Satan's True Confession: What Happened the Time I Tried to Duplicate the Christmas Story

Being the devil isn't as easy as you'd think. Here's what happened when I (Satan) tried to one-up God by making my own Nativity story.

     Everyone thinks that being The Devil is so easy. After all, how hard can it be, unleashing your dark side " no guilt, no burning conscience, no shame? The common consensus is that it is far more difficult to be good than it is to be bad, so being the King of Evil must be a synch. Well, let me set the record straight right here and now: being the Prince of Darkness is far more frustrating than you can possibly imagine.

     Even before I was evicted from Heaven, my life has been about competing with The Big Man Upstairs. We compete for world dominion, personal property, for the souls of mankind. From the beginning, I wanted to be God. The Big Man didn't like that, so He gave me the boot. I decided to make the best of the situation, though. If I couldn't be Top Dog in Heaven, then I'd be Top Dog on Earth.

     It was pretty easy, making Adam and Eve forget about their loyalty to God. I just had to appeal to their vanity and carnal desires. I honestly thought I had won the Competition, once Adam and Eve got expelled from Eden. He shoots, he scores! And then God pulled the rug out from under me by sending His Son to Earth. Jesus Christ destroyed everything I had worked so hard to accomplish. I thought I had killed Christ on the cross, but then God messed it all up for me by raising Him from the dead. Let me tell you, that took some time to recover from. But if God wanted to play dirty, I could play dirty, too.

     After much thought and planning, I decided to beat God at His own game. The way I figured it, if God could use His Kid to win people over to His side, then so could I. It's like that saying, “What's good for the goose is good for the gander.” I'd just duplicate everything The Big Man did, but in my own way. First thing I needed was a “Mary.” It was a major challenge, finding a human girl who was worthy of carrying my offspring. After a long and tedious search, I found an acceptable candidate. I sent one of my demons to the girl's home, the same way The Big Man had sent Gabriel to Mary. Since the original script had worked so well for Gabe, I told my demon to use the same lines on “my” girl. I mean, “If it's not broke, don't fix it,” right? Recycle and save time. Fine concept. However, hindsight is twenty-twenty. If I'd known how awry things would go, I would have ditched “the script” idea altogether and done something entirely original.

     According to “my Gabriel,” the conversation had gone something like this:

     “Greetings, oh favored one. Satan has sent me with the good news that you've been chosen to carry his son.”

The girl, dressed from head to toe in black, stopped texting and locked eyes with the demon. She looked him over fearlessly, snapped her bubble gum, and laughed: “I've been chosen to carry Satan's son?”

     “That's not your line,” the demon chastised. “I mean, I'm not finished with my part yet.”

     “I didn't know this was scripted. Sorry,” the girl snidely remarked.

     “Let me continue.”

     “Okay. Go on, then.”

     “You will conceive and give birth to a son. He'll be popular " a great leader. The Lord Satan will give him the throne of the Earth and he will reign over the people of the world. His kingdom will never end.” The demon finished and waited for a response.

     “What am I supposed to say to that?” the girl asked.

The demon pulled an index card out of his pocket and read it. “You're supposed to say, 'How can that be? I'm a virgin.'”

     “But I'm not a virgin.”

     The demon rolled his eyes and cursed impatiently. “Well, then, I guess I'm in the wrong house. Sorry.” He looked at the address on the back of the index card. “Are you Grace Evans?”

     “I'm Lily Evans. Grace is my sister. She's in the room next to mine.”

     “Oh.”

     “But I'd be a much better mother to the son of Satan than Grace. She's such a goody-two-shoes.” She pointed to the index card. “If you want me to say I'm a virgin, I will.”

     “Sorry, babe. The boss wants this done his way. If it were up to me, I'd have no problem stickin' a bun in your oven. One girl's as good as another to me, but,” he shrugged, “I gotta follow the script.” He stuck the index card into his pocket, left Lily's bedroom, and quietly let himself into Grace's room.

     Through the hazy darkness, he could see a teenaged girl curled up under a ruffly pink bedspread. The demon's eyes wandered over the feminine decor in disgust. He preferred the Gothic older sister to this pampered princess. There was a framed document hanging beside the girl's bed. It was an Honor Roll award with her full name printed across the front of it. “Well, now I know I have the right girl,” he sighed. “What a shame.” He reached out and gave the snoozing girl a little shake. He cleared his throat. “Wake up, sleepyhead.”

     The girl rolled over and yawned, then opened her eyes and squinted up at the looming figure standing beside her bed. She blinked several times, then blanched. “Lily, is that you? Are you going to another pagan concert?” She squinted as she raised herself up on her elbows. “I can't see anything without my contacts.”

