The Beginning- Day One

Sometimes,

 

I scare myself.

 

It's like I don't feel anything.
and not feeling has started to scare me.

 

I'm numb and I don't know why.

 

There was a point today when I thought I found myself again.

I had a spark of feeling.

then it was gone.

 

and I'm scared.

I don't want to feel like this.

I want to have emotions.

I don't want to be fake anymore.

I want to be real.

 

I don't want to lean on him anymore.

He doesn't matter, right?

We decided that a long time ago.

He's not worth it.

and I can do better.

and he really was asleep.

and I'm not going to end up like her.

or, as they said,

 

 

 

 

just.

like.

her.

 

 

 

 

 

You know?

Those words tore me apart.

They tore

 

us

 

apart.

Everything went downhill,

remember?

 

 

you know?

i only dated him

because i

i thought

thought that

maybe

maybe dating another, different boy would give me hope.

hope was the real reason,

world.

your question

is answered.

 

are you happy now?

 

you know?

i wish i could feel enough to miss you.

 

instead, it's like there is a movie playing inside my head

and instead of me laughing and crying at the right parts,

im

emotionless.

 

why?

 

and i don't blame you.

and who knows?

maybe i'll find somebody else

and this won't matter anymore.

 

but do you think i'll really forget?

everything?

i'll forget everything?

really?

 

because i don't.

 

i don't need to forget that time we were holding hands, reaching across people.

i don't want to forget the first kiss.

or the second first kiss.

and then, the way i went home,

laughing.

i haven't laughed like that since, you know.

i laughed for hours.

hours.

 

hysterically.

 

 

 

 

i don't want to forget the first time we met.

i don't want to forget that really big fight we had.

that really big one.

the one that was bigger than all the rest.

 

i don't want to forget your mom's pajamas.

i don't want to forget that she's a major Sox fan.

i don't want to forget the first time i met your sister.

or what happened at homecoming.

 

i don't want to forget the clown cars, godzilla, LOST, Dr. Phil,

i don't want to forget Reno 911, or

shooting stars.

i don't want to forget telescopes or grenades or cards or..

 

it was fun, wasn't it?

at first,

at least.

when we'd take walks.

and when you actually asked me out.

and that big spider that was on the tree.

you know what im talking about.

dont say you dont remember.

because i do.

 

hey.

look i

i think this is good for us.

we couldn't handle each other any other way.

because we've tried everything else, right?

i mean,

we tried dating first.

 

that fell apart.

for reasons we're both held accountable for,

right?

you can help me in understanding that.

you and i might not know who broke up with who,

(you broke up with me!)

but yeah.

we fell apart.

whether you cheated on me or not.

whether i lied to you about everything.

whether my life was hell,

and so was yours,

or not.

 

you know what?

speaking of,

i was a good person with the whole thing.

why was i so good about it?

why did i let you and her

 

walk

 

all

 

over

 

me?

 

i did,

and i know it.

it used to hurt so much, you know.

 

you wouldn't,

i guess.

 

but anyways,

we tried dating,

yes.

then we stopped talking.

but, at Christmas,

who called who?

 

and don't even try to tell me that

you made the decision by answering the phone.

thats just.

ugh.

thats just you,

i guess.

 

but then you were dating her,

and we were..

we weren't something,

but we were

somehow,

something.

 

that didn't work either.

 

so then i tried being your friend.

that was pretty hard.

 

you were so persistent in trying to get something out of me.

for weeks,

everyday,

it was the same question.

 

and what was my answer?

everytime.

everytime it was the same.

 

"no."

 

but now,

we're not even friends anymore.

 

you know what i want?

i want you back.

 

i want you like that day i told you how bad everything really was.

and you held me in your arms.

and kept me close.

i could hear your heartbeat again.

 

you were the greatest, worst, best friend

i ever met.

and it's okay to love a former friend,

right?

 

i think the last serious conversation we had

was the one about

maybe picking things up this summer.

and i've been thinking.

 

summer,

even though it's here, today,

because today was the last day of school,

and i saw you with your friends for the last time,

 

i just dont know.

really.

im emotionless.

there isn't really anything left.

 

that scares me.

it scares me so much.

i want to have feelings again.

 

you once said you'd do anything,

anything for me.

 

can you bring me back to life,

please?

 

 

and i know i promised you.

but i've promised you so many things.

i promised you endless things.

 

and i never followed through with any of them.

 

so i guess you stopped trusting my pinkie promises.

 

 

remember when we would actually taking turns saying 'i love you' ?

that was so..

foolish and young and stupid.

 

were you playing me the entire time?

even that time i thought you died?

how about then?

