A Simple Plan for Energy Independence from Middle Eastern Oil

Politics is the only profession that I know of where one is given credit for merely talking about a problem, while never doing anything about it. In fact, in politics, one is often penalized for attempting to make some sort of constructive difference. The result is that there are always a lot of people telling us what the problems are, but no one ever does anything to fix said problems. 

 

This is never more true than when an election is close at hand. Granted, in the U.S., “the problem” that most candidates limit their rhetoric to is the person running against them. They won’t talk about healthcare. They’ll only talk about how the election of their political rivals would be disastrous for healthcare. If they ever get around to actually discussing the issue, their response is always some version of “Healthcare is a serious issue for this country and I have a plan to fix it.” Of course, they never get around to saying what their plan is exactly�"it’s apparently enough that they have a plan (which is apparently ignoring the issue until being forced to mention it during the next election).

 

Now health care is an important issue, but one of the most serious issues facing the United States is that of our reliance on oil from the Middle East. That should not be a surprise to anyone. And if you have managed to forget about it, there's always an election around the corner and everyone will suddenly have “plans” to deal with the issue (some version of the ignore the issue until the next election). 

 

The Middle East is the most unstable region on the globe. The reality is that much of the source of its instability is that non-Middle Eastern nations keep involving themselves in the politics of the region. The only reason anyone, anywhere, cares about the Middle East is oil. That’s it. They have oil, so we care. And let’s face it, when it comes to oil, the U.S. is like some crack w***e who will jump into bed with anyone who promises an endless and/or inexpensive supply of our drug of choice. 

 

Would the United States be friends with a nation such as Saudi Arabia if we were not addicted to their oil? Saudi Arabia finances madrasahs, schools that teach a narrow, radical version of Islam and hatred for the West in general, and the United States in particular. What is the U.S. response? The United States offers Secret Service protection to the Saudi Embassy in Washington, D.C. (the only nation in the whole world we protect with our Secret Service). Fifteen of the nineteen hijackers on 9/11 were from Saudi Arabia. What was the U.S. response? We declared a war on terrorism that excludes Saudi Arabia and then invaded Iraq, a country whose citizens or leadership have never attacked the United States (or even threatened to attack the U.S.). Saudi Arabia has a horrible record on human rights, practices torture, and treats women as property, with little or no legal standing. What is the U.S. response? We use the U.S. military to protect their government and their way of life. Why do we treat Saudi Arabia like it is our best friend in the whole world in spite of the fact that it teaches its children to hate us, its citizens have attacked us, it practices state misogyny, and publicly promotes values that are in direct conflict with the proposed values of the United States? They supply us with oil--and we’re junkies.

 

What makes this situation truly sad is that America is not involved in Middle East affairs because we genuinely care about its people, or because we philanthropically want to develop stability in the region, or even foster democracy. We only care about the region because we need a fix and they give it to us.

 

So what is the solution to such an addiction, short of a national involvement in a twelve-step program? Well, at the risk of sounding like some pre-paid politician running for office, I have a plan--and ironically, my plan for energy will also help with our ongoing health care woes. Of course the energy plan includes such natural energy sources such as wind, solar power, hydroelectric power, and the use of fuel developed from soy, but the core of my plan focuses harnessing America’s greatest natural resource�"fat people.

 

The plan is simple. It was not too long ago that American whalers risked their lives so they could kill a whale and turn its fat into fuel. This means that we have had the technology to turn fat into fuel. In fact, we have had that sort of technology for centuries! So if we can turn fat into fuel, then that’s what we should do.

 

The United States is the fattest country in the history of the world. We love “super sized” fast food meals. We eat when we are not hungry. More importantly, we’re lazy. American kids do not play football or baseball in the backyard anymore, they sit inside and play a video game (of football and baseball).

 

Everyone knows of the health risks that accompany obesity. Everyone knows that the health problems caused by obesity are taxing an already overburdened health care system. The advice is to diet, exercise, and avoid fast food. Yet, in spite of the fact that everyone knows the risks of obesity, and the offered solutions to it, America is getting fatter and fatter all the time.

 

And that is good because a fatter America is a stronger America! A thinner America would result in increased unemployment and an economic slowdown. When jobs are created in the United States, they tend to be minimum wage jobs. Many, if not most, of these jobs are in the fast food industry. If Americans were to listen to the advice of those who say, “Eat right and lose weight,” the major sources of jobs in the U.S. would shut down and a lot of people would find themselves unemployed. People without incomes cannot buy things. Americans would not be able to afford gas, heat their homes, pay their rent, or pay their bills. Americans would face foreclosures and evictions all because Americans lost weight. 

 

Losing weight would cost American jobs, cripple the American economy, and more importantly, require discipline-�"all things that Americans want to avoid. So the solution is simple. Let’s use our greatest natural resource to keep America strong: obesity.

 

I say, “Why fight it?” We’re fat! Let’s use it to our advantage. Let’s make being fat a national asset and a source of national pride. We have liposuction and we can turn fat into fuel. Let’s just suck all the fat out of an obese and bloated nation and use it to run our cars, heat our homes, and turn the turbines that generate our electricity. Why should we shift to smaller cars that are uncomfortable and have no power? Keep eating the Big Macs and buy yourself an eight-cylinder beast with crappy fuel efficiency. 

 

Let fat people be proud of being fat. Could you imagine the source of pride when one American says to the other, “I just donated two-hundred pounds of fat for the economy,” or “I just ate five Whoppers with cheese”? Why should thin people get to have all the self-esteem? When fat is our fuel, thin people would be looked upon with disdain for not contributing to American prosperity.

 

American dietary habits, coupled with our sedentary lifestyles, liposuction, and our ability to turn fat into fuel would break the importance and the financial power of the Middle East. The United States would no longer have to hop into bed with nations like Saudi Arabia. The economic stability of American would no longer be tied to how expensive gasoline is at the pump. In addition to energy independence, America would be healthier. Sucking the fat out of obese people would reduce the stress on our healthcare system, ultimately causing health care prices to fall. Hospitals would be free of most heart disease patients and diabetics because the extra weight that causes these illnesses would be removed for the public service of providing affordable fuel for the American people.

 

The harvesting of excess body fat would result in:

* a healthier (and happier) Americans;

* independence from Middle-Eastern oil;

*a more stabilize Middle East due to reducing its importance in the global market;

 

* the creation of more jobs since there would be more fast food restaurants;

* a perennial source of widespread commercial spending that is vital to a consumer based economy like the United States. 

 

If we take the 60-80% of American who are overweight, suck out their fat and use it for fuel, supplementing it with wind power, solar power, soy products, etc, we could be energy independent in a few short years.

 

Eat wrong! Drink beer! Be lazy! Get fat! I mean really, really fat! And use that excess body fat to fuel the American economy of the future! 

 

It’s your patriotic duty!