it defines me

I wake up gasping for air feeling like I was getting drowned, my vision all blurry and feeling like I'm going to faint, struggling to get up from my bed to start heading to the bathroom. I find myself tripping over my own feet to then turn on the light to only see my self in the mirror, I'm pale like a white sheet for my bedding. It was a fight and a half to turn on the shower and getting in. it took me 15 minutes but in that time I can't hear, nor speak I feel like I'm not actually alive, cracking my knuckles feeling the crack but my head isn't feeling the sensation I normally get. 

After 20 minutes of hot water running down my neck and back, I finally get color back in my face and I don't feel so not there, I then realize that this all happened from a nightmare I had, I had flashbacks hitting me and my vision going in and out of focus like a camera.   

Washing my body as I feel dirty and not strong, finally able to calm myself down but to end up crying again thinking of the nightmare I had, the details of it and how real it felt... my nightmare was about me getting bashed but it was being repeated over and over again like I was in hell and needing to learn a lesson, that I deserve this torture and pain.

The ripping of my bag and shirt, the lump in my throat growing unable to speak all I could see in the eyes of the one hitting me was red, getting told to hit back and she hits me over and over but I finally got the lump out of my throat and yelled "stop let go of me, please let go of me", "STOP!" thinking why she wouldn't stop but thankfully a lady in armor saved me, stopped it and made sure I was okay calling the police straight away.

The feeling I got in my chest as I held my face that was sore to the touch I finally notice what happened and burst into tears seeing my bag broken and my favorite shirt ripped, I find myself shaking and calling my mother, the police show up and I tell them everything to then kindly ask with my shaking voice if they can take me and my mother to the car.

Bruising formed and even the touch of water in the shower hurt making me cry wondering what I did wrong, waiting day by day for my court hearing to have something done about all this having my antidepressants changed with my emotions going all over the place wanting to harm myself so all this would go away.

Its the day that the hearing is here, all these thoughts going through my head like 'will she show up, what will happen in my mind if she does, did she even get served, does she feel bad, will I cry if I see her, will she go for seconds, will she yell at me' I did for a fact cry when I seen her show up and it shows that the police did their job and served her and that made all my emotions burst and mix around.

It's done... shes made a promise to the court not to do all the things I ticked and she can't touch me and if she does its back to court and possibly worse well even if she breaks one of the promises Its back to the court if I feel unsafe, all this running through my head making my anxiety going through the place and getting told I have symptoms of PTSD and getting bashed triggered it.

I will get through this and I will win.

Forever in my favor to just breathe.

Growing stronger.

This defines me...But it will change.