     “Fear not, Grace. You have found favor with the Dark Lord. You will conceive a son "”

     “What are you talking about? Go back to bed, Lily!”

     “I'm not Lily! Listen, you need to let me finish my lines. The boss was very particular about me going by the script,” the demon said impatiently.

     “What script? I'm not even in Theater. You need to get out of my room and let me sleep.”

     “Look, sweetheart, you've been chosen to carry the son of Satan and you need to tell me you're okay with that. I'm not leaving til you say it.”

     “I have a Calculus test in the morning. Go away!” She nested beneath the covers and closed her eyes.

     “Satan has chosen you to be the mother of his child,” the demon whispered into the girl's ear.

     “Buzz off, Lily. Stop listening to devil music. I'm going back to sleep.”

     “It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity,” the demon continued.

     The girl laughed. “Yeah, sure. Okay. Goodnight now.”

     The demon stood up tall and crossed his arms. “She said 'sure.' She said 'okay.'” He nodded his head. “That's good enough for me.” He quietly stepped outside the door and ran smack into Lily. He swore under his breath.  “I'm leaving.”

     “Did she say she'd do it?”

     “She told me to leave her alone because she needs her sleep.”

     Lily laughed. “Yeah, it's never a good idea to wake Grace up when she's trying to sleep. Makes her cranky.”

     “I noticed. But that's nothing compared to what she's gonna be feeling once she's knocked up with Satan's kid,” the demon said with a smirk.

     “Are you gonna come back later? If so, you should stop by.” She gave him a flirty smile. “I'm not a virgin.” She chomped on her gum noisily.

     “I know. You already said that.”

     “I can get my freak on, if you know what I mean.”

     The demon traced one side of her face with a long, black fingernail. “I'm not really 'into' humans. I mean, I 'get into' humans, but not the way you're thinking. Thanks anyway, doll,” he said with a wink, and left.

Now, what should have happened next is simple: I would let myself into Grace Evans' bedroom, mix up a DNA cocktail with her, and get out of there before the sun came up. Instead, I found myself in a predicament. First, I hadn't thought the whole “Immaculate Conception” thing through. God's Son was conceived supernaturally. Therefore, Mary remained a virgin throughout her pregnancy. I, on the other hand, am not capable of implanting life within a womb in “a miraculous way.” I had to take on the form of a human man in order to copulate with a human woman. Bottom line: I wasn't going to be able to salvage Grace Evans' virginity. I expressed this concern to my demonic associates before I went inside the bedroom.

     “Well, sire, I don't know that it really makes that much difference. As long as she gives birth to your child, what's it matter whether she's a virgin or not?” one of my dim-witted minions said.

     “Because! I want to do everything exactly the way HE did!” I growled irritably.

     “Oh.”

     “Never mind. I'm just gonna go in there and do it,” I said irritably. Before I went through the door, I looked at the demon who had visited Grace earlier. “She did give her consent, correct?”

The demon nodded. “Yes, my lord. She said 'sure' and 'okay.'”

     “Good,” I muttered, stepping into the room. Quietly, I crept over to the bed, slipped under the covers, felt a warm female body, and began taking care of business.

     “Lily, stop shaking the bed,” a groggy voice said from nearby.

     I froze, confused. Having limited knowledge is terribly inconvenient in a time such as this.

     The girl's arms and legs wrapped tightly around me like a Boa Constrictor. “Don't stop,” she said impatiently.

     I'm not one to let a little distraction stop me from accomplishing an important mission, so I went ahead and finished the job. Afterward, I looked down at the girl. Something wasn't quite right. She hadn't acted like the innocent virgin that I had chosen to be “my Mary.” I wasn't in the mood for games. “What's your name?” I demanded.

      A sultry smile spread across her face. “Lily Evans.”

     “Lily Evans? And where is Grace Evans?” I asked through gritted teeth.

     Lily pointed to a cherubic-looking girl who was sleeping next to us in the bed. “Right there.”

     I'd been duped. “Lily,” I began slowly, in an effort to keep my temper restrained, “what are you doing in Grace's bed?”

     She reached up and placed her warm hands on my face. “I want to carry your child.”

     I shook my head, anger rising and threatening to erupt. I rolled off Lily and got to my feet. “You need to get out.”

     “But "”

     “Now,” I seethed, pointing to the door.

     Lily cursed and fumed as she got out of the bed. “I'm having your baby!” she spat snottily as she closed the door behind her.

