The Harry Argument

Is it possible that Harry's claim that men and women can't be friends could hold some truth? Let's explore his logic for a moment....

     One of my favorite scenes in the movie When Harry Met Sally is the heated discussion that revolves around whether or not men and women can be “just friends.” The dialogue unfolds as follows:

           Harry: You realize, of course, that we can never be friends.

           Sally: Why not?

           Harry: What I'm saying is �" and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form �" is that men and  

           women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.

Harry: No you don't.

Sally: Yes I do.

Harry: No you don't.

Sally: Yes I do.

Harry: You only think you do.

Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?

Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.

Sally: They do not.

Harry: Do too.

Sally: They do not.

Harry: Do too.

Sally: How do you know?

Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.

Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?

Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail them, too.

Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?

Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is ultimately doomed, and that is the end of the story.

Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.

Harry: Guess not.

           Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.

     Harry and Sally remain platonic friends for most of the movie, but then, one night, Sally calls Harry on the phone, distressed and miserable over an ex-boyfriend, and Harry comes over to comfort her. Before they can stop themselves, they're having sex. After that, the friendship becomes awkward and broken. They spend the remainder of the movie working through their feelings, trying to put their relationship back together.

     But not all friendships between men and women entail the two eventually falling in love, or sleeping with each other. Harry may represent a good chunk of the male population in his belief that men and women simply can't be friends, but not all men are incapable of keeping their hands to themselves. Throughout my life, I've had countless guy friends �" guys who never once tried to cross the friendship boundary. This either means that the guys I've been friends have secretly wanted to jump my bones, but were too shy to make a move on me, or it means that men truly are capable of being platonic companions to women.

      My first friendships with boys began very early in life. When I was five or six years old, my two best friends were Christopher and John David. They lived on the same street as my family, in Chattanooga, TN. Christopher, John David, and I played together daily. We had make believe adventures, caught fireflies in the woods, and explored the culdasac. Not once did we think, “Oh, we probably shouldn't be hanging out together because of our gender difference.” It didn't matter that they were boys and I was a girl. We shared the same interests, got along well, and were fiercly loyal to each other �" qualities which were not gender-dependent.

     As a little girl, I gravitated towards activities that were considered “boyish.” I'm not saying that I didn't have my girly moments �" I enjoyed dressing up and looking pretty, too �" but my favorite activities were climbing trees, scaling monkey bars, playing ball, catching frogs, riding bikes, and exploring mysterious places (such as, unfamiliar woods and abandoned houses). I had a competitive nature (always up for a contest or a reasonable dare), an over-active imagination, and a heaping dose of creativity, which made playing with me a lot of fun. My friends and I had some of the most exciting adventures ever imagined, with me at the helm.

     My family moved to Missouri when I was in the second grade. That's where I met Jeff, Jimmy, and John. Jeff and I were in church cantadas together, played tag (we called it “chase”) on the school playground, and hung out frequently at each other's houses. Jimmy and John were brothers who lived down the street from me. Their parents were divorced and they lived with their father. Mom felt sorry for Jimmy and John and often invited them over for meals and church events.

      Through my friendships with Jeff, Jimmy, and John, I was exposed to family dynamics that were very different from my own. I don't remember much about Jeff's father because he was rarely around. Years later, I would find out that Jeff's father was a raging alcoholic. Jimmy and John's mother had run out on them when they were toddlers. They were basically “latch key kids” who always got into trouble because they had very little adult supervision in their home. Because of our differences, we were able to depend on, and learn from, each other.

     But why boys for besties? Why didn't I have girl friends instead? The main reason why I preferred boys as friends is because I'd had some devestating experiences with girls. During our time in Missouri, I made friends with Christy, Lisa, and Debbie. We all attended the same elementary school, and our mothers were on the PTO. Christy lived right down the street from me, so I often bicycled over to her house to play Barbies. We got along really well, when it was just the two of us. But when Lisa and Debbie were there, I was often left out. The three of them would group up and ignore me. Lisa was the instigator. I can't recall many bullies from my elementary school days, but Lisa was definitely one of the few.

