The Jerk Magnet

Why is it that I attract the wrong types of guys? It seems like I am a magnet for jerks. What am I going to do about it?

     Somewhere, buried deep inside of me, is a magnet. I am convinced of it. I'm pretty sure this magnet formed at the onset of puberty, and it has been plaguing me ever since. I don't know how to rid myself of it, though I have tried everything short of hiding within the confines of a convent. I am cursed with the unfortunate attraction to �" and the receiving of attention from �" “bad boys.” Simply put: I am a jerk magnet.

     If I'm completely honest with myself, I must admit the fact that I have always found troublemakers immensely appealing, even when I was in elementary school. There was something amusing and fascinating about the boys who spent more time in the principal's office than in the classroom. These were the boys who got into fist fights on the playground, talked back to the teachers, and mercilessly teased the geeky kids. They were abrasive, rude, and entirely offensive. As a young girl, I knew better than to hang out with them, certainly I would never fall in love with one, but secretly, they excited me. They were completely opposite from the safe, predictable world I knew at home.

     The magnetism for bad boys intensified with the onslaught of adolescent hormones. As a teenager, my favorite movies revolved around the “good girl falls for bad boy” theme. I crushed on all the rebellious guys on the big screen, and in the classrooms. By the time I was seventeen, my bad boy magnet was dictating every decision I made. Good boys repelled me. My heart pounded for the misunderstood derelicts, the rebellious loners “who just needed someone to love them.”

     My head was full of romantic notions. I was a silly girl with ridiculous dreams of winning the bad boy's heart, riding into the sunset together, and living happily ever after. Never, in any of my fantasies, did the bad boy lie to me, lead me on, take advantage of my naivety, and cast me aside like a piece of garbage. That simply wasn't an option. The guy I chose to love would be thrilled to have me for a girlfriend because I would be “the perfect girlfriend.” I would be an asset to his life, not a hindrance. He would soon discover that he could not live without me, because that's how valuable I'd become.

     Unfortunately, that's not how bad boys operate. They aren't looking for girls they can't live without. Their minds aren't on a girl's value as person or how lucky they are to have them around. Let's call bad boys what they really are: they're jerks. They are primal, they are survivors. Their primary interests are in protecting their own skins, fulfilling their needs, satisfying their appetites, and conquering personal challenges. What happens to the people around them is of little consequence. As long as the bad boy gets what he wants, it doesn't matter who gets hurt �" as long as it isn't him.

     You would think that after my first disastrous bad boy experience, I would have learned to stay away from guys like that. But no. I had to do it again. And again. “This one will be different,” I would tell myself each time. And he was. Bad boys aren't all alike, in the same way that criminals aren't all alike. They each have their own M.O., their own style, habits, interests, lines, and charm. If all bad boys were exactly alike, we jerk magnets might actually learn to avoid them.

     The maddening thing about being a jerk magnet is that I know that I have this weakness, and yet, I continue to be sucked into the bad boy trap. How can I be fully educated (not only through books, Bible studies, and counseling sessions, but from years of first-hand experience) and still fall prey to these wily rascals? How can I dodge them so efficiently for months or years, and then, just when my life is going smoothly, one will walk through my door and pull the rug out from under me? This dilemma has plagued me for most of my adult life.

     The real showstoppers are the bad boys who masquerade as good boys. These are the ones you have to watch out for. They give the impression that they are strong, Godly men with high standards and impressive self-discipline, but who are secretly raging perverts. Beware of these bad boys! It's very unfortunate to find out too late that the guy you've developed a crush on isn't the sweetie you thought he was. On the contrary, he is a prowling wolf, a hunter, preying on women who are gullible enough to fall for his convincing act.

     When faced with a situation where the good guy has been exposed for what he really is, life suddenly becomes complex for the weak-kneed jerk magnet. Do I run or do I stay? I find myself torn between enjoying the crumbs of affection the bad boy throws me, or starving myself entirely. Is it better to be in a short term relationship and receive attention from someone who momentarily makes me feel desirable, or do I end it before he has a chance to ditch me? I have said time and again that I am better off alone than with the wrong person (ie: a jerk).

     I fully acknowledge that I am drawn to the type of guy who will not commit, can not love anyone but himself (if he can even do that), only sees me as an object to possess (and discard), and doesn't really need me for anything but his personal amusement. I know that I have a magnet that draws superficial guys straight to me, but does that mean that I am never going to experience what it's like to be genuinely loved, respected, and cherished by a man? Am I doomed to be the pawn of my inner jerk magnet for the rest of my life?

     I don't want to believe that I will never know what it's like to be loved unconditionally by a man. I want to believe that I deserve better than the unhealthy relationships I've had since I was seventeen. The romantic, naïve, gullible girl inside of me hopes against all hope that there is at least one man out there who sees me as more than an object to possess, conquer, or amuse himself with. There surely must exist a man who is exactly who he portrays himself to be.

