I’m no longer ashamed of myself

Becoming your own best friend through healing

We have all been in one or more of these situations death of a loved one, been abused, felt not worth it and wanting to give up.

A lot of women I have meet in my life have struggled with finding themselves again after either ones of these situations. How do you turn it around, how do you find that inner sparkle again. How do you begin to believe in yourself after you lost everything?

I’m was just like you felt hopeless, felt like no matter what I did it was never enough. One day I woke up and I looked at myself in the mirror and said enough is enough.

I worked so hard dealing with my past, having to face my own mistakes, facing the things I had put up with I didn’t deserve. And now being on the other side all I want to do is share my journey and hopefully inspire others to find themselves.

I grew up in a very religious home and was always the black sheep, and looking back now that is where it all started with be allowing things I should have never allowed in my life.

When I was about 14 a friend of the family sexually abused me and my family blamed it on me and I guess since they treated me like it was my fault I treated myself like it was my fault as well.

I started looking at myself as worth even less because I now felt like a brought shame on the family because I allowed someone to abuse me.

I moved out on my own very young and I got in a lot of bad situations because I had no idea what I was doing I was use to always being told what I was allowed to and not to do and now I had the freedom to do ANYTHING.

My very first relationship was abuse and controlling and I now see that I would search for that because I needed someone to tell me what to do, I ended up in the hospital green, blue and purple and that finally woke me up. WTH was I doing, why was I allowing my childhood to repeat itself.

Like anyone else who has ever been in an abuse situation it’s not easy to walk away, you feel powerless and lost because no one is telling you what to do, and the only form of love you know is abusive.

You feel like you can’t function without that person and you have no idea how to start over, how can I do anything when someone is not telling me what to do.

As much as I thought I moved on from it while growing older, not till the last couple of years being in my 40’s did I finally really face my ghosts from my past.

I was young and thought running away was the answer and I ran far, all the way from Denmark to USA. I was hiding from the truth for years and kept living my life.

I got married and had a child but still was in a situation where my life was decided by someone else I just didn’t see it. I was married for 8 years till my husband passed away and just like anything else I didn’t deal with it, I just pulled up my big girl panties and kept going.

Later come to see that back the big girl panties was just a cover for not dealing with life.

After the death of my husband I stayed single for years but still didn’t deal with my self-esteem just survived I guess. I never wanted to really look the truth in the eye.

When I finally let another man in my life it was not any better, this man who’s I adored was using me because I allowed it. It was per him a situation-ship and he was just using me- that’s what FINALLY broke me.

I lost it, I was heartbroken because I had let this man behind my walls just to be used.

It was the worst and best thing there could ever happen to me. Like the say you have to hit rock bottom to want to change sometimes.

I finally faced all of my past, worked through all the things I had been running from and it was ugly. I had to look at what I had allowed that I didn’t deserve and I had to learn to forgive myself.

Forgiving other is easy, forgiving yourself is hard but step by step I did it and looked at all the ugly to get to the pretty.

I let go of all the anger I had carried with me for years and the guilt and what a relief, I could now wake up in the morning looking at this beautiful honest person who had nothing to hide.

My past no longer defined me or controlled me. I started loving myself and seeing what I had to offer the world, I started seeing how I didn’t have to be ashamed of what my past had been, but instead appreciate how strong and capable it had made me.

I got to the point I could talk about my past and no longer feel sad but feel empowered. That is HUGE.

I realized that my whole life I had felt I needed someone and I finally realized who I needed was me all along. Just waking up in the morning and feeling that everything I needed I already had within myself was a game changer. When you realize that being your own best friend and cheerleader is what was needed - that is a lightbulb moment.

Since I finally in my 40’s learned to just love myself and trust in myself and by abilities I have accomplished so much. I have become the person who is so independent that I finally know how to be picky with whom I let in my life, I trust myself and that is huge.

My daughter is now 20 years old and I have watched our relationship bloom so much with my own growth. I’m finally a woman I’m proud of her looking up to. That feels so amazing to say.

I now like sharing my story because I hope it will inspire others to find the power within themselves to either get out of a bad situation or to heal from one. For the longest time I was ashamed that I spend so much of my life the way I did, but now I look at it as I needed all that to be this incredible strong, put together person who will never again put up with less than I deserve.

I will no longer lower my standards to have someone in my life because being alone no longer makes me lonely, because I no longer have the need to be lifted up by anyone else, I LIFT MYSELF UP.

When you are not strong on your own you need outside validation but knowing that’s you have it all within yourself changes that and makes you able to validate yourself. I’m strongly believe that if you don’t have that inner believe in yourself you will take bread crumbs and allow things you shouldn’t.

I wish I could empower ALL women to find their inner strength and see their inner beauty. I wish I could inspire other women to face themselves and thereby see that they got everything they need within themselves.

Yes the journey will be ugly but the result will be amazing, beautiful and so empowering.