     I can't tell you how many times I went home in tears because of Lisa's cruelty. She easily manipulated Christy and Debbie, and many of the other kids in the neighborhood, into being mean. Her favorite past time was teasing and mocking soft-hearted children like myself. My feelings were crushed by girls who made fun of my clothes, my underdeveloped body, and my innocence. I was a sheltered child, naive and gullible. Girls like Lisa pounced on that kind of vulnerablity, tearing my self-esteem into tiny little pieces.

     As a result, I came to the conclusion that boys were much easier to pal around with than girls. I didn't have to worry about boys being two-faced, over-dramatic, or body-obsessed. Boys weren't hung up on clothes, bra size, and body measurements. Boys didn't gossip, didn't intentionally hurt my feelings, shun me, or tease me. All of these positive qualities made it relatively easy to put up with their bad manners and disgusting habits. I learned to turn the other way, or laugh right along with them.

     Being “one of the guys” was never boring. I found boys to be interesting, fun, and submissive. Yes, you heard me right -- submissive. If I wanted to play “house” or “restaraunt,” they were fine with it, unlike my girl friends who whined or complained, saying we should play “this” or “that” instead. The boys I spent time with throughout elementary school were such dedicated friends that they actually played “dress up” and Barbies with me, if the occasion called for it (i.e.: if it was raining outside so that we couldn't play outdoors). Whatever I suggested, they were game. And speaking of game, I spent more time playing kickball, wiffle ball, and football with the boys in the neighborhood than I ever did having tea parties or carrying around baby dolls with the girls. Boys were better!

     When I hit puberty, I began to differenciate between the affection I held for my guy friends, and the sexual attraction I felt for the boys I had crushes on. It was a little more difficult to navigate the waters of my teenaged years (with the raging hormones and tumultuous emotions), but I managed to separate boys into two groups: the ones I enjoyed hanging out with, and the ones I desperately wanted to make out with.

     Most of the high school guys I palled around with would have loved to date me, but I wasn't attracted to them “that way.” Therefore, these guys were faced with a choice: be my friend, or walk out of my life. Most were content with spending time with me as friends because that was better than nothing. But there were others who never admitted to feeling anything beyond friendship for me. Was it because they were gay? Had girlfriends? Were romantically challenged? Does it matter? The fact is, these were the guys I liked to spend my time with. I felt comfortable with them. I could be myself. I wasn't afraid they were going to hurt me, rape me, judge me, or leave me. They were consistent and predictable, no matter how I was feeling or what I looked like.

      Freedom to show one's true colors is liberating. With so many people, I have to fulfil certain expectations: dress a specific way, use proper dialect, behave in a mature, educated fashion, hold back, restrain personal opinion, and conform to high standards. Life starts to feel like the stage of a theater, where I'm performing different roles in each scene. It's exhausting! Being fake takes energy and skill, both of which I'd rather spend on activities that I enjoy.

     I've been single for a solid three years now, but I have a handful of guy friends with whom I can pal around. When I'm with Seth, Jacob, Adam, or Daniel, I don't have to put on a mask, or keep my emotions bottled up. We can hang out and talk about anything, from bathroom topics to politics to religion to sex. There is no taboo subject. I don't have to act like a lady, and they don't have to behave like men who are out to impress me. We're just people who enjoy spending time together. We can appreciate each other's strengths, physical traits, differences, and talents, without strings attached.

     When lust is taken out of the equation, something magical is cultivated within a guy-girl relationship: genuine appreciation for each other. A deeper union is formed between the two friends because the need for sex is absent. There's no pressure, no drive for more than platonic unity. This leaves room for honesty, trust, and untainted affection. This isn't to say that the friendship can not evolve into something deeper. Many friends turn into lovers. I'm just trying to drive home the point that a strictly friendship-based guy-girl relationship can be richer and more satisfying than a sexual guy-girl relationship, because sex is not an expectation.

     Harry's argument is based on his belief that sex is always in the back of a guy's mind, even in platonic relationships. I'll admit that, even as a female, there have been lonely times when I've found myself thinking of my guy friends inappropriately: “I wonder what it would be like to have sex with him?” Those moments don't occur frequently, and generally they happen when I'm feeling vulnerable and weak, but they do happen. We wouldn't be sexual human beings if we didn't think about “what if” sexual scenerios occasionally. It is during these moments of weakness that we put our friendship in jeopardy. Like Sally, we turn to our Harry for comfort in a time of emotional crisis or self doubt. Since our guy friends take their cues from us (as far as where the boundary lines are drawn), if we initiate sexual behavior into the relationship, they figure it must be okay to “go for it.” There are some guys who are strong enough to keep their heads on straight when a compromising situation arises, but generally speaking, if a girl offers a guy sex, he is not going to turn it down...even if they are best friends.