     However, the jaded, angry, wounded ex-girlfriend in me would prefer to rip her heart out of her chest, lock it away in a safe place (like Davy Jones), and refuse to take any more chances with love. Every time I think I might have found someone with potential, he eventually turns out to be a jerk. My inner magnet directs me straight to them, every time �" even when I don't consciously realize what's happening. I must make a choice: turn tail and run in the opposite direction, depriving myself of all romantic contact with the opposite sex, or I try to beat the bad boy at his own game.

     If I choose option #2, it means that I am a willing participant in “the game.” I go into it with my eyes wide open: I see him for what he is, acknowledge what it is that he's after, and be content with whatever he chooses to give. The rules of the game are as follows: I can not get attached to him, can not fall in love with him, will not expect anything from him whatsoever, and will not consider us “a couple.” If I agree to these terms, then I allow myself to have some non-committed fun without damaging my heart, my soul, or my future. The illusion here is that the bad boy becomes my toy. I am in control. I decide when I talk to him, spend time with him, and I choose how much to share of myself. That way, I don't get hurt. I can experience physical pleasure, amuse myself for a while, and then move on. I am free to be just as bad as he is.

     But.... that's not really how things turns out, because I'm the type of person whose heart always manages to get entangled, even when I am trying to keep it out of the situation. And being “bad” isn't really who I am. Choosing option #2 only makes me a good girl dressed in bad girl attire. I'm not really a bad girl. Yes, bad boys tend to bring out the worst in me (I do have a dark side), but, let's face it, I've always been a nice, nerdy, wanna-be-sexy chick who never has measured up to the bad girl standard. My conscience usually wins when it comes to the inner war between good and evil. I'm never comfortable being bad. Maybe that's why I'm so drawn to guys who love being reckless and breaking all the rules. I wish I could be that naughty, but I'm just not fashioned for it.

     So what is a jerk magnet like me to do? Fight like hell to keep my romantic notions alive �" believe that there really is someone out there who is perfect for me? Trust that God has a plan, and that I need to remain single and chaste while I'm waiting for His will to be revealed? Deny my female impulses, urges, and desires by becoming a man-hater, working out and praying excessively, and listening to women-empowerment music?

     The waters become murky when it comes to the human heart. We, as women, want desperately to be loved, desired, claimed by a man. We want the unity that comes from merging our lives with someone else's. To forgo our innermost yearnings is physically painful. Being alone, or ending a relationship, hurts. There have been times when every fiber of my being has ached, almost bled, from the agony of severing ties with someone I've devoted a portion of my life to. No matter how unhealthy it was, I had �" for a time �" “belonged to” that person. Once that union is broken, there is a wound left behind, an emptiness, a hole.

     But, hey, guess what? There is some good news: God is bigger than the jerk magnet inside me. He is my Creator! He knows what I am capable of �" what I can resist, how far I can be pushed, where my limits are. If I can focus on my strengths, my goals, and my faith, then I can take away the power of the magnet. I don't have to allow it to control my life. I know it's there, and I know it is a weakness, so I have to take whatever precautions necessary to avoid falling into a dangerous situation. Surrendering to the magnet is the worst thing I can do. Instead, I must rise above it �" refuse to let its power rule over me. The more I resist its pull, the stronger I will become.

     It is a process. The last time I ditched a jerk, I stood before a mirror and gave myself a high five. I said, “Congratulations, Self. It only took you a couple of weeks this time (versus months or years) to realize that you were walking straight into a bad boy's trap. Good for you, for realizing he wasn't the nice guy you'd thought he was. Way to go, getting out of the situation before he altered your future irreparably. You're learning! You're getting wiser in your older age. Fist bump, girl! You rock!”

     And then, I cried.

     I cried, because I had been hoping that he would be different from the others. I cried, because another wish had not come true; another piece of my heart had been broken; another man had let me down, lied to me, crushed my belief in the ever-elusive “Mr. Right.” I cried because he was just one more name to add to my list of “Loved and Lost.” Maybe Loved was too strong a word. I hadn't known him well enough to love him, but the potential had been there. I could have loved him. I had hoped to love him. And now I never would. Again, I found myself alone.

     Not really alone. I had God. I had my friends, my family. I was just...man-less. I assured myself that being man-less was better than being in a dead-end relationship with a jerk. Bad Boys aren't men who settle down and love you forever. They're guys who teach you that you shouldn't be careless with your heart. They show you what it feels like to be used, to be devoured, played with, and thrown away. Bad boys make promises they don't keep, thrill and enthrall you, take you to the highest places you've ever been, and then toss you into the pits of Hell. You love them, you hate them, and...for some reason, if you're a jerk magnet, you just can't seem to get enough of them. They are an addiction.

     Hi, my name is Barb, and I'm a jerk magnet.

