Healing from you

Healing from a heartache

 You know you finally healed when it no longer brings tears to your eyes, when you look at him and you know there was no respect and it was never real. You finally know they person was put there to teach you a valuable lesson, a lesson who made you grow beyond what you thought was possible.

The minute I saw you sparked something in me, without thinking I let my guard down.

I had known your family for a long time before I meet you, you had been in prison for years and I honestly knew it was a bad idea, not because you had been locked up I didn’t see that right away, but because your family was family to me.

You stayed in a half-way house for a while and I would find anyway to come see you just for 5 minutes, bring you a snack and drink whatever just to see that smile and those beautiful eyes for a minute.

You would put in request to go to job interviews so we could meet up, I loved the stolen moments. At this time I though you really cared for me but looking back I’m pretty sure it was just having someone in your life, someone who was always there for you, because you had been locked up for so long.

I know I made so many mistakes in our relationships because none of us were in a place to be together. While I was blind and thought you wanted to be with me you were busy with other women on the side. I just didn’t want to see the truth because you had woken something in me.

We quickly ended up living together and I don’t even know what I think about that now, because it was good, it was bad and it was fake. I think somewhere deep down you loved me but you loved attentions more from anyone else.

Believe me I made a lot of mistakes, we both did, for the longest time I thought it was just me but I know we both made mistakes, now when I look back with more mature eyes.

When I think of you now I know that me pressuring you to be in a relationship and choosing me was a bad idea. You needed to go experience the world, you needed to explore all the things you had missed.

When you left me I was hurt and angry that I had ever let you in my life. You opened my eyes, you made me see I needed to be alone, I needed to learn to love myself I needed to grow to become this amazing strong woman I now am.

I look back and see how insecure I was, how dependent I was on you. I look now what I have done on my own, how much I love my life and how strong and capable I am on my own.

If you hadn’t left me I would never have found this woman and for that I’m always going to be grateful.

I wanted you back for so long until I finally realized I deserve better, I deserve someone who wants me for the amazing woman I am. See I was so insecure, I didn’t know how to love being alone, I didn’t know how much I was capable of doing on my own. I thought I needed someone in my life to be happy, but what I needed was ME in my life to be happy. Finding that powerful, beautiful woman that will have someone in her life because she wants to not because she needs it.

I now try to inspire other women to see their own power, so stand up for themselves, to set boundaries and not settle. I want women to understand that happiness never has anything to do with a man but how you look at the world, how you find that person you need inside yourself.

I look at you now not with hate, not with sadness but with a smile, because if you hadn’t shown me what I didn’t deserve I would never have found out what I deserved. I also deep down know you lost a good damn woman, yes it was your loss not mine.