Day 1: Tuesday

A Chapter by b!tchgirl1618

Day 1: Tuesday

She is getting into the backseat. Her father is loading her suitcase in the trunk. She is looking grim. He mother is sitting in the passenger seat, sobbing. By the end of the month I’ll have given her something to really cry about. And Amelia, little Amelia will be gone, forever.

Mom is sobbing. I’m trying my hardest not to start crying myself. My parents finally got sick of me cutting, so they are doing something about it. They are sending me to El Casa Loca. It’s a residential care facility. I’m scared shitless. I’ll be there somewhere from 2 months to 2 years. With my luck I’ll be there for two years. I don’t want to go but I have to. I’m scared shitless but I’ll never admit that to my parents.

She is off! She will finally be mine again. I will savor her death. I will enjoy hurting her, just as she hurt me.

They are making me move, because someone new is coming today. So they are going to give her and Sierra my room. And I get a room all to myself. I’m the only boy here at El Casa Loca. Well the only one who isn’t staff. Everyone else is of the female type and in love with me. God only knows why. None of them interest me at all though. Sierra is nice and kind of my friend but that’s as close as we will ever be.

I’M GETTING A ROOMMATE! I’m so happy. I don’t know her name, but I hope she is cool, most of the girls here are asses. But I am hoping my roommate won’t be. I love saying that... My roommate.

Sierra is hyper as f**k cuz she is getting a roommate. I’ve never seen her so happy. If her roommate pisses her off she will beat her a*s… cuz she doesn’t want a fake-a*s roommate.

Well, I was supposed to arrive today, but I will arrive tomorrow. The car broke down and we had to stop about 100 miles from Montana. That’s where EL CASA LOCA is, we live in Nebraska. I’m happy I don’t have to spend tonight there. Even if I do have to spend the next two months of my life there, I avoided it for one more night.

I just got to my lookout spot, and she isn’t here. Where is she? Why isn’t she here? She should have been here hours ago! I will wait until tomorrow, if she hasn’t arrived by then, I will go looking for her.

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© 2014 b!tchgirl1618

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Reviews

RazzySkittles

Heya b!tchgirl1618 :)
I really like how it goes over the differences of the characters mind sets. :) It's truly a unique and interesting piece. I do have a few things to recommend. With out the color, people might have a hard time to figure out that these thoughts are coming from several people instead of just one. I think that it would also be more beneficial to your main character (And the killer.) If you chose to give your Killer, and your main character their own chapters. (And when the killer has his chapter, you never specify who he is, that way people who be wondering and tantalizing over who the hell he is through out the entire book) And then the three characters (And killer) all be background characters during Sierra's chapter.

I think it would help if you wrote the chapter a little longer, and went into the environment she is living in, why she is there, is she happy to be there? Is she getting better? And I reccomend her having her own chapter because then we as the readers can get to know her better, with out the other characters getting in the way of knowing her. When you switch so quickly between characters it makes it hard to get to know the main character (And even the other characters) because your not really getting to deal with them for a long period of time. Getting to know a character is just like getting to know a person in the sense that it takes time, and that the reader needs to know the main character so that they can better invest their emotion and fear, excitement, hope, etc in the main character.

Giving Sierra a chapter for herself, lets the reader get to know her, but then giving the kill a chapter lets the reader understand, that he's a scary guy. If you give Sierra her own chapters and then have the killer be the other main character. The you can start with the first chapter being sierra's point of view and then end with a cliff hanger on her first chapter. Then after that you can go into the second chapter from the killers point of view, And since you ended Sierra's chapter with a cliff hanger, the reader won't care about the killers chapter, they will be trying to get to the third chapter cause they want to know what happens to Sierra, but then you end the second chapter (the Killers chapter) with a cliff hanger and then all of a sudden the reader is like "WHAT?!?!?" And then they don't care about sierra's third chapter so they speed read through hers to get to the killer's chapter (Chapter four) And then you end Chapter four again, and oh! The reader wants to know what happens with the killer again. :) Plus if you don't specify in the Killer's chapter who the killer is, then when you are looking from Sierra's point of view and she is talking to every one that's left, your going to be wondering "Who can she trust? Who is the killer? Is George the Killer? Is Anna the Killer?" And it's going to make the readers feel more strongly connected with your main character Sierra and it's going to help them to root for her more as a character to live and to find out who the killer is. :)

I love the character development and how the story is engaging, and enticing, and you worry for the characters. I do feel that it is good to let the readers know a little about the background characters and that if you were to take up the advice I have given then a good way of helping the readers to understand the background characters is having the main character converse with the back ground characters and as Sierra talks with them, they tell her things about thier lives, their dreams, their fears. Etc. And through that way, the Readers are coming to get to know the background characters along with the main Character Sierra. :) I really like Sierra's character and I would really love to see more of her, cause that's who I really want to get to know as a reader. :)