     I'm addicted to bad boys. It's a weakness, a flaw �" something I developed for whatever reason, and can't seem to shake. But, like any other addict, I am learning that I don't have to be controlled by this addiction. I am not my weaknesses. My flaws do not define me. The fact that I am choosing to be stronger than my physical cravings �" that I can see what is in front of me and can turn away from it �" proves that I am not a victim of my inner magnet. The only way I can become a victim is if I allow it.

     So I wipe away the tears, take a deep breath, and force a smile onto my face. I am worth more than what a bad boy can give me. I deserve to be cherished, respected, and adored. A healthy relationship is one where both parties contribute, compliment, and nurture one another. That's what God intended. I shouldn't settle for less. I'm a daughter of God, and therefore, I am royalty. If a guy can't appreciate that, then he isn't worth the investment. I just have to repeat it to myself over and over again, until the truth of who I am is more powerful than my jerk magnet. And then, one day, I'll be able to stand before my mirror and smile instead of cry.

Reviews

[:o]

From what I've read here, you have one hell of a complicated life. Yes, woman want to be loved and cared for which they should be. And yes, bad boys are not worth your time. They are selfish people who know they can get all the sex they want just by acting like they are not fawning over a woman. They don't care about woman and woman like that. Why? I don't know but I've seen it more than a few times.

Here's the irony. Woman want to be loved as we've both mentioned, but have you seen how fast her love for the man she marries slowly goes away when a child comes into the picture? The man becomes a provider and nothing more. I've seen this too. The man resents the fact that his wife/girlfriend cares less about him. She's too busy for him. A man needs love and attention too. When that goes away, so does his love for her.

As for God, I believe in him, but he's not going to help you. I don't think positive affirmations will either. It will have to come from you by trial and error. You didn't mention your age by the way.

For the record, you are worth being loved. I'm sure of that. From your writing I can see it.

[Barb Abel]

Thank you for your feedback. I believe "the jerk magnet" is an applicable term for both men and women. I've watched numerous guys attract the wrong kinds of women. Falling for jerks goes both ways.
I agree that children add a whole new dynamic to a relationship. You've touched on some deep topics. Painful topics. I've found that one of the best ways to sort through my pain is to write about it. Writing helps me process what I'm feeling, and sort of puts things in perspective. I'm not saying that everything I write is applicable to everyone who reads it. It's my truth, my heart, my thoughts. Writing is my therapy. Hopefully, some of what I write will strike a chord with those reading it. My wish is for my stories and reflections to help someone else feel less alone in the midst of whatever challenge or heartache they are facing.
God and I have had an "off and on again" relationship since I was a teenager. I'm a preacher's kid. I was raised in the Christian faith. But my faith has been tested, and has waivered, countless times. Still, I would never have made it through all the crap that's been thrown at me without God. I don't believe God is a magician, a genie, or stereotypical superhero. He expects us to use the mind, body, and heart He's equipped us with. When we're going through rough times, it really does help to know we aren't alone. Someone bigger is looking out for us, walking alongside us. Holding onto that truth, staying positive/optimistic, can mean the difference between giving up or pushing forward. I don't hold a Pollyanna outlook on life. I am more a Realist than an Optimist, to be honest. I don't try to sugar coat anything. Life is what it is. But if I let myself drown in negativity, I will never make it to the Finish Line. I have too many goals and dreams to believe that "this is as good as it gets." No. As long as I have breath in my lungs, I'm going to believe that better days are ahead. I don't mention my age anywhere. That's because I don't want to limit my friends, relationships, or ability to connect to people because of my age. I have friends who are children, friends who are teenagers, friends who are elderly. I learn something from them all. I value all people, regardless of their age.
Thank you for your affirmation. It is much appreciated =)

[:o]

I will add intelligent to my earlier opinion of you. I'm sure if you were to survey most people on the site you would find that 80 percent of them write s therapy in some way. We each have demons, anxieties, or hard lives. I'm sure you've noticed the ones who want to die or hide from their troubles. That's why a place like this exists for them. Some won't even return a reply when I review them or ask a question. I think they just want to know that someone read their story or poem and listened. You should be commended for trying to help others, it's a noble act though it may be small or unnoticed by many.

Keep writing if it pleases you. You do it well and I can see you have a lot to say. Someone will come along eventually. It may take a bit but keep your faith. God answers prayers. I have some of my own I've been talking to him about.

[Barb Abel]

Thank you so much! =) I really do appreciate your input. It means a lot to me.
I think that a site like this is much more satisfying than a "regular" social network or dating site. Here, people can actually connect with each other on a heart-to-heart level (if they so choose). It is scary to make myself vulnerable -- it's much easier to put up a false front than to be "real" -- but how can I reach someone else's heart if I am not willing to share my own?
So glad you haven't given up on your prayers. Like you said, it may not happen right away, but God listens, and He'll answer... in His time, in His own way.
Happy New Year! =)

[:o]

Yes! And happy new year to you too.