 

she said two weeks, you know.

she told me you went back to her after two weeks of me.

two weeks.

that is unbelievebley pathetic.

so everything was just bullshit?

everything?

 

i mean, even at two weeks,

i still had all of my best friends.

and we were trying to hook them up with your people,

remember?

 

it would have been so much different if michael hadn't had a crush on me first.

then he would have never asked me to homecoming.

did you ever think of that?

and then, if he didn't ask me to homecoming, then you wouldn't have become my friend,

and you wouldn't have gotten jealous when i went to the dance with the newspaper boy.

 

i still can't believe he just showed up on my front porch and asked me.

right there on the spot, that newspaper boy.

and then,

that day,

i got a boyfriend.

and that boy was you.

 

i fell in love with you,

you know.

i never lied in that.

never would i have lied about that.

 

can we really blame everything on our problems?

you,

with your depression,

me,

with so many other things...

 

 

why did i lie to you so much?

i wish i didn't.

 

hey.

guess what?

you got your wish, lucky.

i didn't.

haven't, at least,

yet.

 

and maybe you'll read this,

and you'll call me,

and tell me that you haven't

technically

gotten your wish yet,

because we weren't

dating.

 

but whatever.

 

im pretty sure i wasted my entire freshman year on you.

 

 

 

i have a serious question for you.

 

why the hell didn't you stick up for me?

when all that s**t happened in january, you were still my friend, and the only thing you said was

'i told you so'

 

how could you just..

i mean,

that's really

really hurtful.

 

what that monster did to me..

how can you still talk and joke and associate yourself with somebody like that?

 

or is it because you,

like everyone else,

don't believe me.

 

that's it, right?

you don't believe me.

 

oh well.

i was there.

i know what happened.

that's all that matters,

right?

 

because you don't.

not anymore.

not to me.

 

i'd laugh in your face if i end up leaving for california.

you convinced me multiple times not to go.

and each time it wasn't easy

to

let

go

 

of one of the things i love so much.

 

at least it doesn't betray me.

at least you can't say anything bad about it.

it's not a boy that you can warn me away from.

 

i loved you.

 

how did that change?

why can't i feel anything anymore?

 

we were at the end of my driveway.

and i had my arms wrapped around you.

my head was on your shoulders,

or on your back when my toes got tired,

and we were just..

looking up into the sky when it happened.

 

such a perfect night.

i miss laughing like that.

i miss the starry sky.

i miss your heartbeat and your eyes and your nose and your teeth and your shirt...

 

i think your girlfriend was plotting to kill me when you gave me your Slayer shirt.

people soaked it all up.

 

i was wearing your shirt.

but wait, weren't you dating her?

then why was i wearing it?

 

duh, people, because i love this kid.

duh.

 

your smell.

the way your face feels when you don't shave.

i loved it all.

every inch of you.

 

you know?

i died.

or,

at least,

felt like i died.

 

that day.

people had been telling me it was over, you were back to her.

everything came back.

 

its

not

my

fault.

 

i couldn't hold it all in.

tears just..

couldn't contain themselves.

and i know you told me i cried too much.

and i'm too emotional.

and i need to stop crying.

 

well i haven't.

now.

i haven't in months.

at least 4.

 

that day,

December 10th.

was one of the worst days in my life.

and it wasn't until December 14th that we officially broke up.

 

or,

at least i found your note on my locker.

and it is too yours.

its in your handwriting, bub.

i know you.

know that scrawl.

"hey-

its over. sorry. p.s. actually i was sleeping"

 

ugh.

try and tell me that isn't you.

 

the evil, horrible thing is,

i used that same line on him.

 

i couldn't take it any longer, okay?

 

at least for me i broke it off at two weeks,

and not

seven,

like you and her.

 

you told me three weeks, tops.

 

whatever.

i don't feel it anymore.

 

so at the end of the school year,

i managed to

be friends with your dumb exgirlfriend,

date your friend,

be on zero terms with you,

fix up all my ruined friendships.

 

that's a lot of damage

to recover from.

 

i need a summer,

or more, to recooperate.

 

 

 

do you seriously want me back, boy?

or are you just desperate?

 

i bet you wouldn't "take a bullet"

for me.

ha ha ha.

 

sorry,

i won't hold your own words against you.

it's just.

me.

im sorry.

 

boy, you got further than the rest of them.

that's quite an achievement in itself.

 

the first time?

it was pretty hilarious, to me.

i was lying on you, as usual.

and i was pretending to be sleeping, like i used to with my old boyfriend from over the summer,

and you said his exact words.

it scared me and made me flashback.

all you had to say, and what you did say, was,

"bre, wake up. it's time to go now. you gotta get up"

and i was transported back to that time.

and i responded to Old Boyfriend

i said

"but i don't wanna get up."

and we had the same exact 'fight' that i had had weeks ago.

