Lotus grows in the mud

Honestly f**k you. f**k off. f*****g die. {What I say in the early hours of frustation and this "reality"}

They say, whose f*****g they? Oh the hypocrites? the religious? they say an invisible force protects, works in mysterious ways, they say its the power of the mind, it's conscious.... The only belief I found was luck and specific people on side.  Most imporant compassion is always in fashion. We need to protect ourselves and find the good hearts to offer unconditional love.... If i believe in anything it is the power of kindness and generosity.

Surround yourself with what you desire in life - that would be the only true fact to the outcome, the results of what life you wish to lead. It does not matter the timing unless they are fooled into age, race and religion.

The only way to bloom in a world of weeds.... Is to be a lotus.... it grows in the mud. 

My life f*****g sucks, I know that. On the outside its average.... It has some fun pop ups of artistic things and hopeless romance... but in general its a f*****g nightmare that never ends even when people claim it will, the only way is by going rogue because I do believe Good people do bad things and can get away with it, I do believe in Robin Hood.... if nobody is conscious around you to help to know true injustice but worse around you is people who don't give a f**k at all - wtf are you doing with your life!?

My life is as follows (and nothing deeply signifact has happened the highs in my life are superifical and social bullshit)

My mother is a broken woman who had trauma early in life, she was a tomboy gypsy who ended up finding who she thought was the one (my father) who turned out to be a monster. She took me away from him because there was more chance to survive just a mother and child living in a car and sure was more peaceful than screaming and no need to cover cuts and bruises.... even though she was imprisoned in a farmhouse. My father was a miserable man but a sociopath who wrapped a small town around his finger and my mother was painted the issue and him the victim... from the one and only time she defended herself. From there like some sick cosmic game I was given a trauma too. Early on the justice system meant nothing to me after two women asked "Did I ask for it?". I lived most of my life after that under a "Rape Name" these protection programs take more from you than give. The bullying didn't get to me it kind of made me numb, and by the time I was working in the city I had already put up with sexual harassment from a variety of people, it was hard to enjoy body confidence because of the emptiness after breaking up or using casual encounters to numb... What was worse I was being sexually assaulted at my dream job... and I was painted as a w***e who fucked for my gigs... By that stage the few suicide attempts looked like a walk in the park, I would just drink... an drink.... and turn into someone new.

FInally a show about mental health and many other issues we have in society, I could method act and i could contribute myself to a production a project to help others.... but of course the director would end up a sociopath far worse than my father, this one would mindfuck you to suicide and she did.... maybe she only took one down that people knew of but so far we wait for more updates on whose been broken by her....

I start working with an incredible woman whose vision and friendship were gold. I finally felt like I had a family that cared about me, but of course I fucked it up because when things appear so good I have to focus on the flaws and push them away.

and after that everything just continued to fall apart, I had all my savings stolen, even possessions and I watched just how protected the drug addicts of a small town were just because of who they were related or married too... and it just fucked me off enough to make peace with a miserable life, My ptsd and anxiety my depression can take over and even at 16 days sober and talking again to people I pushed away, All i know is cops that have never given a f**k, That people hear rumours and run with it because Fake news has taken over, We are full of idiots and its as if people want to be slaves, want to be mindfucked because it makes them feel apart of something. I was a part of a few things but it killed me inside bit by bit the more I allowed to happen. 

Maybe I am just f*****g myself over, stuck in my own bullshit....

or maybe I am a lotus that doesn't get enough sunshine and mud... Maybe the seed is still premature

Whatever the f**k life is

At this moment

It means nothing to me. Why should it.