Baby shaking syndrome

I redid this poem so maybe more people can undersatnd what I feel and mean by this peom...Please tell me what you think now that it is changed ty...

 

 

 

                  BY: Belinda Draper

Baby shaking syndrome is not a lovely sight,

Why do people hurt them?

you know its just not right,

They shake them cause there crying,

They beat them really bad,

I want to sit and cry cause I think its really sad,

Babies don’t deserve this,

When all they want is love,

They want the hugs and kisses,

And for you to show your love,

But instead you sit and shake them,

Causing them so much pain,

Not know that your killing them,

Bringing forth what I call a shame,

You parents have no rights to act so absurd,

Theses babies end up in hospitals,

Or even in a casket for a burial,

Where is the justice for theses babies now?

They would live a healthy life,

You if were not around,

I think you belong in jail,

Never again to see the sunlight,

Giving the sentence of death,

So you know what you did to them,

Is a sin and a awful sight.

I hope that God gives you what you deserve,

For you to go to hell,

Finally letting justice be served,

And maybe in life now people will learn,

If you cant handle them then please give them up,

So the kids can live what I call a real life on earth.

Author's Note

this is a poem about baby shaking syndrome that I wrote for babys who cant defend there slef.

Reviews

[Lisa]

The subject is heartbreaking but very true. You can feel your anger when you read the words. Very good poem. You may want to run your work through spell check. There a re few mis spelled words in it. Not enough to alter the meaning in the poem though.

[Wildecat]

Belinda, this is a remarkable poem. I disdain abuse of anykind, this poem hopefully will make people aware, so we can put a stop to this kind of behavior. Nice write.

[KAREN BROWN]

hey girl I want to tell you you done a great job on the poem, its true some do have kids thinking they can take care of them and then find the crying over welling that they do shake and hurt them. kids deserve the best that life has to offer them.there was angre i felt and you put it very well. It upsets me a lot to hear on the news people hurting there children I have 4 of my own I could never imagine hurting them in any ,I only want to protect them in everyway great writing thank you for sharing. karen

[Kristopher L. Bageant]

You know I liked it as it was but now that you changed it I can see a whole new difference in what you ment and I think this is still a powerful poem keep up with the writing and doing what you do ...dont worry about what others think about you its how you feel about your writing ignore the people that try to drag you down dont let them them get to you there not worth it..

[PianoandPage]

i think your changes made this much easier to read. i like how you expanded the theme and got more into it.

i would still change

"You if were not around" to "If you were not around"

but for the most part this is a much better version of the poem. glad to see that you worked on it. :)

[BrightEyes]

You tackle a heartbreaking subject matter here - and sometimes we write because we have to get our feelings out about something that affects us so deeply...this is truly a tragedy of our times and one that we can all aspire to putting an end to.

[Easter]

I understand where you're coming from, but the point is made a little obvious. I prefer poetry where I have to dig a bit to uncover a deep meaning. Babies shouldn't be shaken, and I agree, but that's really all the poem says and we already know and agree with that point.

I know you don't care about spelling, but if you have any intentions of becoming a serious writer, it is true that you might want to use spellcheck.
The poem rhymes up until "And for you to give a smile" which is almost reminiscent of Emily Dickinson, so that is cool. Then it starts rhyming again for the last stanza, but the rhythm is off. For example: "People please stop this you know its not right," there should be at LEAST a comma between this and you.

That's my two cents. Hope it was helpful.

[PianoandPage]

first of all i think that the fact that you've posted so many poems shows that you have a love of writing. i'm not sure if you are wanting to be a professional writer or if this is just a fun hobby and a way of connecting with people.

i know that some people come here to writer'scafe to get serious critique on their work so that they can grow and expand their talents.

other people just want to put their thoughts down and get encouraging empathy from their wc friends.

nothing wrong with either.

but as far as reviews go i usually go for honest and i hope helpful critique of people's poetry. i know that a lot of writers adopt the policy of "if you don't have anything good to say don't say anything at all".

as far as i can tell there are 13 comments about the subject of this poem, the horrible ways in which babies are abused, and 1 critique that unfortunately lacks specific examples of why this poem technically isn't written well.

so onto my review.

first of all i would suggest using a spell check tool in microsoft word or whichever word processor you have available to you. you may think that spelling isn't a priority to the message of your poem but the truth is that bad spelling only muddies the meaning of your poem and distracts or worse turns off those who aren't patient enough to work through the errors. it really isn't that hard to do a quick fix on your spelling.

secondly i found the message to be a little bit unrealistic. i know that people do abuse their children but i have never heard of "baby shaking". does this really happen so often?

your lines sound forced by a rhyming scheme that isn't consistant. and frankly "hurting THEIR little brains" made me want to laugh. the tone didn't come off as serious.

part of the problem with posting your poetry on WC is that you are opening yourself up to blunt honest critique from other writers. hopefully people who give you critique do so with the best intentions and in a positive constructive manner. for the most part this has been my experience.

if it hurts too much to recieve feedback that isn't glowing praise then maybe you should consider making author's notes saying as much or moving your writing to another site.... like myspace.

i think you have potential to be a decent writer if you work on your spelling and your themes. part of being in this community is accepting critique with grace instead of taking it personally.

i hope my review helps. have fun writing!

[Deborah Leah Krempa]

I don't understand how anyone can hurt a child in any way, shape or form, it makes no sense. Thank you for advocating in your writing. And for sharing with us here at the cafe. Debileah

[Windy]

What a sad, sad subject and frankly a very sore subject to me. I just cannot for the life of me undertand how anyone can hurt a child especially in such an awful way. I am always glad to see someone speak out on subjects that need to be brought to light. Bravo to you for having the courage and insight to bring this out in the open. (PS as for those that cannot get past "HOW" you write something and cannot see the importance of the subject matter, well I won't say what or how I feel about them but just ignore them, delete them if you want but don't ever let anyone stop you from writing about something that is so very important.) Kuddo's to you my friend.

[alyssa]

WOW!!! Great way to get toa point i totoly agree!!! why do parents do that why dopn't they just love them!!!