     How Grace could have slept through her sister's tantrum was beyond me. I took several deep cleansing breaths, and concentrated on what had to be done next. I had to recharge, get back in the game. This child was an important part of my plan to overthrow The Big Man Upstairs. Calmly, carefully, I slipped back under the covers and pulled Grace into the center of the mattress.

     “Lily,” she yawned, “I'm in no mood for your shenanigans. Go to your own room.”

     “Grace, I want you to relax and think happy thoughts. This won't hurt but a minute,” I whispered against her ear. “I'm about to give you the greatest honor ever bestowed upon a girl.”

     Her eyes fluttered open and she saw me. Her face registered shock and horror, her body stiffened beneath mine. “Who are you? What are you doing? Stop it!”

     I covered her mouth before she could scream. “Shh! Just relax.”

     Here was the second complication of the night: Grace seemed to have changed her mind about having my kid. This was not how the original script had played out. Mary had been a willing vessel. Her compliance had made the conception of Christ easy. This girl was wriggling and writhing and slamming her fists into my chest.

I didn't want to hurt her. I needed her DNA. My son needed the protection of her body. So I changed tactics.

I turned on the charm.

     “Look, Grace, I really need you to want this. In return, I will make sure you get everything your heart desires. I can make your wildest dreams come true,” I lied, kissing her neck, running my hands along her unspoiled body.    

     “Please, just let me have this one small thing. I'll make it worth your while.”

     She stared up at me with innocent doe eyes. “What do you want from me?”

     “Your womb.”

     “My what?”

     “I just want to borrow your womb for...ehh.. say, about nine months. No big deal.”

     “Lily must have put something in my toothpaste. This can't be happening,” Grace said, more to herself than to me.

     “This is really important, hon'. This baby is going to change the world,” I encouraged. “Look, I'll make it as quick and painless as possible. Whatta ya say?”

     She sighed in resignation, “As long as it's not going to ruin my plans for going to college next year.”

     “Who needs college when you're the mother of the most powerful baby in the universe?” I asked.

     “Well, when you put it that way....” She sighed and uncurled her fists. “Okay. Go ahead.”

     I didn't need to be told twice. When I had finished, I gave the girl a dutiful kiss and told her “Thanks.” As I got out of the bed, she asked, “Wait a minute. Who are you?”

     Poor girl. Had she heard nothing my demon had said to her? “Satan,” I answered.

     Her mouth dropped open, her eyes bugged out of her face. “Oh...my...”

     “I'll be in touch,” I told her, fleeing the room before she could ask any more questions.

     Here's the third disturbing realization of the night: I'm not omniscient. I had no idea if conception had actually taken place within Grace's womb. It would be several weeks before I'd know if she was pregnant with my child. Another ugly truth: I had no way of guaranteeing things would go according to my plans. The Big Man Upstairs had a nasty habit of throwing monkey wrenches into my conspiracies. I wanted to believe that I could pull a fast one on The Big Man, but I knew it was virtually impossible. He knew what was going on, whether I liked it or not. So I waited, fretting and stewing like a chemist on the verge of a scientific breakthrough.

     Eight weeks later, one of my messengers brought me the good news: “Grace is pregnant, sire.”

     I pulled out a cigar and lit it. “Terrific! Let's celebrate tonight, boys!”

     “I have other news, my lord.”

     Puffing on the cigar, I raised my eyebrows at him. “What other news could there be?”

     “Lily is also pregnant.”

     The cigar fell from my lips. A foul word shot from my mouth as I stood to my feet. “What twisted joke is this?” I stared up at the ceiling and shook my fist. “You're getting a good laugh out of this, aren't You?” I roared.

     “If I may say, sir, this could benefit you. You'll have twice the chance of winning the world over with two sons as opposed to His one,” the demon said.

     I liked the sound of that. He was right. Two is always better than one. I sat back down and puffed on my cigar contentedly. “Tell me,” I said to the messenger, “do the parents know?”

     “The girls are 'breaking the news' to them tonight.”

     Anticipation bubbled up inside me. “Oh, we must be there to see how this plays out.”

     Here's a perk of being The Devil: I can choose whatever form I wish. I can make myself invisible, turn myself into a man, a woman, an animal.... It's a nice way to eavesdrop without anyone knowing. So, that night, several demons went with me to sit in on The Big Announcement. We hovered in a corner and watched Lily and Grace as they argued in Lily's bedroom.

     “We absolutely can not tell them the truth, Grace! They'd have us locked up!”

     “Well, what are we going to tell them, Lily? I don't have a boyfriend, and you have, like, three boyfriends.    How do you even know for sure who the father is?”

     Lily bared her teeth at her sister, nostrils flaring. “I made sure I didn't sleep with anyone else until I knew for sure that I was pregnant!” She placed her hands on her abdomen. “This is Satan's child.”

