.
but I still want to see you
I want to just..hug you one last time..
or just touch your fingers..

but our goodbye was none of that.
and it’s not mine or your ‘fault’

i just think that maybe I miss you?

 

you and i both know we can’t do this again.
we can’t.
so why am i still dreaming,
wishing,
hoping?

about tiff.
I wish you luck.
three months must feel like a long time to chase someone.
I think even I know that.

ugh.
I wish I could be more sensible.

remember when we got into that nothing fight?

I don’t even remember what it was about anymore.
and you were trying to talk to me on the bus.
but  I was being childish and hiding under my coat,
until you gave up and I got mad at that.

why?

why was I so childish?
why couldn’t I just grow up??
what made me change and realize this now?

I wish you could answer my questions these days.
I wish you could warn me away from people,
and I wish that I would actually listen.

unlike the time I didn’t.
looking back, I know I should have.
I know.

and I’m still not holding a grudge against him or anything.
that’s in the past and all.

I just want to talk about it.

I want to tell the truth.
bryan, if you’re reading this;
this is all in the past.
and I consider it all forgotten.

anyway.
so yes, I had been flirting with him too much.
I should have stayed away like you said.

I should have

listened.

and so I guess one of those days I just couldn’t take it for some reason.
I was so pathetic.

Right, Destiny? Jayme?
fine. whatever. you were right. I agree. big deal.

back to the story.
I broke down again.
one of those days where the pain inside wasn’t helping
with the fact that you and her were around every corner.

so I’m clothed in the normal garb.

black.
eyeliner.
unwashed hair.
(remember I stopped caring pretty much about my hygeine)

and I’m breaking down as soon as I sit down.
he comes and tries comforting me.
and it went downhill from there.

it’s okay, I won’t put any details.

but I already felt like s**t.
he saw that,
but he went ahead.

why not?

I didn’t really matter as a person, of course.
so I got taken advantage of when I am at most vulnerable.

that makes so much perfect sense.

that’s a character shout-out there.
‘I don’t care really how much she’s in pain right now,
I just want to get in her pants, really.
ooh, what a perfect time.
she’s vulnerable. yes!!”

really?
you’re a great person.

but back to you.
of course, you got off with her
before that happened.

man.
I so wish you hadn’t. I wish you were there and I called out your name in a squeaky voice
to save me.
from what could have been avioded if I just listened to you.

why didn’t I listen to you?!

and, of course, when I first told you, those were your words,
“I told you so. I told you what would happen.”

yeah?
well I can see that you obvioiusly never really cared, either.
because then you and him are best buds after that.
laughing.
joking.

made me sick.
and even worse off then before.

nobody took my side,
besides Em.
Jayme, Lacey.. they thought they knew the truth.

girls.. I wish you really did.
but it’s too late for that now.

both of you ripped into me.
but it wasn’t as bad as other people would,
before,
and after.

my first year of high school was a catastrophe.

I wish I could change so many things.

like,

the time you had given up on us ever kissing.
and I was hanging all over you ( and you don’t remember this, im sure)
and Adam was coming down the hallway.
so you told me you were going to go talk to him.
but he was coming this direction anyway,
so I acted like Princess Pathetic,
as you fought my desperate arms off of you,
like the germ that I am.

wow.
today is a negative one, isn’t it?

let’s try and find a happier one.

 

 

okay.
this is one you don’t know about.

so I’ll tell you now.
because it makes me laugh

my hidden secret.

okay. so before the Epic Fail of attempt one at kissing me?
well we were hugging by my locker one day.

(this is so embarrassing)

well..

I sneezed.
and..
and well..
snot kindof got all over that skull hoodie you had.
(the one that you gave to Oscar)
and the five bell rang,
so I kinda just left it there.

I know.

how disgusting!
but I find it hilarious.

so ha.

i..
I’m never going to see you again,
do you know that?

I said goodbye because I knew it was.
that was the end.
I don’t want that ending,
but I chose it for myself.
why?

can you make a better one?

I’ve always liked your ideas better than my own.

okay,
goodbye for now.



p.s. biscuit says ‘hi’