 

i was being all

fake-whiny

and you kissed me!

and i was still in the time of old-boyfriend-land.

 

it didn't feel right at all.

not.

at

all.

 

i was mean to you after.

man.

it was horrible.

an epic fail, i know.

 

man.

 

those were the days, eh?

 

 

 

then, the second time.

 

it was cold.

so

so

so

cold.

 

but i walked through snow and across a couple feilds,

from practice all the way to your house.

i had popcorn in my bookbag.

and i sat on the church steps, eating it.

until you came outside.

and we went over to the old side of the house.

and talked.

until it got unbearable.

so cold.

cold cold.

and i was so cold.

and it was time to go

so i gave you a hug and walked over to my bag, and you said,

"what? no goodbye hug?"

then i started grumbling.

like, have you seen Home Alone?

the shorter bad guy? how he grumbles, and you think he's swearing,

but you can't be for sure?

 

well i walked over to you grumbling and you started rambling about me grumbling.

(we did that when we were mad at each other or cold)

and i kept grumbling, only looking up at you now,

and i wasn't listening to a word you were saying,

i just remember wanting to feel you talking on my lips,

so i stretched up and put my lips,

ever-so-softly

on yours,

and,

at first,

you were surprised,

for a second, because you stopped talking,

and i remember blushing,

but then you

 

 

 

 

 

you kissed me.

 

 

 

 

 

and it was the greatest thing i've ever experienced.

and you'll say "oh bre, its just a kiss"

oh no, man.

it was so much more than that.

 

it was funny, though, because you kissed me, and it was great and everything at first,

and i was like, what? no fireworks? so i squeezed my eyes shut tighter, hoping to find them,

and then we kicked in full-force, baby, and

whoop-dee-doo

there was the firepower, man.

 

and,

what you said, too.

"that's more like it."

and,

what i screamed,

"finally!!"

 

i broke away.

and couldn't stop laughing.

 

it was the freaking greatest ever, baby.

i think my mom decided i needed to be put in a mental institute that day, sweetheart.

i laughed until i passed out.

until

i.

passed.

out.

 

i laughed so hard and so loud and so damn happily.

i was so happy.

right after it was over i giggled.

and those giggles turned to eruptions of chuckles

and that turned to a bellyful,

hearty

HA.

HA.HAHAHAHA.

and i remember,

actually,

pausing,

for a second,

to consider,

if i should wipe your saliva off of my mouth,

or not?

 

so then i did,

because i felt that savoring your spit on my lips?

was too stalkerish, obsessive, and creepy.

so i wiped it off.

right there.

 

 

 

but you probably don't remember any of this.

 

oh well.

its just the same slideshow that's been playing in my head since forever.

i don't feel any of it.

 

whatever happened to

'sadder, slower, way, of, suicide' ?

you know, when you said things like that,

you sounded just like a really overused icon.

you know, one that all the emo kids have on thier myspace.

and has thousands of hits on photobucket.

 

the only one

that i would still use,

for myself,

today,

is the one that is you.

you took it from a song, i know,

but it's in German,

and you'd have to be obsessive enough to care and google it.

but i knew,

you told me.

thats how you felt about being with her while we were..

when you were..

dating her and we were...

yeah.

that.

 

mein herz brennt.

 

baby, those words echo in my brain like a really bad commercial.

 

 

 

right now, i'm listening to good ol' pattie.

you know, the wise old lady.

the one who sings one of my favorite songs.

it's kindof old.

and you probably won't know it.

but it goes something like this:

"We are young,/

heartache to heartache we stand,/

no promises, no demands,/

 

love is a battlefeild.

 

We are strong,/ no one can tell us we're wrong,/

searching our hearts for so long,/

both of us knowing,/ love is a battlefeild.

 

You're begging me go,/

and making me stay,/

why do you hurt me so bad?/

 

It would help me to know/

do i stand in your way?/

or am i the best thing you've had?"

 

 

 

 

hey.

hey.

-you wanna hear the greatest joke of all time?-

(you hate me now, i know, im taking your joke)

("what is the greatest joke of all time?")

(giggle, giggle) -Ask me if im a jellybean-

("are you a jellybean?")

(laugh amusedly) -No!- (crack up)

the other person will just give you a funny look and saaaaaaaay:

"I

Don't

Get

It"

 

ha. ha. ha.

best.

joke.

ever, babe.

 

so maybe this summer,

you can help me find my heart again?

and maybe i'll say 'yes' to that question you asked me a billion times.

 

here's to point D-

summertime.