      Sex is the “elephant in the room” of a platonic guy-girl relationship. Harry points out that sex always gets in the way of opposite sex friendships. On one hand, he's right. The only thing keeping the relationship from veering into sexual territory is the boundary line set by one or both parties. If, in a moment of vulnerability, drunkenness, or impulsiveness, that boundary line is breeched, the friendship becomes compromised. Going back to “just friends” is virtually impossible. You can never go back to the way things were before sex entered the relationship. Therefore, sex can ruin everything.

     On the other hand, if both parties are one hundred percent committed to preserving the boundary line, the friendship can thrive indefinitely. There are men and women who have remained platonic friends throughout their lives. The issue is not whether or not sex exists as a temptation between the two friends, but whether or not they choose to act on it. Harry says that men and women can't be friends because the guy is always thinking about having sex with the woman. I doubt that is really true. Not all guys think about having sex all day, every day, with every woman he sees. And even if there was truth to Harry's logic, if the man friend has the self-discipline to reign his thoughts in and deny his sexual impulses, no harm will come to the relationship. He just has to respect his female friend enough to deny his sexual urges.

      Acquiring a guy friend is one of the best gifts a single woman can receive. If you are fortunate enough to have a man who is willing to listen attentively, offer his perspective, be a companion and playmate, you have struck gold. You get all the perks of dating without the hassle and drama of sex and romance. There is no safer place for me to be than in the company of my guy friends. I know, without a doubt, that any one of them would come to my rescue if I needed their help. They would do just about anything for me, and I for them. I get my needs for male interaction and attention met without having to sacrifice anything. I always have someone to go to the movies, go out to eat, or chill with. I don't have to look like a million bucks for a guy friend to want to hang out with me. He takes me as I am.

      Someday, if I ever meet Mr. Right, he might take issue with my guy friends. After all, most guys share the Harry mentality that men and women can not be friends. Then I will have to explain to Mr. Right that Harry's logic is flawed, and that it is possible for men and women to be friends. In fact, I've managed to have healthy guy friendships my entire life. But until Mr. Right shows up, I will continue to enjoy the friendships I share with my guy friends. Because, despite the Harry argument, I still believe the way I did when I was a little girl �" guys really do make the best friends.

Reviews

[M.E.Lyle]

I read this a few days back and had to put it away and think about it. I love it when something causes my feeble mind to suddenly awaken.
First off, When Sally Met Harry is one of my all time favorites along with Sleepless in Seattle, and You've Got Mail. There's something about Meg Ryan.
I realize, coming from your life experiences, you are right. Guys and girls can be friends without getting romantically involved.
Growing up I had a lot of friends that were girls. A group of us hung out together, guys and girls, as friends. The romantic complications never figured into the equation, and we liked it that way.
In the case of Harry Met Sally, I think they both have valid points.
I think in this case, Harry was suggesting a guy could never be friends with a girl he finds attractive. The sex thing always gets in the way.
Sally, naturally, disagrees.
The perspective direction from which each arrives at their conclusion is so varied and clouded by perceived feelings of the other.
Men and women are so different it's a wonder they ever get together at all.
There's so much more to be said here, but I don't want to take up anymore of your time.
Thank you so much for this piece.
Now I'll have to get on NetFlix and watch the movie all over again.

[Barb Abel]

Thank you for your feedback! =)
I think every relationship/circumstance is different. Some guy-girl friendships contain no physical/sexual attraction whatsoever, while others may carry an undertone that both parties mutually agree to keep at bay. For some, the attraction grows into something more (as with Harry and Sally). Other friendships remain platonic and unromantic forever.
I just thought it was interesting to ponder the logistics of Harry and Sally's perspectives. It's a great movie that brings up so many fascinating points on guys, girls, and relationships.
Glad I could stimulate your brain! Lol! =) Yes, it's a movie worth viewing at least on an annual basis. I love Meg Ryan, too.
Happy New Year!