I hope my advice was helpful, however I do understand if it's not quite what you were hoping for or looking for. :) (The important thing about reviews is choosing the reviews worth listening to that help you and apply to you, and ignoring the ones that don't really apply, make sense, help, or improve your technique.) :)

I love the character developement, I think these reccomendations would help make it easier to understand the story, and also I feel that it would make it more suspenseful and I would also feel that we as the readers would be focusing more on the character that is most important which is the protagonist Sierra. :) I do hope you post more and I definitely look forward to reading more of your work. :) And I hope that the advice I had to give will be of help if not here, then in the future or at some other point in time. :)

Posted 10 Years Ago

I think it would help if you wrote the chapter a little longer, and went into the environment she is living in, why she is there, is she happy to be there? Is she getting better? And I reccomend her having her own chapter because then we as the readers can get to know her better, with out the other characters getting in the way of knowing her. When you switch so quickly between characters it makes it hard to get to know the main character (And even the other characters) because your not really getting to deal with them for a long period of time. Getting to know a character is just like getting to know a person in the sense that it takes time, and that the reader needs to know the main character so that they can better invest their emotion and fear, excitement, hope, etc in the main character.

Giving Sierra a chapter for herself, lets the reader get to know her, but then giving the kill a chapter lets the reader understand, that he's a scary guy. If you give Sierra her own chapters and then have the killer be the other main character. The you can start with the first chapter being sierra's point of view and then end with a cliff hanger on her first chapter. Then after that you can go into the second chapter from the killers point of view, And since you ended Sierra's chapter with a cliff hanger, the reader won't care about the killers chapter, they will be trying to get to the third chapter cause they want to know what happens to Sierra, but then you end the second chapter (the Killers chapter) with a cliff hanger and then all of a sudden the reader is like "WHAT?!?!?" And then they don't care about sierra's third chapter so they speed read through hers to get to the killer's chapter (Chapter four) And then you end Chapter four again, and oh! The reader wants to know what happens with the killer again. :) Plus if you don't specify in the Killer's chapter who the killer is, then when you are looking from Sierra's point of view and she is talking to every one that's left, your going to be wondering "Who can she trust? Who is the killer? Is George the Killer? Is Anna the Killer?" And it's going to make the readers feel more strongly connected with your main character Sierra and it's going to help them to root for her more as a character to live and to find out who the killer is. :)

I love the character development and how the story is engaging, and enticing, and you worry for the characters. I do feel that it is good to let the readers know a little about the background characters and that if you were to take up the advice I have given then a good way of helping the readers to understand the background characters is having the main character converse with the back ground characters and as Sierra talks with them, they tell her things about thier lives, their dreams, their fears. Etc. And through that way, the Readers are coming to get to know the background characters along with the main Character Sierra. :) I really like Sierra's character and I would really love to see more of her, cause that's who I really want to get to know as a reader. :)

I hope my advice was helpful, however I do understand if it's not quite what you were hoping for or looking for. :) (The important thing about reviews is choosing the reviews worth listening to that help you and apply to you, and ignoring the ones that don't really apply, make sense, help, or improve your technique.) :)

I love the character developement, I think these reccomendations would help make it easier to understand the story, and also I feel that it would make it more suspenseful and I would also feel that we as the readers would be focusing more on the character that is most important which is the protagonist Sierra. :) I do hope you post more and I definitely look forward to reading more of your work. :) And I hope that the advice I had to give will be of help if not here, then in the future or at some other point in time. :)

Rating /100

fireblossom

I see you are running parallel narratives here. You use different colors to separate each one. That's okay for now (early draft) but if you were to publish you might not be able to use the colored fonts. They are costly and are not easy to read. If you use layout on the page and character development you can accomplish the same.

Here I am telling you about my ride from Seattle in a care. My parents are sick in the head and in a way I'm glad I will be away from them. Bad boy! That's what they think of me and that's what I've become.

Where is he? Why is it taking so long? Bloods gonna flow over this. My blood. I can sense him. I know he is on the way. Hurry damn it before I bleed to death.

See? That's just one way to do it. By editing your story and adding hints of gender and place you can make it happen.

You are a good story teller. I am already interested in what you are doing. Did you sketch out the story in note form somewhere or are you writing what comes to mind as it comes? Either way will work. If you have an idea what you want your story to do and say it will guide you.

PS - You might mention to the reader that this is a work in progress. You can say first draft, second draft etc. That will keep readers from jumping on every little thing.