     Grace shuddered. “That sounds so " I don't know " despicable. How can you be so proud of that?”

     “Well, at least I didn't lose my virginity to him. How's that feel, Gracie, knowing you had your cherry popped by the one guy Mom and Dad hate most?”

     Grace slapped Lily hard across the face. “I didn't know!” Lily lunged at Grace, throwing her down on the floor. “I hate you so much! You are such a "”

     “You don't deserve to carry his baby! I don't know what he sees in you!” Lily screamed, clawing at her sister's bare skin.

     An insistent knocking sounded on the closed door. “Girls! What's going on in there?”

     Grace and Lily continued wrestling as their mother opened the bedroom door. “Phil! Phil, come quick! The girls are trying to kill each other!”

     Their father rushed into the room and pried Lily off of Grace. He held her firmly as Grace sat up and wiped blood from her nose and lip. “What on earth is going on in here?” he demanded.

     Grace and Lily glared at each other, but said nothing. “Things haven't been right in this house for weeks. Somebody had better tell us what is going on right now, or you'll both be grounded until you do!” their mother said in her no-nonsense tone.

     Lily took a shaky breath, then announced, “We're pregnant.”

     The looks on the parents' faces were priceless. There are no words to accurately describe the shock, horror, and disappointment that seized their souls in that moment. The mother found her voice first: “When you say 'we,' do you mean... you and...?”

     “Grace and I are pregnant,” Lily clarified.

     “How...?” Mrs. Evans asked, her face white as a sheet. “Who...?”

     “We got pregnant by the same guy, on the same night,” Lily stated matter-of-factly.

     Mr. Evans let go of Lily and went to his wife, who looked like she was going to faint. “Who is he? Who did this to you?” He pulled his wife against himself, as if to shield her from this nightmare. “I'll hunt him down and make him pay!”

     Lily offered her hand to Grace, helped her to her feet. They stood side by side, facing their parents. “There's nothing you can do about it, Dad. It was...consensual.”

     Mrs. Evans shook her head and sobbed into her husband's chest. “No, no... this can't be happening,” she cried bitterly.

     Mr. Evans began to shout at the girls. “Where did this happen? When? Did you two sneak out and go to some wild party and drink or do drugs and "”

     “No, Daddy. It happened right here, in the house. There's nothing you could have done to prevent it. He came in, he slept with us, and he left,” Lily told him.

     “That's it. We're getting a home security system!”

     Lily shook her head and laughed. “I don't think it will do any good. But, whatever puts your mind at ease, Daddy.”

     “Well, this is certainly going to give them something to talk about at church,” Mr. Evans declared. “You haven't told anyone else, have you?”

     “No,” both girls said in unison.

     “Let's keep it that way. Your mother and I will have to figure out what we're going to do about this.”

     “Well, I, for one, am not having an abortion. I'm keeping this baby,” Lily snapped, crossing her arms defensively. She looked at Grace. “Though she may agree to getting rid of hers.”

     Grace gasped at her sister. “I would never...! It's not the baby's fault!”

     Lily snorted, “Well, it was worth a shot.”

     “Nobody is to find out about this, understood?” Mr. Evans said, eying his daughters with narrowed eyes.

     “Yes, Sir.”

     I looked at my demon companions with a satisfied grin on my face. “Mission accomplished,” I proclaimed.

     So, you're probably wondering what happened next. I'll tell you. Phil and Martha Evans sent Lily to a detention center where she could get some therapy and rehab during the duration of her pregnancy. They sent Grace to live with her aunt and uncle three states away. They were “good Christian folks” who would be “kind and supportive.” Before sending them away, the Evans had encouraged both girls to give their babies up for adoption. The girls would be free to come home after the babies were safe and snug in their new homes, and nobody would ever have to find out about their family's dirty little secret.

     But I had other plans for Grace and Lily. While the girls were busy incubating my offspring, my demons and I were preparing for The Big Day. When I say “The Big Day,” I'm talking about the birth of my sons. The Big Man Upstairs had singled out Mary and Joseph to serve as surrogate parents to His Son. I had my “Mary” (times two), but I didn't have a “Joseph.” Therefore, it fell to me to find proper dads for my kids. I needed men who would teach my spawn all the in's and out's of being little devils. With a heaping dose of manipulation and mind-seduction, I could easily infiltrate the hearts of “my Josephs” and equip them with all the evil they needed to raise my sons.

