Entry 29/12/18

Reflective

They listen but they don't hear
Hear me screaming inside
I am sick of using my acting for protection
What am I protecting!!??? My sanity!?
Wtf is sane honestly, the world we live in is a running asylum projecting the idea of "normal" amongst all these other mundane labels or new labels to feel individual but seen... I thought I wanted to be seen... enough people over time told me I did what I did for attention... not a cry for help, not to pay for shelter or survival... not to make friends in the desperate hours we night owls keep.

An here we are another year soon to commence and what's my pathetic "resolution" oh yes... weight loss... the doctors consider me healthy but I know what society is and what thearte expects... especially if I have to play Rocky in gold briefs... wtf am I thinking... that Jolie persona inside with his confidence just happy to leap in.... and I'm already missing this freedom... roaming the dirt tracks of the outback... being so isolated out there in the warm rain and enchanted thunder and lightning as if it spoke to me it was so close. I had no fear with nature it was taking me in...

I'm terrified to get on stage again, more so because I'll be sober. If I drink again itll be a disaster like the guest performance for Nungay nite.... but this is a dream role... one I know wont come with the consequences and horror my last fringe festival production did... I wanted to just start my own which gods and Monsters productions had something but even 3 shows in... it wasn't ready... most likely because I wasn't...but that's the terrifying truth I guess... we are on our own... nobody is pushing me like I've begged for to make me skinny... or at least a flat belly... I'd pay if I could to end this mild body dysmorphia but most of all my laziness....

I knew it was depression... but it was also working in a cafe/restaurant... I was a comfort eater... an there was so much sadness and as if a curse was on the place to attract all the broken lost souls searching for a guide... I couldn't do it... my heart will always remain good... but I had nothing... in my head I'd lost everything and I watched my mother fall into her own depression... almost everyone around me fall into an abyss and I was barely holding onto the floor.. I didnt want to fall into a false sense of security... I had to be me. I had to get my common sense and focus back... but really I had to accept everyones flaws even if I'd never accept mine I couldn't elope others negatives to build a negative circle.... not that I've got some Oprah bs going on no I've never been that gifted... I can sell optimism and a brighter tomorrow but it was a rare thing....

I'd lost myself not because of anyone else but my own head.... I had to get out... but it was like a split second decision that made me hide... I couldn't say goodbye... I couldn't talk to anyone. I had my mother take most of my belongings to hers and arranged 2 guys to take me outback... and then I'd buy a car and drive... and drive... my best therapy... and it truly was... until the car broke down and had to be sold.... it would appear nowhere I traveled had consistency... an for that I could look at myself in the mirror... but nope... it was a deep fear of change or commitment... From everyone.

I was losing my faith in others, my intellect and creativity... I guess mother nature needed me... wanted to remind me of the air... the emptiness that is majestic and promising to a childs mind.

I had to see the earth and the power of being alive with a voice... I just had to find it.... no matter what spell it felt like I'd been under... I wasn't born to fit in... I had to be what was intended.... an I find now... it's not just an artist on stage or screen... it's a human being with a good heart and an old soul who helps others, leads others and isn't afraid to try.... all I had to do was believe.