I promise

A Story by Samantha

A Promise is a big thing now as we were kids it was so easy to keep things a secret.

I have always said I promise, but now at the age of 16 a promise is more then a promise. Its a heartache, tears and late night overthinking.

Maybe It was my fault to break the first promise, the first step to making things worse then what they already were; that first cut with me closing my eyes like I was in a deep sleep that turned into a nightmare straight away. Unable to know what was happing, happening to my body and mind. It ended in my soft, red eyes opening up and blood all over my arm.

I told my best mate at the time it wont happen again yet after I said that I did more, she then broke the second promise, she said she wouldn't show anyone but posted it on instagram in the end... with the caption saying "if this gets 25 likes she will stop", yet I didn't know how everyone knew it was me; my name wasn't mentioned and somehow the whole of grade 5/6 knew about it.

I promise to stay by your side, that promise was from a mate I had known since prep but it ended in her breaking it, pushing me to the wall with her other two friends telling me to show them my cuts, "COME ON SHOW THEM". i felt so sick to my stomach yet I felt i had to show them or they wouldn't leave me alone.

A promise is a promise, you're meant to keep it to yourself, but these days people get to scared, not at peace and needing to tell someone but it turns into a diary having its pages ripped out and thrown all over the classroom; people are going to listen and stare but I guess I was the one who broke the first promise.

Over the years I kept promises pretty well, but the cutting did continue. I started to date people and dated some to make others jealous it was wrong for me to do, I dated these people not just because i had feelings for them; because i didn't want to be alone.

I dated this girl, she had these big eyes and short hair. She had these beautiful curves and acted all sassy it was amazing, I miss her. but to this day I still hate myself for letting someone get to me and do things to me, bad things that no person under the age of 18 should deal with, no one should really. I listened to someone, a best mate in fact; in his words "it doesnt mean your cheating, its just what best friends do".

it got to the point where I broke another promise, I promised to marry this girl and stay with her forever; but this promise got taken over by these words of a best friend... it led to him touching me, telling me to do this that I wasn't okay with; the thing was I felt to scared, to hurt inside to say no or even yes. he said he was gay yet this all happened he touched me and went even further.

I cut so much that year, saying how it was my fault for all this, my girlfriend moved away and things got worse and I promised her I was okay and she promised she wont forget me and will text as well as call me, she broke that promise for months on end.

Things kept happening with this 'best friend of mine' and it got to the point were he was hitting me, I was yelling and cutting at my skin to be free. FREE, what does that mean anymore... No one is free anymore we are all trapped in a world of confusion, suicide and self hate.

I could of done something about this situation and left earlier but i guess it was to late to leave, to weak to move and crying every night to sleep.

A quote of a girl who light up my day, hugged me when needed with beautiful eyes and gorgeous smile. she said "promises can either be a beautiful thing or a nasty lie" I agree completely on this and I broke a promise to her a few times as well, i cut, i said someone was real when they weren't and she broke promises as well but we both have gotten stronger and more proud of one another; shes someone I can trust and know that wont leave even if i mess up really badly.

to this day I still brake promises, and i hate myself for it. I am getting better so I hope that these promises stay a promise like when we were kids.