     It was relatively easy to find two guys who would train up my boys to be power-hungry dictators. The challenge was to convince Grace and Lily that these guys deserved the role of Daddy. I am an expert in manipulating humans into believing anything I tell them, but I can't force them to act on the impulses I plant within their hearts. I can't make them fall in love. Lucky for me, teenaged girls are easily seduced by romantic notions, flowery promises, and chiseled male bodies. There was a time when I thought about moonlighting as Cupid, but then I realized that most of the couples I bring together are horrible matches. They serve my immediate purpose, and then they self-destruct like a bomb.

     So, the pregnancies progressed without a hitch. Both girls stayed healthy, seemed eager to become mothers, and were head-over-heels for the guys I'd given them. But there were some major problems after the babies were born. Surprise Number One: Lily's baby was a girl. Yes, that's what I said. A girl. How had I missed that? The ultrasound technician had said the baby was a boy. Could the gender suddenly change at birth? Damn technology! Surprise Number Two: Grace's baby was the puniest little excuse for a boy I'd ever seen. I'd expected a robust, twelve pound fireball, not the pitiful little runt she produced. Here's a fine example of Cruel Irony: you can father a child, but unless you are The Creator, you have no control over how that child is formed inside the womb. It sucks, but it's true. I couldn't designate the gender or the birth weight of my offspring. You one-up'd me again, Big Man.

     My pride was stung, but I was determined not to let these temporary set-backs stop my plans. I made sure that both of “my Marys” had a roof over their heads, that “my Josephs” had good jobs, that my kids had everything they needed to thrive in their little surrogate families. I had my plans all laid out for my children: they would become powerful leaders who would take over the world, all in the name of their father (me, of course). My kids would un-do all the good that God's Son had done, times two. With me guiding their every step, my children and I would dominate Earth. It would be glorious!

     Parenting never goes the way we expect it to. I will never win the Father of the Year award. I can manipulate, seduce, and tempt human beings, but because of the blasted “free will” thing, I can't force anyone to do what I want them to do. This includes my own children. Curse the day God fashioned man with a free will! I had such good intentions for my offspring, such splendid plans for them! But here's what I did not count on: the daughter Lily produced became so unmanageable and headstrong that she could not be brought under submission. She would not bend to anyone's authority " not even mine. As much as I tried to impress my will upon her, she would not comply. Because her home life had been so awful, she vowed to avenge her miserable childhood by becoming a successful adult. But instead of using her anger to hurt others, she has used it to help them. Her ultimate goal in life is to speak out against domestic violence, end the oppression of women, and stop child abuse. It is disturbingly ironic that the daughter of Satan has taken up arms against the very injustices her own father is responsible for. In fact, domestic violence and the abuse of women and children are some of my favorite activities.

     The son Grace gave me is an even bigger disappointment. I thought he would be neglected and shunned by Grace, which would have created an emptiness in his soul that I could use to my advantage. Instead, Grace and her boyfriend “got saved!” Her heart was so well suited for motherhood that she lovingly embraced the newborn baby " even seemed to forget who the real father was. She has loved and nurtured my son so well that he has turned his back on me completely. It is painful and embarrassing to admit that my own son has no insatiable urge to do evil. He plays for The Other Team! In fact, he has become one of the most influential evangelists for The Big Man Upstairs ever to walk the Earth. This is the biggest joke The Big Man has played on me yet.

     Here is the conclusion I've come to: A) How a person turns out has very little to do with their DNA, and everything to do with how they are raised; B) The conditions under which a child is conceived has no bearing on whether that child chooses to embrace a life of good or evil; and C) Even the most wicked of intentions can go awry when The Big Man Upstairs decides to intervene (I hate that one!). Ultimately, God is still in control of everything, even me, and that burns me up like nothing else can! Also, the fact that the children I produced are now my enemies instead of my comrades grieves me deeply. Oh, if only I had the power to split myself up into Three Beings the way The Big Man can. If I had a couple of “mini-me's” at my side, then things would be so much easier.

     But since my attempt at producing my own offspring has failed so miserably, I've decided my only option is to “adopt” other people's kids. Just because I couldn't turn my own kids into little devils doesn't mean I can't lure other people's kids into the darkness. There are plenty of lost and broken children out there who are looking for a father who will guide them down the road to power, success, domination, and wealth. They don't have to possess my DNA to be my sons and daughters. Isn't that what the Big Man does? Adopts people as His children? I'll just do the same thing. If it works for Him, it can work for me. And if I can't convince people to join my side, then I'll take out as many of His followers as I can. He thinks that because He won my kids over, I'll give up, I'll surrender. But all He's done is make me hate Him more than ever. I won't admit defeat! I won't quit! The competition between The Big Man and me will never end, because I will never be satisfied with being Second Best.