It's Not That Hard To Remember

*******

 

"i guess it's safe to say

you're never coming back.

and i understand

why you wouldn't want to.

 

i guess it's up to me to find a way to get to you.

and i can't see you

getting used to

 

living in the midst of your perfection

and i'm so lost

how can you trust?

somewhere the sun is always shining

and there's just one last thing that i have to say

as we reflect on the mess of all this i've made

 

it was cowardice that made me push you away

i was so afraid

'cause you were so much better than me."

 

i don't want to apologize to you.

simple enough,

i guess.

but,

i still want to see you again.

 

strange as that seems.

i know how things are now.

and i'm not asking for anything.

we can't go there again.

we know that.

at least,

i do.

i've still been remembering things.

like,

the time with your shirt.

 

you know how i loved your smell.

and my church was having a retreat.

i invited emily.

and we came up with the idea to be

all scary and dark.

 

i told her it'd be cool if she wore her MushroomHead t-shirt

and if i wore your Slayer.

she really wanted to do that.

so i told you about the idea.

not asking for the shirt, but trying to get you to give it to me.

i can see you in my mind, still exactly what happened.

you asked me if i wanted it.

i don't remember what exactly i said.

probably something stupid, knowing me.

but you got me to say yes.

and you took it off right there

and handed it to me.

i loved that night.

because

well,

call me a freak.

call me obsessed,

because i'm still writing to you.

it's okay.

the rumors you spread about me to you friends

and girls

and ex-girls,

they just show me that i don't matter to you anymore.

 

that's what we both want, right?

not to matter to the other anymore.

well, then i'll be honest.

that night was great

because i slept in your shirt

and it smelled like you

so i dreamt of you,

and when i woke up,

i smelled like you.

how about when i returned it?

after we weren't what we were,

when you caved on her again,

and your mom told you that i need to give you your shirt back.

 

so one day,

i see you plastered against her.

you two are such the lovely couple.

the idea hatches in my mind.

 

i shout your name until your trance breaks.
i whip the stupid shirt at you,
and it hits her in the face.
you should have seen the look she gave me.

she hated me.
oh, the days.

 

i can't do this anymore.
goodnight.